WILD Saturday Night #6

A night of exciting excitement started off with a guy vs. girl (gasp!) match, featuring Pro Wrestling WILD’s resident bully dyke Cynthia San Martino and women’s water polo coach Thunderlips Lachlan! The whole thing came about when Lachlan “accidentally” stumbled into the lady’s locker room while looking for his “poodle”, catching San Martino and Azumi Oonishi in a compromising position that involved a riding crop, bit and a studded strap-on. I’ll let you fill in the rest.

So in the heat of the moment was San Martino that she did not notice Lachlan’s presence for quite some time, but when she did …hoooo boy was she angry! Of course, because this is pro wrestling, this led to a wrestling match rather than the invasion of privacy suit that would logically happen in an instance such as this. But, because I do not ignore the basic laws of physics, Lachlan pretty much had his way with San Martino in this match because he outweighs her by a good forty kilos (fuck you, I’m not doing the conversion).

Lachlan blew his chance at humiliating victory in two very noticeable ways, however. The first was by wearing jean shorts way that were way too tight for any man, showing off just how excited he was to be in such close proximity to a member of the opposite sex, no matter how butch, thus giving away what we already knew all along: he wasn’t really looking for his poodle backstage! (Double gasp!) Secondly, he planted a big wet one on the bruised face of San Martino, giving her just enough of a charge to fight back with a series of headbutts and turnbuckle smashes, spilling the action outside the ring where Lachlan really didn’t put up much of a fight, resulting in a weird double-count out.

Upwards and onwards to match numero dos! Fans in attendance bore witness to one of the odder entrances in WILD history, as an ox-drawn cart bearing two coffins and a cloaked individual of unknown origin at the reins slowly made its way to the ring. And if you think this unorthodox entrance baffled the fans, you should have seen the look on the faces of local jobbers Eddie Dahed and Vic Rattlehead when the coffins opened, revealing Zombis I and II! Clearly, something was different about these MPLL rudos who were practically laughed out of the arena during their last appearance for WILD, so phony and totally not undead their appearance was.

Not so this time, for these two had the look down pat, from the festering wounds strewn with maggots to the eerie groans to the rapid shambling that only the finer Romero zombies can lay claim to; yes, if there is a zombie school anywhere in these fine United States these fellas graduated with honors. Unfortunately they may have been a little too into their schtick, as they took large chunks of flesh from their screaming opponents, resulting in an early disqualification and a mad scramble from WILD security to restore order. Mysterious Cloaked Zombie Master apologized profusely for the behavior of his “wrestlers” once order was restored and put them back in their coffins, promising that this sort of thing will never happen again. Weird, man.

Obligatory junior four-way match designed to get over the fledgling junior division was next on the card, with indie wrestling legend Hando outshining and outlasting opponents Wataru Araya, AC Slasher and Matt D, eliminating all three by himself and immediately establishing himself as some one to watch out for in the WILD junior ranks! Midway through this bout the Valiant Wrestling Alliance’s MIRYOKO (with the VWA six-man tag titles and newly acquired Southeastern Junior Heavyweight Championship in his possession), accompanied by his fashion designer and his bodyguards the Ninja Express, made an appearance on the back of a jewel encrusted Howdah (google it, fucker) saddled elephant. From the safety of this point of view MIRYOKO delighted in the match below, laughing at the action while his fashion designer furiously scribbled in a note pad.

At the conclusion of the bout MIRYOKO’s fashion designer climbed down from his perch and presented Hando with a prize for his efforts: new boots made of material from the boots of Juan Leche and shiny shirt of Kyle Walker, stolen two weeks before by The Ninja Express! Hando politely declined the present, infuriating MIRYOKO, but before he could sic his Ninjas on him Juan Leche and Kyle Walker stormed the ring from opposite sides of the arena to confront the effeminate Japanese supermodel for his actions! Sensing craziness was about to happen, Hando bailed just as Leche grabbed one boot and Walker the other, sending the fashion designed scurrying for cover.

Then, each with mic in hand, Leche and Walker proceeded to talk over one another as they tried to call out MIRYOKO for his dastardly deeds, the whole bit slightly comical at first until it was clear neither man wanted to be upstaged by the other until, finally, young Kyle Walker couldn’t take it anymore, hauling off and nailing Leche in the jaw with a punch! What followed was the best kind of match, the impromptu kind officiated by a conveniently present referee, this one an eagerly anticipated showdown between two men who have been itching to tangle for weeks now!

With a gleeful MIRYOKO clapping along like an enthusiastic school girl at the sight of his junior competition tearing into each other, and even Billy Hollywood and Lou Hoffman stepping out from the back to watch, Walker and Leche put on a junior heavyweight wrestling clinic, putting their all into beating the other, with Walker putting on his best match yet in his short career, narrowly downing Leche with his Sky Walker 450 splash. I really shouldn’t have to say the effort put forth in the match left Walker and Leche exhausted and vulnerable to a Ninja Express attack, should I? Well, they did, while MIRYOKO invited Billy Hollywood to the confines of the Howdah to try on some blouses.

Paddy Baker and Sean Gabriel, the Celtic Bruisers, made their way to the ring alone once the elephant and its gigantic poo had been removed from the arena. Very angry and very drunk (then again, they pretty much always are) they called out La Cosa Nostra to settle their differences once and for all! It appears that Celtic Bruiser in training Sit Kwok Fu was asked to fetch Baker’s Lincoln Continental from the parking lot and once the ignition was started the fucking engine blew up! Thankfully there was a slight delay between the turn of the key and the car being completely consumed by flame (you know, like Casino), enabling the plucky Korean to escape with his life, but still badly burned. Needless to say, he’ll be out of action for a while, and the Bruisers ain’t happy about it!

Several long minutes and no La Cosa Nostra later, the Bruisers looked ready to hunt them down themselves, until they were interrupted by the man that started this mess in the first place: Paradigm! Owing what is rumored to be a sizable amount of cash to the Italians, Paradigm looked sketched out beyond belief, appearing as if he hasn’t showered in weeks with eyes reddened from lack of sleep. Freaked out, Paradigm begged the Bruisers to protect him, saying he can lead them to their hideout! The Bruisers eyed Paradigm warily but ultimately decided to follow, perhaps figuring even if they were betrayed they could handle the odds. (Besides, you gotta move the story along somehow. Let’s see you do it better, yeah, that’s what I thought, keep stuffing your face funboy.)

And of course, after being led through the bowels of the arena towards a seldom used locker room WAY in the back, they were jumped by La Cosa Nostra AND Paradigm, revealing that the cowardly little punk was never in danger for his life at all, just playing the role of victim to catch the Bruisers off their guard. Little bastard. But it turns out, as it often does, the Bruisers had a bit of an ace up their sleeves as well, an angry rugby player with a lead pipe, Virgil Theunk’s estranged son Gilbert, who had been tailing the Bruisers and now entered the fray to even the odds and get revenge on the man who disgraced his pop’s good name! Hooray!

Much battling took place next, leading all the way back to the arena and even into the ring where yet another conveniently present referee decided to declare this one an actual match! And while the Bruisers and the Italians beat the shit out of each other with punches and elbows Paradigm and Gilbert Theunk squeezed in some actual wrestling, pretty good wresting too, with Paradigm showing off his classicly trained technical side and Gilbert displaying all the skills he learned while being trained by his father, mat wizard Virgil Theunk (RIP) from a young age. Leave it to the heel to cheat to win though, using a brick to the back of the head to set up the win with a cradle piledriver while referee Gen Hirayama struggled to separate the others for the umpteenth time. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this feud is far from over, baby!

Last match of the night featured the upstart Busch Boyz trying to build upon their heinous sneak attack on the members of the Dod family and PTFW. Turns out the PTFW faction was not available, as Martin Fairbairn has decided he is just so big and strong he would be put to better use as a bridge in Northumberland, so the burden of getting even with da Busch Boyz lay squarely on the shoulders of Ronnie Dod and his protégé Aleks Dodstva. Not that they mind, they’re fucking Dods, they live for this shit.

Even with the inexperienced (but he’s getting better!) Dodstva teaming with Ronnie, the Dods were heavily favored to win here, prompting Busch Boyz manager Master P to complain by displaying “Don’t Be A H8ER” signs. If the Vegas bookies pretty much writing off the Busch Boyz weren’t enough, this match had gained some degree of infamy on the internet over the week, being derisively labeled “More Than They Can Chew” in reference to da Boyz monumentally stupid decision to Pearl Harbor some of the meanest bastards in WILD.

What this all leads up to is an even stupider decision by da Boyz to refuse to cheat during this match, despite the protests of Master P and even, surprisingly, most of the audience, some of whom even tried to hand various sundry items to Raz and Duz after they made their “We’s gonna beat these chumps square, fo’ realz yo!” proclamation. And even without da Boyz using the techniques that got them this far they actually hung in for longer than expected, managing to tire out Ronnie and isolating Aleks for some clever double teams late, including an amazing Doomsday Device Double Axe Handle to the face! Somehow Aleks kicked out of this, dropping Raz with a Karelin’s Lift, shocking all by hitting a diving senton from the top rope and then submitting the little guy with a Moscow Stretch, even getting a rare late match save from Ronnie, who prevented Duz from breaking the hold on his partner! Hot damn Ronnie and Aleks might have finally gelled here, folks!

Much glaring between the Dods and Busch’s afterwards, silent show of respect without appearing weak, yada yada yada …

1) Cynthia San Martino ~12:05 Double Count-Out!~ Thunderlips Lachlan

2) Eddie Dahed O/ Vic Rattlehead ~3:26 Disqualification~ OMFG ZOMBIS [Zombi I/ Zombi II X]

3) Hando won a four-way elimination match
Hando ~14:41 Gannosuke Clutch~ Wataru Araya
Hando ~20:03 Tiger Suplex Hold~ AC Slasher
Hando ~21:42 Corner Rebound Rolling Senton~ Matt D

4) Kyle Walker ~16:42 The Sky Walker~ Juan Leche

5) La Cosa Nostra [Rick Briggs/ Ted Zannino] Paradigm O ~25:16 Cradle Piledriver~ The Celtic Bruisers [Paddy Baker/ Sean Gabriel] Gilbert Theunk X

6) Team Dod [Ronnie Dod/ Aleks Dodstva O] ~21:29 Moscow Stretch~ Da Busch Boyz [Raz Busch X/ Duz Busch]