WILD Saturday Night #7

So the heads at WILD were thinking about playing off the obvious hatred between Cynthia San Martino and Thunderlips Lachlan (as seen in issue #6!) by scheduling another match, this time with the loser having to prove their dubious sexuality by disrobing in front of a gynecologist in the middle of the ring! Luckily for us all they came to their senses in the nick of time and decided no one in their right minds really gives a flying fuck about which sex is superior in battle and thus this short lived program hath been cancelled-eth …

And so the first match of the night involved that exciting breed of rasslers who are only nominally more interesting than midgets: the junior heavyweight. You see, word has been growing about the creation of a brand-new WILD Junior Heavyweight title (and a TOURNAMENT to crown the first champ!), so spunky little high-flyers have been lining up to prove their worth! Of them all, few have shone brighter in recent weeks than indie superstar Hando and Fusion Dojo soy sauce magnate Kikkoman, who, by the grace of good booking, faced off against one another this week!

With evil fashion model MIRYOKO’s agent looking on and taking notes, Kikkoman wound up scoring the impressive win here, downing a man who – just last week - took out three men in one match (also seen in issue #6!) after a mind-numbingly exciting final three minutes that saw nothing but finisher quality moves traded with wild abandon! If the rumors about a WILD Jr. Title tourney happening in the coming weeks are true we can only hope these men square off at some point during it!

If you keep up with the action in Spunk Pro you would know that Matt D is sporting a bit of a new look, having embraced the ebony folds of the world’s sorrow. Translation: he went Goth, which means jet-black hair, painted fingernails and black lipstick. He also no longer wants to be known as Matt D, taking the time before his tag match against the Zombis, to announce his new name: shaDow (whatever). To christen this new moniker he proceeded to cut his wrist with an ornamental metal thumbnail, which turned out to be a really poor course of action in the presence of flesh-eating zombies.

Already straining at their dog collars (mandated by WILD after the events of last week), the Zombis broke free with ease at the sight of crimson jets erupting from Matt D’s forearm (he cut down, never cut down), sending him scurrying and leaving partner Rodrigo Jorge to fend for himself. Called out later for his cowardice, Matt said he needed medical attention and was not ready to cross over into the “gathering dark”, having much sorrow to spread before he leaves this mortal coil. (whatever) Whatever his reason for bailing it didn’t really matter to Capoeira master Jorge, who put on a fucking stellar one-man show en route to victory! Unfortunately this didn’t stop him from getting mobbed by the zombies after the match, having large chunks of flesh torn from his body and then stuffed into one of the coffins waiting on the Zombie Master’s ox cart. Oh dear …

Sean Gabriel reluctantly teamed up with the son of deceased legend Virgil Theunk, Gilbert, in the next match against La Cosa Nostra, with the idea being they would put such a hurting on their opponents they would not be able interfere in Paddy Baker’s Mid-Continental title defense against Paradigm later in the evening. But after this one was over and done it turns out Theunk was really the only one that got tuckered out, what with this being only his fourth wrestling match and all. Well, that and the fact the fool refused to tag out during the final fifteen minutes of the match, going on and on about avenging his father’s good name and protecting the legacy of the Mid-Continental title.

This isn’t to say he didn’t look good leading the charge into the gates of hell, as it were, but he’s really going to have to learn a thing or two about teamwork if he ever wants to pair off with a dedicated tag team veteran like Gabriel ever again. Speaking of which, the “Emerald Isle Bruiser’s” presence was enough to dissuade Briggs and Zannino from attempting any post match shenanigans, but it was pretty clear from the way he pushed past Theunk on the way out of the ring that he is not happy with this newcomer being associated with the Celtic Bruisers. Drama!

MIRYOKO was back this week sans elephant (he was told politely, yet firmly, to never bring that “manure machine” back to a WILD show again) but with something much, much better: Billy Hollywood! Seems these two have struck up quite a friendship in the past week; trying on fancy clothes at boutiques and then pouring ink all over them, heckling dancers at local drag shows, feasting on sushi and then faking illness to get out of paying the bill, cheating at skee-ball in order to rack up tickets, teasing zoo animals and stealing rare orchids from local arboretums. You name it, and these two fast friends have done it!

Originally these two wanted to pair off in tag action this week but since WILD Personnel can’t get off its ass for ten minutes to send me the appropriate files poor Billy is not cleared to wrestle on Saturday Nights. I know, it sucks! So instead of wrestling these two extremely fashion conscious individuals decided to share their proposed designs for the new WILD Junior Heavyweight championship with the audience, sticking them to the faceplate of MIRYOKO’s Southeastern Junior Heavyweight Championship and having them paraded around the ring to Kylie Minogue’s “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head”. You think you know crowd heat? Yeah, you don’t know shit son.

God bless Kyle Walker! This young stripling decided he had just about enough of this nonsense and stormed down to the ring, demanding MIRYOKO put an end to the freak show and give him a shot for the Southeastern title! Amazingly MIRYOKO agreed, even appearing a little eager to get down and dirty with the taut, lithe athletic frame of the young Walker, all while Hollywood feigned fear, calling Walker a “filthy brute” and telling him to stay away. It was all really pretty creepy, especially if you aren’t secure with your heterosexuality. (You know who you are ;))

Anyways, Walker built on his solid performance against Leche the week before, meeting the champ blow for blow and even jarring the porcelain mask with a solid right, knocking it halfway off his face and exposing his most prized possession: his extremely photogenic face! Sensing his pal was moments away from doom, Billy Hollywood made an attempt to aid him, climbing the ring apron with the Southeastern title in hand! Somehow sensing this heel chicanery, Juan Leche sprinted to the ring from the back and attacked Hollywood, drawing the attention of referee Gen Hirayama.

Unfortunately all this did was allow MIRYOKO’s ever-skulking bodyguards, the Ninja Express, to aid their master. With the official effectively distracted they emerged from the shadows and attacked Walker with kendo sticks, allowing MIRYOKO to put him away with a Yokosuka Cutter, thus retaining his title. However there was no repeat of the beat down from the week prior, as Leche drove off the enemy hordes with a chair! After MIRYOKO, Hollywood and the Ninjas scurried off Leche then tended to Walker, only to get met with a punch to the face for his troubles! Oh man it just keeps getting better and better, don’t it?

Aleks Dodstva took the next step in his development in the fifth match of the night, taking on the bum fighter Bobo Gomez in singles action. Unfortunately that next step wound up going backwards, as the street fightin’ stud handled Dodstva with ease, taking him down with his MUSO finisher in just over ten minutes. If losing rather convincingly in front of a pretty large audience wasn’t enough poor Aleks had to endure the scolding of his trainer Ronnie!

The tongue-lashing might have lasted forever if it wasn’t for the grand entrance of Da Busch Boyz, continuing their “Petition For Recognition” initiative despite losing to the Dods the week before. Seeing their foes, Ronnie and Aleks girdled up their loins for battle until Busch Boyz manager Master P told them to “Chill my brothas!” While the booty girls got signatures for their petition, Master P asked the Dod one simple question that could alter the face of WILD Tag Team wrestling FOREVER: “We be changin’ da face o’ tag team rasslin’ on Saturday nights for two months now, blood. So why da hell you gotta be getting’ humbled by the dregs o’ Sundays when y’all SHOULD be steppin’ up to get a piece o’ what’s yours from LRI?” Yeah, not even Ronnie can argue with that logic.

Finally the night was capped off with a Mid-Continental Heavyweight Championship match, with champion Paddy Baker taking on Paradigm, who somehow weaseled his way into this position by virtue of his winning the six-man tag match for his team last week. Baker took the win here, his second straight in singles action against Paradigm, tripping up the hungry contender … literally! It all came down to the final moments, with both men barely eluding count-out after some intense brawling ringside. After crawling back in Baker attempted a backdrop suplex only to have it blocked, with Paradigm countering with a elbow smash to the back of Baker’s head.

The impact really must have been severe, for Baker struggled to get back up, slowly shaking his head in an effort to clear the cobwebs. Seeing this, Paradigm decided to gloat, pointing to the shiny silver title that lay on the timekeeper’s table, and then to his waist. Paradigm then grabbed Baker’s ankle and went for the STF, only to be tripped by the crafty Baker, sending him headfirst into the turnbuckle! Paradigm’s head snapped back violently and Baker waster no time, moving about as fast as he can to take advantage of his opponent’s vulnerable position, dropping him with the inverted piledriver and just barely getting the three count.

Several minutes and a breath caught later, Baker rose from the mat and signaled for his Mid-Continental title to be brought to him. But after several minutes, and no belt, Baker turned to the table that, just minutes before, held the title, only to see it was no longer there! The referee then re-entered the ring to confirm Baker’s worst fear: the title had been stolen by a mysterious masked individual of unknown origin! Baker’s eyes went wide as he turned to look at Paradigm, seated in the far corner, wiping the corner of his mouth, his soft giggling building into mocking laughter before rolling safely under the bottom rope, evading the charging Baker who realized, just then, that there was nothing he could have done to walk out of the arena with his title that night …

1) Kikkoman ~13:37 Diamond Cutter~ Hando

2) shaDow/ Rodrigo Jorge O ~8:03 Enzui Kneel Kick~ Zombi Holocaust [Zombi I/ Zombi II X]

3) La Cosa Nostra [Rick Briggs O/ Ted Zannino] ~26:24 Jumping Piledriver~ Sean Gabriel/ Gilbert Theunk X

4) SOUTHEASTERN JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
(C) MIRYOKO ~15:49 Yokosuka Cutter~ Kyle Walker {1st Successful Defense}

5) Bobo Gomez ~12:10 MUSO~ Aleks Dodstva

6) MID-CONTINENTAL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
(C) Paddy Baker ~16:58 Inverted Piledriver~ Paradigm {2nd Successful Defense}