Winless but still impressive enough in his appearances on Saturday Night to get called back, Bret Stillman returned this week to face the master of the cross arm breaker, Jason Wesley. Wesley has made quite a name for himself on the independent circuit but has yet to reach his full potential in Pro Wrestling WILD, last week being a prime example as he just didn’t have what it took to down Bobo Gomez in International Title ranking play. Both men have been accused of being too tentative in the ring and that showed in this match, with at least ten minutes devoted solely to feeling the other out.
But eventually Wesley exploded with his bigger, more modern moves, threatening to leave Stillman and his more classic approach in the dust. The “Hard Luck Kid” stuck to his game plan though, refusing to give up to arm holds that would make a lesser man howl in submission, continuing to work the knee of Wesley until getting the shocking win – his first in a WILD ring – with the figure-four leglock. Stillman was near to tears after the victory, and whether or not that was due to the pain radiating through the left arm that hanged limply at his side or getting a win in arguably the toughest promotion on the planet is unknown, but it was a touching scene nonetheless.
Unfortunately scenes of pathos such as these are often short lived on Saturday Night, this one ruined by the appearance of the sadistic lunatic Jester, last seen at the side of the legendary Grand Pumudo, he of the 46 World Championship Belts, Lord of the Impossible, vanquisher of the best every continent in the world has to offer. (Including The Penguin Master in the world’s first ever Iceberg Death match off McMurdo Sound, Antarctica) Jester informed all that he was here speaking on the behalf of his lord and master Pumudo, who has it on good authority that the result of the match they just witnessed was fixed to garner sympathy for Stillman, who clearly had not put in as much time training as the superior Jason Wesley!
Referee Gen Hirayama and Stillman both looked absolutely perplexed at this accusation while Wesley raised a suspicious eye from across the ring, shouting over to Jester that he never actually gave up in the preceding match and that the same ref made a fast count in his match against Gomez the week before! Jester responded to this with a high-pitched giggle so abrasive it makes nails on a chalkboard sound pleasant, then saying Pumudo has witnessed what has gone on in WILD for far too long and has tired of it, vowing change and lending an invitation to any that want to join his revolution. Wesley did not hesitate to accept the handshake of Jester, promising retribution to those that had wronged him before leaving for the back. Pumudo, a man whose talent almost matches his gargantuan ego spawning a stable in Pro Wrestling WILD? Good things can not come from this, I assure you!
A backstage interview segment featuring everyone’s favorite sullen little emo kids Melancholia preceded the next match. WILD reporter Holly Holiday stood in stark contrast to shaDow, eDo and their Elvira-esque valets, the latter figuratively shooting daggers with their eyes at the stereotypical California girl as she asked the boys about their decision to disengage from pursuing LRI: just last week seen as the next target for zombification by The Zombie Master.
“We know the dark overlord of the walking dead still desires these phenomenal athletes,” sighed shaDow, clearly disinterested with having to explain his motives. “But they are entwined in an ever-spiraling torrent of violence with The Dods that will leave them broken, shattered, rendered a bloody pulp; of no use to one seeking fresh bodies to recruit.”
“And besides,” chimed in eDo, taking a break from nibbling lazily at the neck of one of his attendants. “We believe our nemesis is targeting someone new, an Italian, who, as we all know, are predisposed to morbid carnage of the flesh eating kind.”
That Italian, as it turns out, is really a Sicilian: Mr. Sicily himself, David DaVinci! Shortly after the brief interview ended Melancholia made their way to the ring for their match against DaVinci and Danny Dynamite, taking quite some time before actually entering the ring to set and light black candles all along the ring side railing. To say the ceremony was ridiculous would be a huge understatement, but Melancholia seemed to feel it helped, easing their minds about any possible interference by a Zombie Master who has not been seen since his charges were violently dispatched at WSN #11, but whose presence was no less felt.
The candles, coupled with the lilting chants of their black robed sirens at ringside, seemed to work amazingly, as Melancholia looked better in this tag match than they ever have, taking out DaVinci early with accomplished double-teaming and weathering a surprising comeback by Dynamite before wearing him out with quick tags and quicker moves. shaDow was the big star here, setting up victory with a suicide bomb and then a side effect before wrapping Dynamite up with a school boy. Frustrated and trying to assess why they have lost two matches in a row now, DaVinci had little time to ponder as he was swarmed by Melancholia and their sirens post-match, prayed upon and then left stunned in the ring, an ashen cross left on his forehead as a parting gift. Weird …
Week after week Duz Busch makes huge gains beyond the wrestler he was just a month ago: big and strong but lacking the stamina or heart to take his game to the next level. Most of us don’t adhere to our New Year’s resolutions but Duz has in spades, threatening to break out as the next big star in WILD! We still have no idea what prompted his newfound love for the sport, but we do know he is dedicated, much to the chagrin of partner Raz Busch and manager Master P, both of whom would much rather he just take the easy way out and concentrate on a burgeoning career as a hip-hop star!
This week Busch took Bobo Gomez up on his offer to give him a rematch for their match at WSN #11, which ended in a count-out. This time around there would be no count-out, practically assuring a decisive finish. In their previous encounter these two knocked the hell out of each other and it was no different here, just two big dudes pasting each other with the best in their arsenals. Clearly Bobo had the advantage in skill but Duz did not let that stop him from fighting on, garnering him a large measure of fan support in the process. By the time this was over Duz had withstood over a half-dozen MUSO’s, scores of Russian haymakers and even two avalanche belly-to-belly suplexes before falling to a final MUSO.
Going in, Bobo Gomez knew that a win would put him in position to challenge for Dan Sommers’ International Heavyweight title, but he didn’t celebrate this, instead helping Duz to his feet and holding his arm high as the crowd cascaded them with approval, all while Master P and Raz looked on jealously from the locker room entrance …
In the fourth match of the night The Lawgivers looked eager to show off their newly revealed heelish approach against Ronnie Dod and Aleks Dodstva, themselves looking forward to making their way back to a rematch against WILD Tag Team Champions The Celtic Bruisers. Even though VD Dod and Fat Lip had been left in a bad way after The Dod’s demolition of LRI the week before, Stuart Robinson’s flaming cricket bat wielding appearance later in the night and victory over Ronnie on Sunday meant this war was far from over, and precautionary steps were taken in the form of Dods patrolling the perimeter of the ring.
But what they hadn’t counted on was the sheer insanity of Stuart Robinson, evidenced when roughly fifteen minutes into the match he made his way down to the ring, a flaming Molotov cocktail in each hand! Both the Lawgivers and Dods looked up from their rousing battle outside the ring to see this madman approach, the flames from the bottles reflecting in his eyes, making him look all the more like the son of Mephistopheles himself. Wisely, they scattered just before Stuart let fly with the Molotovs, both of them landing in the middle of the ring, setting it ablaze with a triumphant WHOOOSH! A fire team rushed to put out the blaze as Stuart ransacked the area, trashing chairs and tables, tossing garbage this way and that while screaming: “Ya want war, d’ya? YA WANT BLOODY WAR?!?!?!” Security restrained and then dragged Stuart towards the back as he ranted, nearly foaming at the mouth with rage the whole way.
Of course a rather lengthy intermission followed as the ring canvas was replaced and the ropes inspected for safety, giving some time for an interview with “The Technical Masterpiece” Paradigm, who discussed his upcoming match with Ted Zannino, the last of three matches with La Cosa Nostra soldiers. “This is it, I win this one and I’m free, no more debt, the Sword of Damocles removed forever,” smiled Paradigm confidently. “And I owe it all to my genius, my ability to face adversity and overcome it with grace, eloquence and good taste. Like the shirt says, baby …”he pointed to his T-Shirt, on which reads his mantra DAMN I’M GOOD.
Paradigm was then asked what would happen with Gilbert Theunk, the man who possesses the incriminating evidence against the Bianco family, evidence that enabled him to blackmail them into giving him the opportunity to fight his way out from their debt. “They’ve promised Theunk and myself will walk away, free men,” said Paradigm, not a trace of doubt in his voice. “As agreed, when I beat Zannino (the interviewer interrupted with an “IF you beat Zannino” to which Paradigm dismissed with a wave of his hand) tonight we arrange to reveal the location of the briefcase holding the evidence. Gilbert leaves said location and they go and pick up the briefcase, end of transaction!”
When asked if he really thinks it’s going to be that easy Paradigm just let out a disgusted PFFFT! “You know, The Bruisers said the same thing, even offered some help watching over Gilbert – something about not wanting professional rivalries to become tragic or some such bullshit, but c’mon, La Cosa Nostra are businessmen, men of their words, and this is nothing but business.”
Shortly thereafter the match took place and Paradigm never looked better, using a rapid fire pace and advanced technical moves to keep Zannino off balance. Zannino was by no means dominated here, quite the opposite, as he is well-grounded in the more technical aspect of the sport himself. But Paradigm was just something else here, a man who could see salvation and was driving madly towards it with wild abandon. But as is the case with an organization the likes of La Cosa Nostra contingency plans are almost always in the offing, this time in the form of a beautiful girl bearing a slight resemblance to one Joey Knuckles …
Waiting for the right moment, just as the referee passed her line of sight, this auburn haired nymph stood from her seat in the front row and let her trenchcoat slide from her shoulders, revealing the kind of body men die for, covered only by the flimsiest of bikini fabric. You’d have to be neutered not to appreciate such beauty and Gen Hirayama was definitely not, stopping dead in his tracks, staring like a lobotomized construction worker while the poor lass uncomfortably shifted her stance, her eyes locked on the ground. The distraction was momentary but it was all Zannino needed, clocking Paradigm from behind with a pair of brass knuckles and then rolling him up in a small package. The girl, who, upon seeing the deed had been done, put her coat back on and silently left the area. Zannino shouted at the ref, who shook off the daze and spun around to make the three count.
Paradigm was then roused from his unconsciousness with a series of hard slaps across the face, as Zannino demanded to know where Theunk and the evidence were. Paradigm laughed and spat at him, saying all bets were off. “I was hoping you’d say that,” laughed Zannino, knocking him back unconscious with another shot from his brass knuckled fist, then throwing him over his shoulder and carrying him to the back.
The Main Event of the evening saw Kyle Walker and MIRYOKO square off for the umpteenth time, although you’d be a fool to complain about that. This is one of those feuds that has gone on for a long time but every match is a doozy, whether one on one or in tag action. Fact is, they hate each other’s guts and lately MIRYOKO has elevated the psychological warfare against his foe to an art form. Kyle had Swedish masseuse Helga Hunkachunk in his corner while MIRYOKO had no one in his, mandated by WILD management but really meaning nothing given that his security team is comprised of ninjas capable of blending in just about anywhere!
Typical fast paced action from these two, with Walker overcoming MIRYOKO’s mid-match dominance to come back in a big way, appearing as if he would cruise towards victory. As expected, the Ninjas then made their move from their hiding place in the audience but what wasn’t anticipated was the presence of WILD Light Heavyweight Champion Juan Leche, disguised as an old man! He quickly attacked one of the ninjas but was then in turn attacked by an old lady who turned out to be Billy Hollywood! My god, how many twists and turns can one match have?!?!
With Leche and Hollywood battling it out in the audience the Ninjas made their move but found their paths impeded by Helga Hunkachunk. What followed wasn’t pretty, as she bounced them around outside the ring with scary ease, the defense so brutal it even caught the attention of yet another easily distracted referee, Martin Roeg. MIRYOKO quickly took advantage, removing his protective hard porcelain mask – revealing the face of possibly the prettiest man ever seen in the process – and whipping it into the side of Kyle’s head, dropping him like a sack of bricks. A Yokosuka cutter later and that was all she wrote, with Walker losing yet again to the vile tactics of MIRYOKO.
MIRYOKO and his Ninjas beat a hasty retreat shortly after the final bell while Hollywood and Leche continued to fight through the audience and Helga helped Kyle to his feet. Once he was awake Kyle absolutely freaked out, pushing Helga away and demanding a microphone: “I’m sick of this shit, week in and week out you hide behind your Ninjas, hide behind your tricks, hide that pretty little face of yours behind that mask MIRYOKO!” he shouted, crimson faced. “I demand an end to this, to do the only thing that might rid WILD of your presence forever. I want a match where you put the mask that protects that precious face ON THE LINE!! In return … I will bargain my hair! HAIR VS MASK, STEEL CAGE … YOU MAN ENOUGH, PUNK?!?!”
Finally, just as the show was closing out we got footage from a small room backstage of Paradigm being woken up with a bucket of ice cold water, Ted Zannino and Raymond Bianco standing over him with big smiles on their faces. Paradigm demanded to be released, saying what they were doing was a crime. Bianco just laughed: “No, you see, you owe us a substantial amount of money Paradigm. A debt you will pay off in servitude.”
Paradigm shook his head in defiance: “No way man, been there, done that. I got shit on you guys that guarantees you don’t tell me what to do ever again.”
“You don’t seem to understand, young Paradigm,” corrected Bianco, lighting a cigarette and flicking the still lit match at his face. “We know where Theunk and the briefcase are, your days of blackmailing the Family are over.”
“Bullshit”, sneered Paradigm.
Bianco just smiled and made a subtle wave at Zannino, who pulled a laptop out of a satchel on the ground and placed it on a table before Paradigm. On the screen was the exterior of a non-descript two story house out in the country; the horrified look on Paradigm’s face said it all: they knew where Gilbert was …
“How …”asked Paradigm softly.
“In the future you should be more emphatic with your Irish friends when telling them you don’t need their assistance,” replied Bianco. “The china man was sent to provide security, he led our finest triggerman right to him.”
And, adding a perfect exclamation point on this chilling turn of events was the fireball that erupted from the house, decimating it completely, leaving nothing but rubble and a dark plume of smoke in its wake …
Bianco patted his hand on the shoulder of Paradigm, who sat shaking, wide-eyed. “Welcome back, Paradigm…”
1) Bret Stillman ~20:42 Figure-Four Leglock~ Jason Wesley
2) Melancholia [shaDow O/ eDo] ~24:20 School Boy~ David DaVinci/ Danny Dynamite X
3) Bobo Gomez ~25:33 MUSO~ Duz Busch
4) The Lawgivers [WILD Bill/ El Justiciero] ~15:38 No Contest~ Ronnie Dod/ Aleks Dodstva
5) Ted Zannino ~16:26 Small Package~ Paradigm
6) MIRYOKO ~20:49 Yokosuka Cutter~ Kyle Walker
Showing posts with label Saturday Night. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Saturday Night. Show all posts
1.19.2008
1.05.2008
WILD Saturday Night #11
WILD Saturday Night returned this week after the holiday break with another crazy show that had its producers pulling their hair out for fear the censors will pull the plug on the program! Yes, it was that insane but then by now the guys that get booked on WILD Saturday Night have come to realize crazy is what gets you noticed by the match makers on Sundays, so you can’t really blame them for letting it all hang out.
Former pro body builder David DaVinci is a prime example of this mindset, having gotten some measure of revenge over Da Busch Boyz at WSN #10 (with the help of new partner Danny Dynamite) but, having gotten a taste of success, not being satisfied, insisting that Dynamite get some time in on a heavyweight in preparation for tag gold! That heavyweight turned out to be lawman Wild Bill who wound up being not much of a challenge for Dynamite, as he focused far more on the illegality of the ringside DaVinci’s generously lathered body oil than his opponent. End result was an extremely perturbed referee who, presumably tired of the incessant snitching, delivered a fast count after a Dynamite frog splash, ending the match. See kids, this is why you don’t snitch like a bitch!
Some pre-match interview fun preceded the next bout, as Duz Busch completely hijacked a Busch Boyz interview to apologize to the fans for being a “fat piece of shit” and then unfurled a long piece of parchment, off of which he began to recite a gigantic amount of New Year’s resolutions, most centered around losing weight and becoming a better wrestler. Sensing that Duz’s newfound commitment to the grappling arts would hamper Da Boyz’s commitment to the rapping arts, manager Master P ripped Duz’s list of resolutions from his hands and closed the segment, but not before the Big Busch was able to announce he would prove his newfound focus against the dangerous bum fighter Bobo Gomez!
That match came up next, with Raz and Master P at ringside to offer what passes for support in Da Busch Boyz camp (crunking with ringside hos and champagne guzzling, mostly) while Duz put forth an erstwhile effort to be the best wrestler he could be. Problem is Bobo has never been one to focus on the technical aspect of the sport and it was only a matter of minutes before the style he perfected fighting bums drew Duz into a heated brawl. The fighting took both men outside where Master P took notice of the brutality of their exchanges and, fearing for the safety of his cash cow, intervened, creating a barrier between Duz and Bobo by tossing hundreds of twenties on the floor which attracted dozens of greedy booty babes.
Rather than fight through a mass of ass Bobo elected to roll back into the ring to beat the twenty count, winning the match. He then grabbed a microphone and said that anytime Duz wants to come out from hiding behind his celebrity he would be glad to fight him again, which Duz agreed to immediately! Master P and Raz tried to talk him out of this decision, but an angry Duz just pushed past them on his way to the back, shouting that he wasn’t messing around when he announced his resolutions earlier!
Many who watched the special holiday themed WSN #10 commented on the heart warming conclusion to the Aleks Dodstva / Fat Lip match that saw the Dods and LRI make nice and go out for drinks after the show. But what wasn’t caught on cameras was what happened after several (dozen) pitchers of cheap lager were consumed at the local watering hole! Apparently the acerbic tongue of Fat Lip was loosened so much that he let fly with a string of insults mocking the Dod’s wrestling ability and then, when this was all taken in jest, Stuart Robinson chimed in with some choice insults about the Dod’s family tree! The last bit was the straw that broke the camel’s back and a wild bar brawl ensued, broken up only after several squads of police used tear gas and tasers to restore order!
After a tense night in the clink both sides vowed to rip the other’s heads off, leading us to tag action this week between Ronnie and Aleks against Stuart and Fat Lip! So much for all that good will built up during the holidays, eh? As you might expect this wasn’t much of a match at all, more a continuation of the bar brawl that got them locked up in the first place leading to a crazy double count out! Once the final bell rang Caleb and Iggy Dod came down to put the finishing touches on Stu and Fat Lip, only to be stopped by a chair waving VD Dod! Wild eyed and shaking with rage, VD held the confused Dods back while Fat Lip and Stuart retreated, leaving the wrestling world wondering if the Dods and LRI have passed the point of no return! Can WILD withstand such a civil war?!?
Another interview segment came next, this time from an undisclosed, completely darkened, location, done so to hide its subjects whereabouts. A voice introduced itself as Paradigm and then went on to explain his actions at WSN #10, saying that he was tired of being used by La Cosa Nostra and decided to sever any ties with them. He then said that he grabbed Gilbert Theunk at the end of the match because of his success at hiding out from the gangsters for nearly two weeks after stealing the Mid-Continental title, not an easy feat considering that when La Cosa Nostra wants to find someone, they usually do.
Paradigm continued by saying he has no desire to interfere with the Bianco Family criminal enterprise, other than to get satisfaction for the escalating high-interest loans that placed him in their back pocket for so long. In order to eliminate his debt Paradigm proposed a match with every member of La Cosa Nostra, once per show, each victory covering a third of his debt, with the final win meaning complete amnesty for himself and Gilbert. As insurance against a double-cross, Paradigm said that he had acquired enough evidence against the Bianco Family to put them away for a very long time, and that it would be safe in the hands of Theunk, ready to be delivered to the authorities at a moments notice!
The challenge was accepted, with Joey Knuckles stepping up to take on Paradigm. Knuckles, by no means a made La Cosa Nostra soldier and considered as deep, if not deeper, in the pocket of the Bianco Family than Paradigm ever was, put on the best fight his ability would allow him but just couldn’t match the fury of Paradigm, who took out months of abuse in just ten short minutes, tapping Knuckles out with the STF and winning back the first part of his freedom in convincing fashion. Paradigm left the ring and into the locker room triumphantly; completely unaware he was being shadowed by Rick Briggs and Ted Zannino, that is until his followers were jumped by Paddy Baker and Sean Gabriel! La Cosa Nostra was laid out with a quickness, leaving Paradigm standing there dumbfounded, appearing ready to offer thanks until the hard stare returned by the Celtic Bruisers convinced him an alliance was not quite ready to be struck.
Next up MIRYOKO made good (finally) on the promised shot at his Southeastern Junior Heavyweight championship, won at WSN #9 by Lorenzo Llamas. The match itself really wasn’t much, with MIRYOKO clearly outclassing Llamas although it was difficult to understand why, given how amazing the latter looked winning his shot at the title in four-way action a month prior. (It was later learned a poisoned dart had been shot into his neck from a Ninja in the audience) But even with MIRYOKO looking kingly in this title defense he still could have lost very easily, as Kyle Walker made his appearance known late, taking advantage of a fallen ref to hit the champ with a jumping elbow to the face so hard it actually knocked the Japanese Uber-model’s protective facemask halfway off!
Llamas made no move to capitalize on this advantage, struggling to get off the mat and then showing extreme difficulty in standing up. Walker did his best to slap some sense into the challenger so that he could take MIRYOKO’s prized title away from him, but to no avail, seconds later being taken down and out of the ring by MIRYOKO’s ever hiding Ninjas, skulking unseen in the crowd. Moments later the champ recovered and scored the pin after a crazy cyclone and then joined his Ninja security team in their assault on Walker.
Surely doom would have befallen the young Walker had the beatings not been prevented by the unlikely appearance of the very same woman who deposited Billy Hollywood so ruthlessly at WSN #10. Yes, Helga Hunkachunk, all 350 pounds of the Swedish Masseuse, came roaring down to clear house, sending the Japanese Fashion Team scurrying and then throwing the prone figures of both Walker and Llamas on her shoulders, taking them to the back for recovery via the healing power of massage. Well, we hope that’s it, poor Kyle has a match tomorrow!
Another huge main event hits Saturday Night this week, this time featuring Pro Wrestling WILD’s very first ever UN-DEATH match! Before I explain what in the hell that is I should preface the action by explaining what got us to this point. At WSN #10 the war between the Zombis and Melancholia (shaDow and eDo) reached a fevered pitch when the muzzled zombies lost convincingly to the not-crippled-by-rigor-mortis emo youngsters, but allowed one of their own (Capoeira Zombie) to escape his bonds, terrorizing dozens as he shambled through the arena on his way to a Dance Dance Revolution machine. No one was hurt, but this was the final straw for Melancholia mentor and professional zombie hunter Augustus Stern, who publicly vowed bloody retribution!
That retribution came over the Christmas break when Capoeira Zombie was found dead, well, lifeless, ummm, inanimate I guess is the word, in the back of a German disco in Berlin, a crossbow bolt imbedded between his eyes. No prints were found on the bolt but it was pretty clear who the main suspect was. Zombi manager Zombie Master held a press conference shortly thereafter, proclaiming that Augustus Stern’s bigotry would not stand, insisting Stern had in fact killed a living, human being who chose to be placed under the spell of the voodoo zombie, much different than the walking undead of popular fiction, which, we all know, can’t possibly exist. Ahem.
And since this is pro wrestling and none of this shit really makes any sense Zombie Master demanded payback not in a court of law but in a wrestling ring, in the violently bloody UN-DEATH match, to prove once and for all that his Zombi charges can be a walking (un) corpse, wrestle and not try to devour their opponents whole, while gaining revenge for their fallen comrade. Stern quickly accepted and added one more stipulation: the loser leaves town! Oddly, the emo douche boys that are Melancholia appeared far less concerned about being involved in a match that involves electrified, exploding barbed wire and timed explosives positioned at head level around the ring than they did about being in a match that could possibly be their last in Pro Wrestling WILD. Something about not having a large audience to hear about how painful life is, I would imagine.
The match was pretty much what you would expect from a death match, with the still-muzzled zombies engaged in bloody warfare with the emo kids, sending blood, sparks of electricity and explosive blasts high in the air while the censors in back were probably having coronaries thinking about what the FCC would do to them for showing this shit on prime time Saturday Night. Probably not a concern since this garbage airs on Animal Planet 6 for some reason, but a job is a job, you know? In any case, what had been just a steady stream of carnage (but of the superficial kind, I mean, lets be fair, skin grows back) got really nasty, and a real reason to be worried, at the conclusion of the match.
With seconds to go before the time bombs were set to go off Augustus Stern screamed to shaDow and eDo to hit the deck, which they did, leaving the zombies still standing and in the direct line of fire of the explosive devices. With a resounding chorus they all went off at the fifteen-minute mark and, when the smoke cleared, the zombies were amazingly still standing … SANS HEADS! Moments later they collapsed and the shocked ref immediately called for the bell while paramedics and Zombie Master rushed the ring. Obviously you can’t really treat a headless corpse so Zombie Master wailed to the heavens, grieving openly while promising payback with a new zombie army and those who dare discriminate against the life-challenged.
Augustus Stern was quickly apprehended by authorities, who charged him with the murder of Capoeira Zombie aka Rodrigo Jorge and the murders of Zombi I and Zombi II (identities as of yet unknown), citing he had replaced the low explosive devices with claymore mines designed to send forth a torrent of ball bearings to decapitate any one in range. Dude must have some serious skill in munitions! Stern was then dragged away kicking and screaming, begging shaDow and eDo to carry on the fight, that the zombie threat is real, and to keep an eye on who Zombie Master tries to convert next!
Like I said at the top, cRaZy!!
1) Danny Dynamite ~12:26 Frog Splash~ Wild Bill
2) Bobo Gomez ~13:44 Count-Out!~ Duz Busch
3) Ronnie Dod / Aleks Dodstva ~9:42 Double Count-Out!~ Stuart Robinson/ Fat Lip
4) Paradigm ~10:18 STF~ Joey Knuckles
5) SOUTHEASTERN JUNIOR HEAVWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
(C) MIRYOKO ~8:16 Crazy Cyclone~ Lorenzo Llamas {2nd Successful Defense}
6) UN-DEATH MATCH
Melancholia [shaDow / eDo O] ~15:35 Skull Perforating Shrapnel Wounds~ Zombi Flesh Eaters [Zombi I / Zombi II X]
Former pro body builder David DaVinci is a prime example of this mindset, having gotten some measure of revenge over Da Busch Boyz at WSN #10 (with the help of new partner Danny Dynamite) but, having gotten a taste of success, not being satisfied, insisting that Dynamite get some time in on a heavyweight in preparation for tag gold! That heavyweight turned out to be lawman Wild Bill who wound up being not much of a challenge for Dynamite, as he focused far more on the illegality of the ringside DaVinci’s generously lathered body oil than his opponent. End result was an extremely perturbed referee who, presumably tired of the incessant snitching, delivered a fast count after a Dynamite frog splash, ending the match. See kids, this is why you don’t snitch like a bitch!
Some pre-match interview fun preceded the next bout, as Duz Busch completely hijacked a Busch Boyz interview to apologize to the fans for being a “fat piece of shit” and then unfurled a long piece of parchment, off of which he began to recite a gigantic amount of New Year’s resolutions, most centered around losing weight and becoming a better wrestler. Sensing that Duz’s newfound commitment to the grappling arts would hamper Da Boyz’s commitment to the rapping arts, manager Master P ripped Duz’s list of resolutions from his hands and closed the segment, but not before the Big Busch was able to announce he would prove his newfound focus against the dangerous bum fighter Bobo Gomez!
That match came up next, with Raz and Master P at ringside to offer what passes for support in Da Busch Boyz camp (crunking with ringside hos and champagne guzzling, mostly) while Duz put forth an erstwhile effort to be the best wrestler he could be. Problem is Bobo has never been one to focus on the technical aspect of the sport and it was only a matter of minutes before the style he perfected fighting bums drew Duz into a heated brawl. The fighting took both men outside where Master P took notice of the brutality of their exchanges and, fearing for the safety of his cash cow, intervened, creating a barrier between Duz and Bobo by tossing hundreds of twenties on the floor which attracted dozens of greedy booty babes.
Rather than fight through a mass of ass Bobo elected to roll back into the ring to beat the twenty count, winning the match. He then grabbed a microphone and said that anytime Duz wants to come out from hiding behind his celebrity he would be glad to fight him again, which Duz agreed to immediately! Master P and Raz tried to talk him out of this decision, but an angry Duz just pushed past them on his way to the back, shouting that he wasn’t messing around when he announced his resolutions earlier!
Many who watched the special holiday themed WSN #10 commented on the heart warming conclusion to the Aleks Dodstva / Fat Lip match that saw the Dods and LRI make nice and go out for drinks after the show. But what wasn’t caught on cameras was what happened after several (dozen) pitchers of cheap lager were consumed at the local watering hole! Apparently the acerbic tongue of Fat Lip was loosened so much that he let fly with a string of insults mocking the Dod’s wrestling ability and then, when this was all taken in jest, Stuart Robinson chimed in with some choice insults about the Dod’s family tree! The last bit was the straw that broke the camel’s back and a wild bar brawl ensued, broken up only after several squads of police used tear gas and tasers to restore order!
After a tense night in the clink both sides vowed to rip the other’s heads off, leading us to tag action this week between Ronnie and Aleks against Stuart and Fat Lip! So much for all that good will built up during the holidays, eh? As you might expect this wasn’t much of a match at all, more a continuation of the bar brawl that got them locked up in the first place leading to a crazy double count out! Once the final bell rang Caleb and Iggy Dod came down to put the finishing touches on Stu and Fat Lip, only to be stopped by a chair waving VD Dod! Wild eyed and shaking with rage, VD held the confused Dods back while Fat Lip and Stuart retreated, leaving the wrestling world wondering if the Dods and LRI have passed the point of no return! Can WILD withstand such a civil war?!?
Another interview segment came next, this time from an undisclosed, completely darkened, location, done so to hide its subjects whereabouts. A voice introduced itself as Paradigm and then went on to explain his actions at WSN #10, saying that he was tired of being used by La Cosa Nostra and decided to sever any ties with them. He then said that he grabbed Gilbert Theunk at the end of the match because of his success at hiding out from the gangsters for nearly two weeks after stealing the Mid-Continental title, not an easy feat considering that when La Cosa Nostra wants to find someone, they usually do.
Paradigm continued by saying he has no desire to interfere with the Bianco Family criminal enterprise, other than to get satisfaction for the escalating high-interest loans that placed him in their back pocket for so long. In order to eliminate his debt Paradigm proposed a match with every member of La Cosa Nostra, once per show, each victory covering a third of his debt, with the final win meaning complete amnesty for himself and Gilbert. As insurance against a double-cross, Paradigm said that he had acquired enough evidence against the Bianco Family to put them away for a very long time, and that it would be safe in the hands of Theunk, ready to be delivered to the authorities at a moments notice!
The challenge was accepted, with Joey Knuckles stepping up to take on Paradigm. Knuckles, by no means a made La Cosa Nostra soldier and considered as deep, if not deeper, in the pocket of the Bianco Family than Paradigm ever was, put on the best fight his ability would allow him but just couldn’t match the fury of Paradigm, who took out months of abuse in just ten short minutes, tapping Knuckles out with the STF and winning back the first part of his freedom in convincing fashion. Paradigm left the ring and into the locker room triumphantly; completely unaware he was being shadowed by Rick Briggs and Ted Zannino, that is until his followers were jumped by Paddy Baker and Sean Gabriel! La Cosa Nostra was laid out with a quickness, leaving Paradigm standing there dumbfounded, appearing ready to offer thanks until the hard stare returned by the Celtic Bruisers convinced him an alliance was not quite ready to be struck.
Next up MIRYOKO made good (finally) on the promised shot at his Southeastern Junior Heavyweight championship, won at WSN #9 by Lorenzo Llamas. The match itself really wasn’t much, with MIRYOKO clearly outclassing Llamas although it was difficult to understand why, given how amazing the latter looked winning his shot at the title in four-way action a month prior. (It was later learned a poisoned dart had been shot into his neck from a Ninja in the audience) But even with MIRYOKO looking kingly in this title defense he still could have lost very easily, as Kyle Walker made his appearance known late, taking advantage of a fallen ref to hit the champ with a jumping elbow to the face so hard it actually knocked the Japanese Uber-model’s protective facemask halfway off!
Llamas made no move to capitalize on this advantage, struggling to get off the mat and then showing extreme difficulty in standing up. Walker did his best to slap some sense into the challenger so that he could take MIRYOKO’s prized title away from him, but to no avail, seconds later being taken down and out of the ring by MIRYOKO’s ever hiding Ninjas, skulking unseen in the crowd. Moments later the champ recovered and scored the pin after a crazy cyclone and then joined his Ninja security team in their assault on Walker.
Surely doom would have befallen the young Walker had the beatings not been prevented by the unlikely appearance of the very same woman who deposited Billy Hollywood so ruthlessly at WSN #10. Yes, Helga Hunkachunk, all 350 pounds of the Swedish Masseuse, came roaring down to clear house, sending the Japanese Fashion Team scurrying and then throwing the prone figures of both Walker and Llamas on her shoulders, taking them to the back for recovery via the healing power of massage. Well, we hope that’s it, poor Kyle has a match tomorrow!
Another huge main event hits Saturday Night this week, this time featuring Pro Wrestling WILD’s very first ever UN-DEATH match! Before I explain what in the hell that is I should preface the action by explaining what got us to this point. At WSN #10 the war between the Zombis and Melancholia (shaDow and eDo) reached a fevered pitch when the muzzled zombies lost convincingly to the not-crippled-by-rigor-mortis emo youngsters, but allowed one of their own (Capoeira Zombie) to escape his bonds, terrorizing dozens as he shambled through the arena on his way to a Dance Dance Revolution machine. No one was hurt, but this was the final straw for Melancholia mentor and professional zombie hunter Augustus Stern, who publicly vowed bloody retribution!
That retribution came over the Christmas break when Capoeira Zombie was found dead, well, lifeless, ummm, inanimate I guess is the word, in the back of a German disco in Berlin, a crossbow bolt imbedded between his eyes. No prints were found on the bolt but it was pretty clear who the main suspect was. Zombi manager Zombie Master held a press conference shortly thereafter, proclaiming that Augustus Stern’s bigotry would not stand, insisting Stern had in fact killed a living, human being who chose to be placed under the spell of the voodoo zombie, much different than the walking undead of popular fiction, which, we all know, can’t possibly exist. Ahem.
And since this is pro wrestling and none of this shit really makes any sense Zombie Master demanded payback not in a court of law but in a wrestling ring, in the violently bloody UN-DEATH match, to prove once and for all that his Zombi charges can be a walking (un) corpse, wrestle and not try to devour their opponents whole, while gaining revenge for their fallen comrade. Stern quickly accepted and added one more stipulation: the loser leaves town! Oddly, the emo douche boys that are Melancholia appeared far less concerned about being involved in a match that involves electrified, exploding barbed wire and timed explosives positioned at head level around the ring than they did about being in a match that could possibly be their last in Pro Wrestling WILD. Something about not having a large audience to hear about how painful life is, I would imagine.
The match was pretty much what you would expect from a death match, with the still-muzzled zombies engaged in bloody warfare with the emo kids, sending blood, sparks of electricity and explosive blasts high in the air while the censors in back were probably having coronaries thinking about what the FCC would do to them for showing this shit on prime time Saturday Night. Probably not a concern since this garbage airs on Animal Planet 6 for some reason, but a job is a job, you know? In any case, what had been just a steady stream of carnage (but of the superficial kind, I mean, lets be fair, skin grows back) got really nasty, and a real reason to be worried, at the conclusion of the match.
With seconds to go before the time bombs were set to go off Augustus Stern screamed to shaDow and eDo to hit the deck, which they did, leaving the zombies still standing and in the direct line of fire of the explosive devices. With a resounding chorus they all went off at the fifteen-minute mark and, when the smoke cleared, the zombies were amazingly still standing … SANS HEADS! Moments later they collapsed and the shocked ref immediately called for the bell while paramedics and Zombie Master rushed the ring. Obviously you can’t really treat a headless corpse so Zombie Master wailed to the heavens, grieving openly while promising payback with a new zombie army and those who dare discriminate against the life-challenged.
Augustus Stern was quickly apprehended by authorities, who charged him with the murder of Capoeira Zombie aka Rodrigo Jorge and the murders of Zombi I and Zombi II (identities as of yet unknown), citing he had replaced the low explosive devices with claymore mines designed to send forth a torrent of ball bearings to decapitate any one in range. Dude must have some serious skill in munitions! Stern was then dragged away kicking and screaming, begging shaDow and eDo to carry on the fight, that the zombie threat is real, and to keep an eye on who Zombie Master tries to convert next!
Like I said at the top, cRaZy!!
1) Danny Dynamite ~12:26 Frog Splash~ Wild Bill
2) Bobo Gomez ~13:44 Count-Out!~ Duz Busch
3) Ronnie Dod / Aleks Dodstva ~9:42 Double Count-Out!~ Stuart Robinson/ Fat Lip
4) Paradigm ~10:18 STF~ Joey Knuckles
5) SOUTHEASTERN JUNIOR HEAVWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
(C) MIRYOKO ~8:16 Crazy Cyclone~ Lorenzo Llamas {2nd Successful Defense}
6) UN-DEATH MATCH
Melancholia [shaDow / eDo O] ~15:35 Skull Perforating Shrapnel Wounds~ Zombi Flesh Eaters [Zombi I / Zombi II X]
12.01.2007
WILD Saturday Night #8
It seems that no matter how violent and gory The Zombis get in their matches they continue to get invited back to participate on Saturday Night, which says a lot about the booking on this program. Just two weeks ago they terrified poor emo convert shaDow (the former indie darling DiNk, now burdened with the world’s misery as he trudges towards adulthood. awwwwww) by ripping large chunks of flesh from partner Rodrigo Jorge and then stuffing him in a coffin after the match! I wish I were making this up …
Would-be victims Survival Joe and Randy Scrimps were trotted out to face the slavering undead duo this time around and wound up doing little more than dodge the gnashing fangs of this slavering undead duo. When it became clear that Survival Joe’s monster-fighting skills might just prevent any rending of the flesh by the walking dead the bloodthirsty fans turned on this match, pelting the ring and those within it with sodas, hotdogs and other barely edible items from the concession stand.
This served to anger the mysterious cloaked Zombie Master, who started a voodoo fire outside the ring that somehow gave his minions extra power, extra power that nearly broke through the defenses of poor Joe and Randy! All would have been lost had it not been for the timely appearance of young shaDow and sullen partner of the gathering dark eDo (formerly Tomohiro Ito, who also turned goth recently for unknown reasons), who stormed the ring brandishing crosses and holy water, providing just enough of a distraction to allow the living an escape. Poor referee Gen Hirayama had no choice but to throw the match out, taking time out after to admonish shaDow and eDo for their poor choice of weaponry.
A short time after shaDow and eDo explained their reasons for interfering (something about them being so ensconced in the ebon folds of despair that only they can see the walking dead for what they truly are … the walking dead.) the mysterious Zombie Master reluctantly packed his shambling corpses back into their coffins and escorted them to the back via ox-drawn cart, leaving shaDow to wait for his opponent in the first match of the WILD Junior Heavyweight title tournament! Nice segue, huh?
Anyways, said opponent wound up being the extremely confident Billy Hollywood, accompanied by manager Lou Hoffman and watched from the back entrance by ubermodel MIRYOKO. They say they’re just friends but they’re not really fooling anyone. Personally, I think they make a good couple. I know, I know, ewwwww …
This sentiment was pretty much shared by young shaDow, who took umbrage with the constant barrage of moves involving junk to the face. In fact, shaDow got so worked up by the relentless tea-bagging that he got angrier than anyone would have thought possible for a mopey douche who listens to way too many Cure albums. This anger thoroughly frightened Hollywood so much it probably would have cost him the match had the events of the previous match not reared their ugly head.
Turns out the Zombi attack on Rodrigo Jorge two weeks ago wound up being too much for him, resulting in his demise and return as the World’s First Capoeira Zombie! Set loose by his evil Zombie Master, Jorge Zombi made a beeline for shaDow’s ring second eDo, nearly removing a large chunk of his shoulder with his teeth. Only young shaDow’s keen eye prevented tragedy, but, while he warned his partner of impending doom, he left himself open to attack by Hollywood, who downed shaDow with the Danshoku Driver. Post-match, Billy Hollywood celebrated his advancing in the tournament with MIRYOKO and Lou Hoffman by prancing around the fallen shaDow while eDo fought off the chomping Capoeira Zombi in what can only be described as a thoroughly surreal WILD moment …
Next, it was MIRYOKO’s turn to prove himself in the WILD Jr. Tourney against indie legend Hando. This one was surprisingly lopsided given how smooth MIRYOKO has looked in WILD rings so far, with Hando avoiding the deadly palm strikes of his opponent with ease and using an astonishing mix of high flying moves and slick pinning holds to keep the upper-hand. Hando’s quick victory via Delfin backbreaker sent MIRYOKO crying into the arms of Billy Hollywood and it’s rumored they plan on proving to the league office that Hando’s supposed splicing of frog DNA with his own gave him an unfair advantage in this match. Good luck with that one, fellas …
Earlier in the week La Cosa Nostra and Paradigm appeared on Pro Wrestling Weekly to discuss several issues with crack wrestling reporter Jerry Rig, chief among which was their escalating feud with new WILD World Tag Team Champions The Celtic Bruisers. While they refused to admit to the theft of the Mid-Continental Heavyweight Title on the last episode of WILD Saturday Night, they didn’t even attempt to hide their joy at the situation, all while proclaiming that they were ready to beat the Bruisers for the belts to prove they are the best tag team in all the land.
But then, while Paradigm was boasting about how easily he would take the Junior Heavyweight crown, the interview was interrupted by none other than Ronnie Dod and Aleks Dodstva, who said they were sick and tired of beating scrubs on Saturdays and feel THEY are the next in line for a tag team title shot! The ensuing brawl was broken up through no small amount of effort and it was decided shortly thereafter to let these two forces of nature prove just who is the better team: TONIGHT!
Which leads us to the fourth match of the night, Zannino and Briggs of La Cosa Nostra squaring off against The Dods in a tag match that wound up being about as good as it gets, anywhere! Before the bout La Cosa Nostra mouthpiece Raymond Bianco Jr. informed the crowd that he was so confident the Bruisers would do everything in their power to avoid defending the belts against them that he and his boys took the precaution of “keeping Baker and Gabriel at home”, whatever that means. Don’t want to think they did the unthinkable but we can only hope they want the titles so bad they didn’t actually harm the Bruisers. Cross your fingers, folks!
Turns out the Dods didn’t need the Bruisers’ aid. Ronnie Dod was king-sized here, allowing protégé Aleks just enough opportunity in the ring so as not to give the Italians an opening. Dod absorbed huge amounts of punishment and dealt it back in kind, leaving Briggs and Zannino a bloody mess, but still fighting mad! The last ten minutes was little more than a mad scramble as Ronnie’s pin attempts were repeatedly broken up until, finally, Aleks was able to break past human roadblock, referee Martin Roeg, to knock Zannino out of the ring, allowing Dod to score the pin with a stretch bomb on Briggs! Solid win for the Dods, who stand to make the Celtic Bruisers tag title reign a short one! That is, you know, if they aren’t “taking a dirt nap”.
Continuing the junior title tourney we had Kyle Walker, who has done nothing but impress in his first year as a pro, go up against very dangerous Fusion Dojo star Kikkoman. Possibly the best match of the night depending on what you look for in a wrestling match (if you prefer zombies and emo fags this would probably place second), this one saw Kikkoman look deadly beyond even the standard he has set in his previous two WILD matches. He hit Walker with all of his best moves and scored several near falls, but somehow the rookie held on, showing that famous Walker resolve. Eschewing wrestling moves, Walker chose to counter the assault with punches and elbows, a strategy that worked, really knocking Kikkoman for a loop and enabling him to get a flash pin to advance to the next round.
Finally, in the main event, WILD Junior Veteran and arguably the company’s most exciting star Juan Leche took on “Saturday Night Mastermind” Paradigm in the final junior title tournament quarterfinal. It was expected that La Cosa Nostra members would be littering the outside of the ring to assist their partner but after the beating they took at the hands of the Dods only the lowly Joe Doe was present. I’ll have to pass on the tragic tale of Doe for another time, but rest assured, it’s one that will break your heart. Let’s just say his success as ring second for Paradigm would go a long way towards helping his status within La Cosa Nostra and leave it at that.
But onto the action: Paradigm looked golden here, not needing the aid of La Cosa Nostra in the least, using an array of DDT’s, suplexes and STF’s to pummel and stretch Leche to the brink of defeat. So in charge of the action was Paradigm that he took the time to brag about his success, repeating his T-Shirt’s catchphrase over and over while taunting the fans, all while the nervous Joe Doe broke into a cold sweat and meekly suggested that Paradigm hurry up.
Predictably the stalling and heel braggadocio allowed Leche a window back into the match, turning this one from one-sided squash into a legitimate competition. But even after Leche hit a string of dynamic high-flying moves it was clear some very serious damage had already been done, as he had to take time to recover after nearly every move. The final moments came shortly after hitting a hurracanrana that deposited Paradigm in the center of the ring, leaving Leche tired and breathing hard near the ropes right where Doe was standing. For whatever reason Doe hesitated to strike the extremely vulnerable Paradigm and, when he finally grabbed a chair and lifted it over his head to apply the killing blow, referee Martin Roeg caught him in the act!
With the ref distracted, Paradigm then made his move, rising and advancing on Leche only to have one more obstacle thrown in his path; Gilbert Theunk, recently slid into the ring and brandishing a metal briefcase! Shocked and given no time to react, Paradigm was felled with one mighty swing, allowing Leche to take advantage with a British Fall and a quick cover just as the referee turned around from chewing out Joe Doe! The three-count was, as they say, academic, advancing Leche to the semis against Kyle Walker. Meanwhile, Joe Doe openly wept at the defeat of Paradigm while Theunk taunted the pair of them from outside the ring. We still don’t know what La Cosa Nostra did with the Bruisers but it would appear they made a huge mistake by not including Gilbert Theunk in the “fun”!
1) Zombigeddon [Zombi I O/ Zombie II] ~5:36 Disqualification!~ Survival Joe/ Randy Scrimps
2) WILD JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT – QUARTERFINALS
Billy Hollywood ~14:02 Danshoku Driver~ shaDow
3) WILD JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT – QUARTERFINALS
Hando ~10:54 Delfin Backbreaker > Delfin Clutch~ MIRYOKO
4) Ronnie Dod O/ Aleks Dodstva ~28:52 Stretch Bomb~ La Cosa Nostra [Ted Zannino/ Rick Briggs X]
5) WILD JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT – QUARTERFINALS
Kyle Walker ~16:58 Flying Rolling Pin~ Kikkoman
6) WILD JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT – QUARTERFINALS
Juan Leche ~15:32 British Fall~ Paradigm
Would-be victims Survival Joe and Randy Scrimps were trotted out to face the slavering undead duo this time around and wound up doing little more than dodge the gnashing fangs of this slavering undead duo. When it became clear that Survival Joe’s monster-fighting skills might just prevent any rending of the flesh by the walking dead the bloodthirsty fans turned on this match, pelting the ring and those within it with sodas, hotdogs and other barely edible items from the concession stand.
This served to anger the mysterious cloaked Zombie Master, who started a voodoo fire outside the ring that somehow gave his minions extra power, extra power that nearly broke through the defenses of poor Joe and Randy! All would have been lost had it not been for the timely appearance of young shaDow and sullen partner of the gathering dark eDo (formerly Tomohiro Ito, who also turned goth recently for unknown reasons), who stormed the ring brandishing crosses and holy water, providing just enough of a distraction to allow the living an escape. Poor referee Gen Hirayama had no choice but to throw the match out, taking time out after to admonish shaDow and eDo for their poor choice of weaponry.
A short time after shaDow and eDo explained their reasons for interfering (something about them being so ensconced in the ebon folds of despair that only they can see the walking dead for what they truly are … the walking dead.) the mysterious Zombie Master reluctantly packed his shambling corpses back into their coffins and escorted them to the back via ox-drawn cart, leaving shaDow to wait for his opponent in the first match of the WILD Junior Heavyweight title tournament! Nice segue, huh?
Anyways, said opponent wound up being the extremely confident Billy Hollywood, accompanied by manager Lou Hoffman and watched from the back entrance by ubermodel MIRYOKO. They say they’re just friends but they’re not really fooling anyone. Personally, I think they make a good couple. I know, I know, ewwwww …
This sentiment was pretty much shared by young shaDow, who took umbrage with the constant barrage of moves involving junk to the face. In fact, shaDow got so worked up by the relentless tea-bagging that he got angrier than anyone would have thought possible for a mopey douche who listens to way too many Cure albums. This anger thoroughly frightened Hollywood so much it probably would have cost him the match had the events of the previous match not reared their ugly head.
Turns out the Zombi attack on Rodrigo Jorge two weeks ago wound up being too much for him, resulting in his demise and return as the World’s First Capoeira Zombie! Set loose by his evil Zombie Master, Jorge Zombi made a beeline for shaDow’s ring second eDo, nearly removing a large chunk of his shoulder with his teeth. Only young shaDow’s keen eye prevented tragedy, but, while he warned his partner of impending doom, he left himself open to attack by Hollywood, who downed shaDow with the Danshoku Driver. Post-match, Billy Hollywood celebrated his advancing in the tournament with MIRYOKO and Lou Hoffman by prancing around the fallen shaDow while eDo fought off the chomping Capoeira Zombi in what can only be described as a thoroughly surreal WILD moment …
Next, it was MIRYOKO’s turn to prove himself in the WILD Jr. Tourney against indie legend Hando. This one was surprisingly lopsided given how smooth MIRYOKO has looked in WILD rings so far, with Hando avoiding the deadly palm strikes of his opponent with ease and using an astonishing mix of high flying moves and slick pinning holds to keep the upper-hand. Hando’s quick victory via Delfin backbreaker sent MIRYOKO crying into the arms of Billy Hollywood and it’s rumored they plan on proving to the league office that Hando’s supposed splicing of frog DNA with his own gave him an unfair advantage in this match. Good luck with that one, fellas …
Earlier in the week La Cosa Nostra and Paradigm appeared on Pro Wrestling Weekly to discuss several issues with crack wrestling reporter Jerry Rig, chief among which was their escalating feud with new WILD World Tag Team Champions The Celtic Bruisers. While they refused to admit to the theft of the Mid-Continental Heavyweight Title on the last episode of WILD Saturday Night, they didn’t even attempt to hide their joy at the situation, all while proclaiming that they were ready to beat the Bruisers for the belts to prove they are the best tag team in all the land.
But then, while Paradigm was boasting about how easily he would take the Junior Heavyweight crown, the interview was interrupted by none other than Ronnie Dod and Aleks Dodstva, who said they were sick and tired of beating scrubs on Saturdays and feel THEY are the next in line for a tag team title shot! The ensuing brawl was broken up through no small amount of effort and it was decided shortly thereafter to let these two forces of nature prove just who is the better team: TONIGHT!
Which leads us to the fourth match of the night, Zannino and Briggs of La Cosa Nostra squaring off against The Dods in a tag match that wound up being about as good as it gets, anywhere! Before the bout La Cosa Nostra mouthpiece Raymond Bianco Jr. informed the crowd that he was so confident the Bruisers would do everything in their power to avoid defending the belts against them that he and his boys took the precaution of “keeping Baker and Gabriel at home”, whatever that means. Don’t want to think they did the unthinkable but we can only hope they want the titles so bad they didn’t actually harm the Bruisers. Cross your fingers, folks!
Turns out the Dods didn’t need the Bruisers’ aid. Ronnie Dod was king-sized here, allowing protégé Aleks just enough opportunity in the ring so as not to give the Italians an opening. Dod absorbed huge amounts of punishment and dealt it back in kind, leaving Briggs and Zannino a bloody mess, but still fighting mad! The last ten minutes was little more than a mad scramble as Ronnie’s pin attempts were repeatedly broken up until, finally, Aleks was able to break past human roadblock, referee Martin Roeg, to knock Zannino out of the ring, allowing Dod to score the pin with a stretch bomb on Briggs! Solid win for the Dods, who stand to make the Celtic Bruisers tag title reign a short one! That is, you know, if they aren’t “taking a dirt nap”.
Continuing the junior title tourney we had Kyle Walker, who has done nothing but impress in his first year as a pro, go up against very dangerous Fusion Dojo star Kikkoman. Possibly the best match of the night depending on what you look for in a wrestling match (if you prefer zombies and emo fags this would probably place second), this one saw Kikkoman look deadly beyond even the standard he has set in his previous two WILD matches. He hit Walker with all of his best moves and scored several near falls, but somehow the rookie held on, showing that famous Walker resolve. Eschewing wrestling moves, Walker chose to counter the assault with punches and elbows, a strategy that worked, really knocking Kikkoman for a loop and enabling him to get a flash pin to advance to the next round.
Finally, in the main event, WILD Junior Veteran and arguably the company’s most exciting star Juan Leche took on “Saturday Night Mastermind” Paradigm in the final junior title tournament quarterfinal. It was expected that La Cosa Nostra members would be littering the outside of the ring to assist their partner but after the beating they took at the hands of the Dods only the lowly Joe Doe was present. I’ll have to pass on the tragic tale of Doe for another time, but rest assured, it’s one that will break your heart. Let’s just say his success as ring second for Paradigm would go a long way towards helping his status within La Cosa Nostra and leave it at that.
But onto the action: Paradigm looked golden here, not needing the aid of La Cosa Nostra in the least, using an array of DDT’s, suplexes and STF’s to pummel and stretch Leche to the brink of defeat. So in charge of the action was Paradigm that he took the time to brag about his success, repeating his T-Shirt’s catchphrase over and over while taunting the fans, all while the nervous Joe Doe broke into a cold sweat and meekly suggested that Paradigm hurry up.
Predictably the stalling and heel braggadocio allowed Leche a window back into the match, turning this one from one-sided squash into a legitimate competition. But even after Leche hit a string of dynamic high-flying moves it was clear some very serious damage had already been done, as he had to take time to recover after nearly every move. The final moments came shortly after hitting a hurracanrana that deposited Paradigm in the center of the ring, leaving Leche tired and breathing hard near the ropes right where Doe was standing. For whatever reason Doe hesitated to strike the extremely vulnerable Paradigm and, when he finally grabbed a chair and lifted it over his head to apply the killing blow, referee Martin Roeg caught him in the act!
With the ref distracted, Paradigm then made his move, rising and advancing on Leche only to have one more obstacle thrown in his path; Gilbert Theunk, recently slid into the ring and brandishing a metal briefcase! Shocked and given no time to react, Paradigm was felled with one mighty swing, allowing Leche to take advantage with a British Fall and a quick cover just as the referee turned around from chewing out Joe Doe! The three-count was, as they say, academic, advancing Leche to the semis against Kyle Walker. Meanwhile, Joe Doe openly wept at the defeat of Paradigm while Theunk taunted the pair of them from outside the ring. We still don’t know what La Cosa Nostra did with the Bruisers but it would appear they made a huge mistake by not including Gilbert Theunk in the “fun”!
1) Zombigeddon [Zombi I O/ Zombie II] ~5:36 Disqualification!~ Survival Joe/ Randy Scrimps
2) WILD JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT – QUARTERFINALS
Billy Hollywood ~14:02 Danshoku Driver~ shaDow
3) WILD JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT – QUARTERFINALS
Hando ~10:54 Delfin Backbreaker > Delfin Clutch~ MIRYOKO
4) Ronnie Dod O/ Aleks Dodstva ~28:52 Stretch Bomb~ La Cosa Nostra [Ted Zannino/ Rick Briggs X]
5) WILD JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT – QUARTERFINALS
Kyle Walker ~16:58 Flying Rolling Pin~ Kikkoman
6) WILD JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT – QUARTERFINALS
Juan Leche ~15:32 British Fall~ Paradigm
11.17.2007
WILD Saturday Night #7
So the heads at WILD were thinking about playing off the obvious hatred between Cynthia San Martino and Thunderlips Lachlan (as seen in issue #6!) by scheduling another match, this time with the loser having to prove their dubious sexuality by disrobing in front of a gynecologist in the middle of the ring! Luckily for us all they came to their senses in the nick of time and decided no one in their right minds really gives a flying fuck about which sex is superior in battle and thus this short lived program hath been cancelled-eth …
And so the first match of the night involved that exciting breed of rasslers who are only nominally more interesting than midgets: the junior heavyweight. You see, word has been growing about the creation of a brand-new WILD Junior Heavyweight title (and a TOURNAMENT to crown the first champ!), so spunky little high-flyers have been lining up to prove their worth! Of them all, few have shone brighter in recent weeks than indie superstar Hando and Fusion Dojo soy sauce magnate Kikkoman, who, by the grace of good booking, faced off against one another this week!
With evil fashion model MIRYOKO’s agent looking on and taking notes, Kikkoman wound up scoring the impressive win here, downing a man who – just last week - took out three men in one match (also seen in issue #6!) after a mind-numbingly exciting final three minutes that saw nothing but finisher quality moves traded with wild abandon! If the rumors about a WILD Jr. Title tourney happening in the coming weeks are true we can only hope these men square off at some point during it!
If you keep up with the action in Spunk Pro you would know that Matt D is sporting a bit of a new look, having embraced the ebony folds of the world’s sorrow. Translation: he went Goth, which means jet-black hair, painted fingernails and black lipstick. He also no longer wants to be known as Matt D, taking the time before his tag match against the Zombis, to announce his new name: shaDow (whatever). To christen this new moniker he proceeded to cut his wrist with an ornamental metal thumbnail, which turned out to be a really poor course of action in the presence of flesh-eating zombies.
Already straining at their dog collars (mandated by WILD after the events of last week), the Zombis broke free with ease at the sight of crimson jets erupting from Matt D’s forearm (he cut down, never cut down), sending him scurrying and leaving partner Rodrigo Jorge to fend for himself. Called out later for his cowardice, Matt said he needed medical attention and was not ready to cross over into the “gathering dark”, having much sorrow to spread before he leaves this mortal coil. (whatever) Whatever his reason for bailing it didn’t really matter to Capoeira master Jorge, who put on a fucking stellar one-man show en route to victory! Unfortunately this didn’t stop him from getting mobbed by the zombies after the match, having large chunks of flesh torn from his body and then stuffed into one of the coffins waiting on the Zombie Master’s ox cart. Oh dear …
Sean Gabriel reluctantly teamed up with the son of deceased legend Virgil Theunk, Gilbert, in the next match against La Cosa Nostra, with the idea being they would put such a hurting on their opponents they would not be able interfere in Paddy Baker’s Mid-Continental title defense against Paradigm later in the evening. But after this one was over and done it turns out Theunk was really the only one that got tuckered out, what with this being only his fourth wrestling match and all. Well, that and the fact the fool refused to tag out during the final fifteen minutes of the match, going on and on about avenging his father’s good name and protecting the legacy of the Mid-Continental title.
This isn’t to say he didn’t look good leading the charge into the gates of hell, as it were, but he’s really going to have to learn a thing or two about teamwork if he ever wants to pair off with a dedicated tag team veteran like Gabriel ever again. Speaking of which, the “Emerald Isle Bruiser’s” presence was enough to dissuade Briggs and Zannino from attempting any post match shenanigans, but it was pretty clear from the way he pushed past Theunk on the way out of the ring that he is not happy with this newcomer being associated with the Celtic Bruisers. Drama!
MIRYOKO was back this week sans elephant (he was told politely, yet firmly, to never bring that “manure machine” back to a WILD show again) but with something much, much better: Billy Hollywood! Seems these two have struck up quite a friendship in the past week; trying on fancy clothes at boutiques and then pouring ink all over them, heckling dancers at local drag shows, feasting on sushi and then faking illness to get out of paying the bill, cheating at skee-ball in order to rack up tickets, teasing zoo animals and stealing rare orchids from local arboretums. You name it, and these two fast friends have done it!
Originally these two wanted to pair off in tag action this week but since WILD Personnel can’t get off its ass for ten minutes to send me the appropriate files poor Billy is not cleared to wrestle on Saturday Nights. I know, it sucks! So instead of wrestling these two extremely fashion conscious individuals decided to share their proposed designs for the new WILD Junior Heavyweight championship with the audience, sticking them to the faceplate of MIRYOKO’s Southeastern Junior Heavyweight Championship and having them paraded around the ring to Kylie Minogue’s “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head”. You think you know crowd heat? Yeah, you don’t know shit son.
God bless Kyle Walker! This young stripling decided he had just about enough of this nonsense and stormed down to the ring, demanding MIRYOKO put an end to the freak show and give him a shot for the Southeastern title! Amazingly MIRYOKO agreed, even appearing a little eager to get down and dirty with the taut, lithe athletic frame of the young Walker, all while Hollywood feigned fear, calling Walker a “filthy brute” and telling him to stay away. It was all really pretty creepy, especially if you aren’t secure with your heterosexuality. (You know who you are ;))
Anyways, Walker built on his solid performance against Leche the week before, meeting the champ blow for blow and even jarring the porcelain mask with a solid right, knocking it halfway off his face and exposing his most prized possession: his extremely photogenic face! Sensing his pal was moments away from doom, Billy Hollywood made an attempt to aid him, climbing the ring apron with the Southeastern title in hand! Somehow sensing this heel chicanery, Juan Leche sprinted to the ring from the back and attacked Hollywood, drawing the attention of referee Gen Hirayama.
Unfortunately all this did was allow MIRYOKO’s ever-skulking bodyguards, the Ninja Express, to aid their master. With the official effectively distracted they emerged from the shadows and attacked Walker with kendo sticks, allowing MIRYOKO to put him away with a Yokosuka Cutter, thus retaining his title. However there was no repeat of the beat down from the week prior, as Leche drove off the enemy hordes with a chair! After MIRYOKO, Hollywood and the Ninjas scurried off Leche then tended to Walker, only to get met with a punch to the face for his troubles! Oh man it just keeps getting better and better, don’t it?
Aleks Dodstva took the next step in his development in the fifth match of the night, taking on the bum fighter Bobo Gomez in singles action. Unfortunately that next step wound up going backwards, as the street fightin’ stud handled Dodstva with ease, taking him down with his MUSO finisher in just over ten minutes. If losing rather convincingly in front of a pretty large audience wasn’t enough poor Aleks had to endure the scolding of his trainer Ronnie!
The tongue-lashing might have lasted forever if it wasn’t for the grand entrance of Da Busch Boyz, continuing their “Petition For Recognition” initiative despite losing to the Dods the week before. Seeing their foes, Ronnie and Aleks girdled up their loins for battle until Busch Boyz manager Master P told them to “Chill my brothas!” While the booty girls got signatures for their petition, Master P asked the Dod one simple question that could alter the face of WILD Tag Team wrestling FOREVER: “We be changin’ da face o’ tag team rasslin’ on Saturday nights for two months now, blood. So why da hell you gotta be getting’ humbled by the dregs o’ Sundays when y’all SHOULD be steppin’ up to get a piece o’ what’s yours from LRI?” Yeah, not even Ronnie can argue with that logic.
Finally the night was capped off with a Mid-Continental Heavyweight Championship match, with champion Paddy Baker taking on Paradigm, who somehow weaseled his way into this position by virtue of his winning the six-man tag match for his team last week. Baker took the win here, his second straight in singles action against Paradigm, tripping up the hungry contender … literally! It all came down to the final moments, with both men barely eluding count-out after some intense brawling ringside. After crawling back in Baker attempted a backdrop suplex only to have it blocked, with Paradigm countering with a elbow smash to the back of Baker’s head.
The impact really must have been severe, for Baker struggled to get back up, slowly shaking his head in an effort to clear the cobwebs. Seeing this, Paradigm decided to gloat, pointing to the shiny silver title that lay on the timekeeper’s table, and then to his waist. Paradigm then grabbed Baker’s ankle and went for the STF, only to be tripped by the crafty Baker, sending him headfirst into the turnbuckle! Paradigm’s head snapped back violently and Baker waster no time, moving about as fast as he can to take advantage of his opponent’s vulnerable position, dropping him with the inverted piledriver and just barely getting the three count.
Several minutes and a breath caught later, Baker rose from the mat and signaled for his Mid-Continental title to be brought to him. But after several minutes, and no belt, Baker turned to the table that, just minutes before, held the title, only to see it was no longer there! The referee then re-entered the ring to confirm Baker’s worst fear: the title had been stolen by a mysterious masked individual of unknown origin! Baker’s eyes went wide as he turned to look at Paradigm, seated in the far corner, wiping the corner of his mouth, his soft giggling building into mocking laughter before rolling safely under the bottom rope, evading the charging Baker who realized, just then, that there was nothing he could have done to walk out of the arena with his title that night …
1) Kikkoman ~13:37 Diamond Cutter~ Hando
2) shaDow/ Rodrigo Jorge O ~8:03 Enzui Kneel Kick~ Zombi Holocaust [Zombi I/ Zombi II X]
3) La Cosa Nostra [Rick Briggs O/ Ted Zannino] ~26:24 Jumping Piledriver~ Sean Gabriel/ Gilbert Theunk X
4) SOUTHEASTERN JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
(C) MIRYOKO ~15:49 Yokosuka Cutter~ Kyle Walker {1st Successful Defense}
5) Bobo Gomez ~12:10 MUSO~ Aleks Dodstva
6) MID-CONTINENTAL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
(C) Paddy Baker ~16:58 Inverted Piledriver~ Paradigm {2nd Successful Defense}
And so the first match of the night involved that exciting breed of rasslers who are only nominally more interesting than midgets: the junior heavyweight. You see, word has been growing about the creation of a brand-new WILD Junior Heavyweight title (and a TOURNAMENT to crown the first champ!), so spunky little high-flyers have been lining up to prove their worth! Of them all, few have shone brighter in recent weeks than indie superstar Hando and Fusion Dojo soy sauce magnate Kikkoman, who, by the grace of good booking, faced off against one another this week!
With evil fashion model MIRYOKO’s agent looking on and taking notes, Kikkoman wound up scoring the impressive win here, downing a man who – just last week - took out three men in one match (also seen in issue #6!) after a mind-numbingly exciting final three minutes that saw nothing but finisher quality moves traded with wild abandon! If the rumors about a WILD Jr. Title tourney happening in the coming weeks are true we can only hope these men square off at some point during it!
If you keep up with the action in Spunk Pro you would know that Matt D is sporting a bit of a new look, having embraced the ebony folds of the world’s sorrow. Translation: he went Goth, which means jet-black hair, painted fingernails and black lipstick. He also no longer wants to be known as Matt D, taking the time before his tag match against the Zombis, to announce his new name: shaDow (whatever). To christen this new moniker he proceeded to cut his wrist with an ornamental metal thumbnail, which turned out to be a really poor course of action in the presence of flesh-eating zombies.
Already straining at their dog collars (mandated by WILD after the events of last week), the Zombis broke free with ease at the sight of crimson jets erupting from Matt D’s forearm (he cut down, never cut down), sending him scurrying and leaving partner Rodrigo Jorge to fend for himself. Called out later for his cowardice, Matt said he needed medical attention and was not ready to cross over into the “gathering dark”, having much sorrow to spread before he leaves this mortal coil. (whatever) Whatever his reason for bailing it didn’t really matter to Capoeira master Jorge, who put on a fucking stellar one-man show en route to victory! Unfortunately this didn’t stop him from getting mobbed by the zombies after the match, having large chunks of flesh torn from his body and then stuffed into one of the coffins waiting on the Zombie Master’s ox cart. Oh dear …
Sean Gabriel reluctantly teamed up with the son of deceased legend Virgil Theunk, Gilbert, in the next match against La Cosa Nostra, with the idea being they would put such a hurting on their opponents they would not be able interfere in Paddy Baker’s Mid-Continental title defense against Paradigm later in the evening. But after this one was over and done it turns out Theunk was really the only one that got tuckered out, what with this being only his fourth wrestling match and all. Well, that and the fact the fool refused to tag out during the final fifteen minutes of the match, going on and on about avenging his father’s good name and protecting the legacy of the Mid-Continental title.
This isn’t to say he didn’t look good leading the charge into the gates of hell, as it were, but he’s really going to have to learn a thing or two about teamwork if he ever wants to pair off with a dedicated tag team veteran like Gabriel ever again. Speaking of which, the “Emerald Isle Bruiser’s” presence was enough to dissuade Briggs and Zannino from attempting any post match shenanigans, but it was pretty clear from the way he pushed past Theunk on the way out of the ring that he is not happy with this newcomer being associated with the Celtic Bruisers. Drama!
MIRYOKO was back this week sans elephant (he was told politely, yet firmly, to never bring that “manure machine” back to a WILD show again) but with something much, much better: Billy Hollywood! Seems these two have struck up quite a friendship in the past week; trying on fancy clothes at boutiques and then pouring ink all over them, heckling dancers at local drag shows, feasting on sushi and then faking illness to get out of paying the bill, cheating at skee-ball in order to rack up tickets, teasing zoo animals and stealing rare orchids from local arboretums. You name it, and these two fast friends have done it!
Originally these two wanted to pair off in tag action this week but since WILD Personnel can’t get off its ass for ten minutes to send me the appropriate files poor Billy is not cleared to wrestle on Saturday Nights. I know, it sucks! So instead of wrestling these two extremely fashion conscious individuals decided to share their proposed designs for the new WILD Junior Heavyweight championship with the audience, sticking them to the faceplate of MIRYOKO’s Southeastern Junior Heavyweight Championship and having them paraded around the ring to Kylie Minogue’s “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head”. You think you know crowd heat? Yeah, you don’t know shit son.
God bless Kyle Walker! This young stripling decided he had just about enough of this nonsense and stormed down to the ring, demanding MIRYOKO put an end to the freak show and give him a shot for the Southeastern title! Amazingly MIRYOKO agreed, even appearing a little eager to get down and dirty with the taut, lithe athletic frame of the young Walker, all while Hollywood feigned fear, calling Walker a “filthy brute” and telling him to stay away. It was all really pretty creepy, especially if you aren’t secure with your heterosexuality. (You know who you are ;))
Anyways, Walker built on his solid performance against Leche the week before, meeting the champ blow for blow and even jarring the porcelain mask with a solid right, knocking it halfway off his face and exposing his most prized possession: his extremely photogenic face! Sensing his pal was moments away from doom, Billy Hollywood made an attempt to aid him, climbing the ring apron with the Southeastern title in hand! Somehow sensing this heel chicanery, Juan Leche sprinted to the ring from the back and attacked Hollywood, drawing the attention of referee Gen Hirayama.
Unfortunately all this did was allow MIRYOKO’s ever-skulking bodyguards, the Ninja Express, to aid their master. With the official effectively distracted they emerged from the shadows and attacked Walker with kendo sticks, allowing MIRYOKO to put him away with a Yokosuka Cutter, thus retaining his title. However there was no repeat of the beat down from the week prior, as Leche drove off the enemy hordes with a chair! After MIRYOKO, Hollywood and the Ninjas scurried off Leche then tended to Walker, only to get met with a punch to the face for his troubles! Oh man it just keeps getting better and better, don’t it?
Aleks Dodstva took the next step in his development in the fifth match of the night, taking on the bum fighter Bobo Gomez in singles action. Unfortunately that next step wound up going backwards, as the street fightin’ stud handled Dodstva with ease, taking him down with his MUSO finisher in just over ten minutes. If losing rather convincingly in front of a pretty large audience wasn’t enough poor Aleks had to endure the scolding of his trainer Ronnie!
The tongue-lashing might have lasted forever if it wasn’t for the grand entrance of Da Busch Boyz, continuing their “Petition For Recognition” initiative despite losing to the Dods the week before. Seeing their foes, Ronnie and Aleks girdled up their loins for battle until Busch Boyz manager Master P told them to “Chill my brothas!” While the booty girls got signatures for their petition, Master P asked the Dod one simple question that could alter the face of WILD Tag Team wrestling FOREVER: “We be changin’ da face o’ tag team rasslin’ on Saturday nights for two months now, blood. So why da hell you gotta be getting’ humbled by the dregs o’ Sundays when y’all SHOULD be steppin’ up to get a piece o’ what’s yours from LRI?” Yeah, not even Ronnie can argue with that logic.
Finally the night was capped off with a Mid-Continental Heavyweight Championship match, with champion Paddy Baker taking on Paradigm, who somehow weaseled his way into this position by virtue of his winning the six-man tag match for his team last week. Baker took the win here, his second straight in singles action against Paradigm, tripping up the hungry contender … literally! It all came down to the final moments, with both men barely eluding count-out after some intense brawling ringside. After crawling back in Baker attempted a backdrop suplex only to have it blocked, with Paradigm countering with a elbow smash to the back of Baker’s head.
The impact really must have been severe, for Baker struggled to get back up, slowly shaking his head in an effort to clear the cobwebs. Seeing this, Paradigm decided to gloat, pointing to the shiny silver title that lay on the timekeeper’s table, and then to his waist. Paradigm then grabbed Baker’s ankle and went for the STF, only to be tripped by the crafty Baker, sending him headfirst into the turnbuckle! Paradigm’s head snapped back violently and Baker waster no time, moving about as fast as he can to take advantage of his opponent’s vulnerable position, dropping him with the inverted piledriver and just barely getting the three count.
Several minutes and a breath caught later, Baker rose from the mat and signaled for his Mid-Continental title to be brought to him. But after several minutes, and no belt, Baker turned to the table that, just minutes before, held the title, only to see it was no longer there! The referee then re-entered the ring to confirm Baker’s worst fear: the title had been stolen by a mysterious masked individual of unknown origin! Baker’s eyes went wide as he turned to look at Paradigm, seated in the far corner, wiping the corner of his mouth, his soft giggling building into mocking laughter before rolling safely under the bottom rope, evading the charging Baker who realized, just then, that there was nothing he could have done to walk out of the arena with his title that night …
1) Kikkoman ~13:37 Diamond Cutter~ Hando
2) shaDow/ Rodrigo Jorge O ~8:03 Enzui Kneel Kick~ Zombi Holocaust [Zombi I/ Zombi II X]
3) La Cosa Nostra [Rick Briggs O/ Ted Zannino] ~26:24 Jumping Piledriver~ Sean Gabriel/ Gilbert Theunk X
4) SOUTHEASTERN JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
(C) MIRYOKO ~15:49 Yokosuka Cutter~ Kyle Walker {1st Successful Defense}
5) Bobo Gomez ~12:10 MUSO~ Aleks Dodstva
6) MID-CONTINENTAL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
(C) Paddy Baker ~16:58 Inverted Piledriver~ Paradigm {2nd Successful Defense}
11.10.2007
WILD Saturday Night #6
A night of exciting excitement started off with a guy vs. girl (gasp!) match, featuring Pro Wrestling WILD’s resident bully dyke Cynthia San Martino and women’s water polo coach Thunderlips Lachlan! The whole thing came about when Lachlan “accidentally” stumbled into the lady’s locker room while looking for his “poodle”, catching San Martino and Azumi Oonishi in a compromising position that involved a riding crop, bit and a studded strap-on. I’ll let you fill in the rest.
So in the heat of the moment was San Martino that she did not notice Lachlan’s presence for quite some time, but when she did …hoooo boy was she angry! Of course, because this is pro wrestling, this led to a wrestling match rather than the invasion of privacy suit that would logically happen in an instance such as this. But, because I do not ignore the basic laws of physics, Lachlan pretty much had his way with San Martino in this match because he outweighs her by a good forty kilos (fuck you, I’m not doing the conversion).
Lachlan blew his chance at humiliating victory in two very noticeable ways, however. The first was by wearing jean shorts way that were way too tight for any man, showing off just how excited he was to be in such close proximity to a member of the opposite sex, no matter how butch, thus giving away what we already knew all along: he wasn’t really looking for his poodle backstage! (Double gasp!) Secondly, he planted a big wet one on the bruised face of San Martino, giving her just enough of a charge to fight back with a series of headbutts and turnbuckle smashes, spilling the action outside the ring where Lachlan really didn’t put up much of a fight, resulting in a weird double-count out.
Upwards and onwards to match numero dos! Fans in attendance bore witness to one of the odder entrances in WILD history, as an ox-drawn cart bearing two coffins and a cloaked individual of unknown origin at the reins slowly made its way to the ring. And if you think this unorthodox entrance baffled the fans, you should have seen the look on the faces of local jobbers Eddie Dahed and Vic Rattlehead when the coffins opened, revealing Zombis I and II! Clearly, something was different about these MPLL rudos who were practically laughed out of the arena during their last appearance for WILD, so phony and totally not undead their appearance was.
Not so this time, for these two had the look down pat, from the festering wounds strewn with maggots to the eerie groans to the rapid shambling that only the finer Romero zombies can lay claim to; yes, if there is a zombie school anywhere in these fine United States these fellas graduated with honors. Unfortunately they may have been a little too into their schtick, as they took large chunks of flesh from their screaming opponents, resulting in an early disqualification and a mad scramble from WILD security to restore order. Mysterious Cloaked Zombie Master apologized profusely for the behavior of his “wrestlers” once order was restored and put them back in their coffins, promising that this sort of thing will never happen again. Weird, man.
Obligatory junior four-way match designed to get over the fledgling junior division was next on the card, with indie wrestling legend Hando outshining and outlasting opponents Wataru Araya, AC Slasher and Matt D, eliminating all three by himself and immediately establishing himself as some one to watch out for in the WILD junior ranks! Midway through this bout the Valiant Wrestling Alliance’s MIRYOKO (with the VWA six-man tag titles and newly acquired Southeastern Junior Heavyweight Championship in his possession), accompanied by his fashion designer and his bodyguards the Ninja Express, made an appearance on the back of a jewel encrusted Howdah (google it, fucker) saddled elephant. From the safety of this point of view MIRYOKO delighted in the match below, laughing at the action while his fashion designer furiously scribbled in a note pad.
At the conclusion of the bout MIRYOKO’s fashion designer climbed down from his perch and presented Hando with a prize for his efforts: new boots made of material from the boots of Juan Leche and shiny shirt of Kyle Walker, stolen two weeks before by The Ninja Express! Hando politely declined the present, infuriating MIRYOKO, but before he could sic his Ninjas on him Juan Leche and Kyle Walker stormed the ring from opposite sides of the arena to confront the effeminate Japanese supermodel for his actions! Sensing craziness was about to happen, Hando bailed just as Leche grabbed one boot and Walker the other, sending the fashion designed scurrying for cover.
Then, each with mic in hand, Leche and Walker proceeded to talk over one another as they tried to call out MIRYOKO for his dastardly deeds, the whole bit slightly comical at first until it was clear neither man wanted to be upstaged by the other until, finally, young Kyle Walker couldn’t take it anymore, hauling off and nailing Leche in the jaw with a punch! What followed was the best kind of match, the impromptu kind officiated by a conveniently present referee, this one an eagerly anticipated showdown between two men who have been itching to tangle for weeks now!
With a gleeful MIRYOKO clapping along like an enthusiastic school girl at the sight of his junior competition tearing into each other, and even Billy Hollywood and Lou Hoffman stepping out from the back to watch, Walker and Leche put on a junior heavyweight wrestling clinic, putting their all into beating the other, with Walker putting on his best match yet in his short career, narrowly downing Leche with his Sky Walker 450 splash. I really shouldn’t have to say the effort put forth in the match left Walker and Leche exhausted and vulnerable to a Ninja Express attack, should I? Well, they did, while MIRYOKO invited Billy Hollywood to the confines of the Howdah to try on some blouses.
Paddy Baker and Sean Gabriel, the Celtic Bruisers, made their way to the ring alone once the elephant and its gigantic poo had been removed from the arena. Very angry and very drunk (then again, they pretty much always are) they called out La Cosa Nostra to settle their differences once and for all! It appears that Celtic Bruiser in training Sit Kwok Fu was asked to fetch Baker’s Lincoln Continental from the parking lot and once the ignition was started the fucking engine blew up! Thankfully there was a slight delay between the turn of the key and the car being completely consumed by flame (you know, like Casino), enabling the plucky Korean to escape with his life, but still badly burned. Needless to say, he’ll be out of action for a while, and the Bruisers ain’t happy about it!
Several long minutes and no La Cosa Nostra later, the Bruisers looked ready to hunt them down themselves, until they were interrupted by the man that started this mess in the first place: Paradigm! Owing what is rumored to be a sizable amount of cash to the Italians, Paradigm looked sketched out beyond belief, appearing as if he hasn’t showered in weeks with eyes reddened from lack of sleep. Freaked out, Paradigm begged the Bruisers to protect him, saying he can lead them to their hideout! The Bruisers eyed Paradigm warily but ultimately decided to follow, perhaps figuring even if they were betrayed they could handle the odds. (Besides, you gotta move the story along somehow. Let’s see you do it better, yeah, that’s what I thought, keep stuffing your face funboy.)
And of course, after being led through the bowels of the arena towards a seldom used locker room WAY in the back, they were jumped by La Cosa Nostra AND Paradigm, revealing that the cowardly little punk was never in danger for his life at all, just playing the role of victim to catch the Bruisers off their guard. Little bastard. But it turns out, as it often does, the Bruisers had a bit of an ace up their sleeves as well, an angry rugby player with a lead pipe, Virgil Theunk’s estranged son Gilbert, who had been tailing the Bruisers and now entered the fray to even the odds and get revenge on the man who disgraced his pop’s good name! Hooray!
Much battling took place next, leading all the way back to the arena and even into the ring where yet another conveniently present referee decided to declare this one an actual match! And while the Bruisers and the Italians beat the shit out of each other with punches and elbows Paradigm and Gilbert Theunk squeezed in some actual wrestling, pretty good wresting too, with Paradigm showing off his classicly trained technical side and Gilbert displaying all the skills he learned while being trained by his father, mat wizard Virgil Theunk (RIP) from a young age. Leave it to the heel to cheat to win though, using a brick to the back of the head to set up the win with a cradle piledriver while referee Gen Hirayama struggled to separate the others for the umpteenth time. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this feud is far from over, baby!
Last match of the night featured the upstart Busch Boyz trying to build upon their heinous sneak attack on the members of the Dod family and PTFW. Turns out the PTFW faction was not available, as Martin Fairbairn has decided he is just so big and strong he would be put to better use as a bridge in Northumberland, so the burden of getting even with da Busch Boyz lay squarely on the shoulders of Ronnie Dod and his protégé Aleks Dodstva. Not that they mind, they’re fucking Dods, they live for this shit.
Even with the inexperienced (but he’s getting better!) Dodstva teaming with Ronnie, the Dods were heavily favored to win here, prompting Busch Boyz manager Master P to complain by displaying “Don’t Be A H8ER” signs. If the Vegas bookies pretty much writing off the Busch Boyz weren’t enough, this match had gained some degree of infamy on the internet over the week, being derisively labeled “More Than They Can Chew” in reference to da Boyz monumentally stupid decision to Pearl Harbor some of the meanest bastards in WILD.
What this all leads up to is an even stupider decision by da Boyz to refuse to cheat during this match, despite the protests of Master P and even, surprisingly, most of the audience, some of whom even tried to hand various sundry items to Raz and Duz after they made their “We’s gonna beat these chumps square, fo’ realz yo!” proclamation. And even without da Boyz using the techniques that got them this far they actually hung in for longer than expected, managing to tire out Ronnie and isolating Aleks for some clever double teams late, including an amazing Doomsday Device Double Axe Handle to the face! Somehow Aleks kicked out of this, dropping Raz with a Karelin’s Lift, shocking all by hitting a diving senton from the top rope and then submitting the little guy with a Moscow Stretch, even getting a rare late match save from Ronnie, who prevented Duz from breaking the hold on his partner! Hot damn Ronnie and Aleks might have finally gelled here, folks!
Much glaring between the Dods and Busch’s afterwards, silent show of respect without appearing weak, yada yada yada …
1) Cynthia San Martino ~12:05 Double Count-Out!~ Thunderlips Lachlan
2) Eddie Dahed O/ Vic Rattlehead ~3:26 Disqualification~ OMFG ZOMBIS [Zombi I/ Zombi II X]
3) Hando won a four-way elimination match
Hando ~14:41 Gannosuke Clutch~ Wataru Araya
Hando ~20:03 Tiger Suplex Hold~ AC Slasher
Hando ~21:42 Corner Rebound Rolling Senton~ Matt D
4) Kyle Walker ~16:42 The Sky Walker~ Juan Leche
5) La Cosa Nostra [Rick Briggs/ Ted Zannino] Paradigm O ~25:16 Cradle Piledriver~ The Celtic Bruisers [Paddy Baker/ Sean Gabriel] Gilbert Theunk X
6) Team Dod [Ronnie Dod/ Aleks Dodstva O] ~21:29 Moscow Stretch~ Da Busch Boyz [Raz Busch X/ Duz Busch]
So in the heat of the moment was San Martino that she did not notice Lachlan’s presence for quite some time, but when she did …hoooo boy was she angry! Of course, because this is pro wrestling, this led to a wrestling match rather than the invasion of privacy suit that would logically happen in an instance such as this. But, because I do not ignore the basic laws of physics, Lachlan pretty much had his way with San Martino in this match because he outweighs her by a good forty kilos (fuck you, I’m not doing the conversion).
Lachlan blew his chance at humiliating victory in two very noticeable ways, however. The first was by wearing jean shorts way that were way too tight for any man, showing off just how excited he was to be in such close proximity to a member of the opposite sex, no matter how butch, thus giving away what we already knew all along: he wasn’t really looking for his poodle backstage! (Double gasp!) Secondly, he planted a big wet one on the bruised face of San Martino, giving her just enough of a charge to fight back with a series of headbutts and turnbuckle smashes, spilling the action outside the ring where Lachlan really didn’t put up much of a fight, resulting in a weird double-count out.
Upwards and onwards to match numero dos! Fans in attendance bore witness to one of the odder entrances in WILD history, as an ox-drawn cart bearing two coffins and a cloaked individual of unknown origin at the reins slowly made its way to the ring. And if you think this unorthodox entrance baffled the fans, you should have seen the look on the faces of local jobbers Eddie Dahed and Vic Rattlehead when the coffins opened, revealing Zombis I and II! Clearly, something was different about these MPLL rudos who were practically laughed out of the arena during their last appearance for WILD, so phony and totally not undead their appearance was.
Not so this time, for these two had the look down pat, from the festering wounds strewn with maggots to the eerie groans to the rapid shambling that only the finer Romero zombies can lay claim to; yes, if there is a zombie school anywhere in these fine United States these fellas graduated with honors. Unfortunately they may have been a little too into their schtick, as they took large chunks of flesh from their screaming opponents, resulting in an early disqualification and a mad scramble from WILD security to restore order. Mysterious Cloaked Zombie Master apologized profusely for the behavior of his “wrestlers” once order was restored and put them back in their coffins, promising that this sort of thing will never happen again. Weird, man.
Obligatory junior four-way match designed to get over the fledgling junior division was next on the card, with indie wrestling legend Hando outshining and outlasting opponents Wataru Araya, AC Slasher and Matt D, eliminating all three by himself and immediately establishing himself as some one to watch out for in the WILD junior ranks! Midway through this bout the Valiant Wrestling Alliance’s MIRYOKO (with the VWA six-man tag titles and newly acquired Southeastern Junior Heavyweight Championship in his possession), accompanied by his fashion designer and his bodyguards the Ninja Express, made an appearance on the back of a jewel encrusted Howdah (google it, fucker) saddled elephant. From the safety of this point of view MIRYOKO delighted in the match below, laughing at the action while his fashion designer furiously scribbled in a note pad.
At the conclusion of the bout MIRYOKO’s fashion designer climbed down from his perch and presented Hando with a prize for his efforts: new boots made of material from the boots of Juan Leche and shiny shirt of Kyle Walker, stolen two weeks before by The Ninja Express! Hando politely declined the present, infuriating MIRYOKO, but before he could sic his Ninjas on him Juan Leche and Kyle Walker stormed the ring from opposite sides of the arena to confront the effeminate Japanese supermodel for his actions! Sensing craziness was about to happen, Hando bailed just as Leche grabbed one boot and Walker the other, sending the fashion designed scurrying for cover.
Then, each with mic in hand, Leche and Walker proceeded to talk over one another as they tried to call out MIRYOKO for his dastardly deeds, the whole bit slightly comical at first until it was clear neither man wanted to be upstaged by the other until, finally, young Kyle Walker couldn’t take it anymore, hauling off and nailing Leche in the jaw with a punch! What followed was the best kind of match, the impromptu kind officiated by a conveniently present referee, this one an eagerly anticipated showdown between two men who have been itching to tangle for weeks now!
With a gleeful MIRYOKO clapping along like an enthusiastic school girl at the sight of his junior competition tearing into each other, and even Billy Hollywood and Lou Hoffman stepping out from the back to watch, Walker and Leche put on a junior heavyweight wrestling clinic, putting their all into beating the other, with Walker putting on his best match yet in his short career, narrowly downing Leche with his Sky Walker 450 splash. I really shouldn’t have to say the effort put forth in the match left Walker and Leche exhausted and vulnerable to a Ninja Express attack, should I? Well, they did, while MIRYOKO invited Billy Hollywood to the confines of the Howdah to try on some blouses.
Paddy Baker and Sean Gabriel, the Celtic Bruisers, made their way to the ring alone once the elephant and its gigantic poo had been removed from the arena. Very angry and very drunk (then again, they pretty much always are) they called out La Cosa Nostra to settle their differences once and for all! It appears that Celtic Bruiser in training Sit Kwok Fu was asked to fetch Baker’s Lincoln Continental from the parking lot and once the ignition was started the fucking engine blew up! Thankfully there was a slight delay between the turn of the key and the car being completely consumed by flame (you know, like Casino), enabling the plucky Korean to escape with his life, but still badly burned. Needless to say, he’ll be out of action for a while, and the Bruisers ain’t happy about it!
Several long minutes and no La Cosa Nostra later, the Bruisers looked ready to hunt them down themselves, until they were interrupted by the man that started this mess in the first place: Paradigm! Owing what is rumored to be a sizable amount of cash to the Italians, Paradigm looked sketched out beyond belief, appearing as if he hasn’t showered in weeks with eyes reddened from lack of sleep. Freaked out, Paradigm begged the Bruisers to protect him, saying he can lead them to their hideout! The Bruisers eyed Paradigm warily but ultimately decided to follow, perhaps figuring even if they were betrayed they could handle the odds. (Besides, you gotta move the story along somehow. Let’s see you do it better, yeah, that’s what I thought, keep stuffing your face funboy.)
And of course, after being led through the bowels of the arena towards a seldom used locker room WAY in the back, they were jumped by La Cosa Nostra AND Paradigm, revealing that the cowardly little punk was never in danger for his life at all, just playing the role of victim to catch the Bruisers off their guard. Little bastard. But it turns out, as it often does, the Bruisers had a bit of an ace up their sleeves as well, an angry rugby player with a lead pipe, Virgil Theunk’s estranged son Gilbert, who had been tailing the Bruisers and now entered the fray to even the odds and get revenge on the man who disgraced his pop’s good name! Hooray!
Much battling took place next, leading all the way back to the arena and even into the ring where yet another conveniently present referee decided to declare this one an actual match! And while the Bruisers and the Italians beat the shit out of each other with punches and elbows Paradigm and Gilbert Theunk squeezed in some actual wrestling, pretty good wresting too, with Paradigm showing off his classicly trained technical side and Gilbert displaying all the skills he learned while being trained by his father, mat wizard Virgil Theunk (RIP) from a young age. Leave it to the heel to cheat to win though, using a brick to the back of the head to set up the win with a cradle piledriver while referee Gen Hirayama struggled to separate the others for the umpteenth time. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this feud is far from over, baby!
Last match of the night featured the upstart Busch Boyz trying to build upon their heinous sneak attack on the members of the Dod family and PTFW. Turns out the PTFW faction was not available, as Martin Fairbairn has decided he is just so big and strong he would be put to better use as a bridge in Northumberland, so the burden of getting even with da Busch Boyz lay squarely on the shoulders of Ronnie Dod and his protégé Aleks Dodstva. Not that they mind, they’re fucking Dods, they live for this shit.
Even with the inexperienced (but he’s getting better!) Dodstva teaming with Ronnie, the Dods were heavily favored to win here, prompting Busch Boyz manager Master P to complain by displaying “Don’t Be A H8ER” signs. If the Vegas bookies pretty much writing off the Busch Boyz weren’t enough, this match had gained some degree of infamy on the internet over the week, being derisively labeled “More Than They Can Chew” in reference to da Boyz monumentally stupid decision to Pearl Harbor some of the meanest bastards in WILD.
What this all leads up to is an even stupider decision by da Boyz to refuse to cheat during this match, despite the protests of Master P and even, surprisingly, most of the audience, some of whom even tried to hand various sundry items to Raz and Duz after they made their “We’s gonna beat these chumps square, fo’ realz yo!” proclamation. And even without da Boyz using the techniques that got them this far they actually hung in for longer than expected, managing to tire out Ronnie and isolating Aleks for some clever double teams late, including an amazing Doomsday Device Double Axe Handle to the face! Somehow Aleks kicked out of this, dropping Raz with a Karelin’s Lift, shocking all by hitting a diving senton from the top rope and then submitting the little guy with a Moscow Stretch, even getting a rare late match save from Ronnie, who prevented Duz from breaking the hold on his partner! Hot damn Ronnie and Aleks might have finally gelled here, folks!
Much glaring between the Dods and Busch’s afterwards, silent show of respect without appearing weak, yada yada yada …
1) Cynthia San Martino ~12:05 Double Count-Out!~ Thunderlips Lachlan
2) Eddie Dahed O/ Vic Rattlehead ~3:26 Disqualification~ OMFG ZOMBIS [Zombi I/ Zombi II X]
3) Hando won a four-way elimination match
Hando ~14:41 Gannosuke Clutch~ Wataru Araya
Hando ~20:03 Tiger Suplex Hold~ AC Slasher
Hando ~21:42 Corner Rebound Rolling Senton~ Matt D
4) Kyle Walker ~16:42 The Sky Walker~ Juan Leche
5) La Cosa Nostra [Rick Briggs/ Ted Zannino] Paradigm O ~25:16 Cradle Piledriver~ The Celtic Bruisers [Paddy Baker/ Sean Gabriel] Gilbert Theunk X
6) Team Dod [Ronnie Dod/ Aleks Dodstva O] ~21:29 Moscow Stretch~ Da Busch Boyz [Raz Busch X/ Duz Busch]
10.27.2007
WILD Saturday Night #5
Rumors of a re-tooled junior heavyweight division have begun to attract the interest of talent from across the industry, with Fusion Dojo’s Kikkoman being the latest to step up to prove his worth. He took on shifty Chicano 50 Centavos in the first match of the night, a blistering paced affair that really showed off what juniors are capable of. 50 Centavos wound up getting worn out by the faster Kikkoman, having to resort to groin shots and chokes in an attempt to keep pace, but this strategy only served to anger the soy sauce themed dynamo, resulting in a torrent of lariats, sleeper drops and northern lights suplexes that put him away.
Scant moments after Kikkoman triumphantly left the ring and headed for the back his progress was halted by none other than the effeminate one: MIRYOKO! Blaring techno music and androgynous female models covered in glitter (think “Simply Irresistible”) tossing streamers about accompanied his entrance, making for a scene that would (and did) make any red blooded rasslin’ fan angrier than a barrel of hornets falling off Niagara Falls. Amidst the cascade of fan-thrown garbage MIRYOKO, through an interpreter, chastised WILD for its poor record keeping, deriding the board of directors for not knowing who the WILD Junior Heavyweight Champion is. But MIRYOKO’s solution to this was simple; award HIM the title so he can lead Pro Wrestling WILD into a golden age of high fashion and elegant violence.
Enter Juan Leche and Kyle Walker, even angrier than a barrel of hornets falling off Niagara Falls. In the past few weeks both men have been shown up by MIRYOKO but their appearance here suggested they were not ready to see WILD’s juniors ruled by this … fag, can I say fag? I’ll say fag. Problem is Leche and Walker are engaged in a bit of a friendly rivalry of their own, so instead of presenting a unified front they spent precious moments trying to decide just who would speak on the behalf of Pro Wrestling WILD. Precious moments that were put to great use by MIRYOKO’s bodyguards, the lurking Ninja Express! Mua ha ha.
But Walker, having seen this tactic used the week before at a VWA Lite show, thought quick on his feet, refusing to engage the Ninjas in what would have amounted to a street fight, instead retreating to the other side of the ring (and suggesting Leche do the same), grabbing a mic and demanding satisfaction in an officially sanctioned match! The fans roared their approval and a member of the WILD booking committee, conveniently sitting in the front row, ordered a tag match to take place right then and there! Hooray for coincidences!
Clearly still not confident of his young partner’s abilities, Leche wound up doing most of the work in this one while Walker – having faced the Ninjas many times in his young career – shouted out warnings from the corner. Somehow this worked for them, leading to a Juan Leche win via Leche Splash despite the usual Ninja trickery. However, even in victory, Leche and Walker found something to argue about, resulting in them getting Pearl Harbored by MIRYOKO and the Ninjas anyways, who, after the swift beating, claimed the boots of Leche and the shiny shirt of Walker as trophies.
The team of Wild Bill and El Justiciero returned this week, now wishing to be known as The Lawgivers. They took the time before the next match to install security cameras around the ring, a smart move given the tendencies of their opponents: Da Busch Boyz! This precaution actually prevented cheating for the most part, resulting in what almost became the first clean match ever wrestled by Da Boyz o’ Busch, that is until their manager Master P “just happened” to walk in front of one camera with a large sign that said “Number 3 Ain’t Good ‘Nuff 4 Me!” (Referring, we presume, to da Busch Boyz low spot on the card) This enabled Duz Busch to nail El Justiciero, enabling bro Raz to get the win via backdrop hold.
People ask why Bret Stillman, he of the antiquated move set and two match losing streak, keeps getting booked on Saturday Night. The answer is simple: this kid is super talented TNT just waiting to detonate! Despite another loss this week, this time to the America hating Ayatollah Ali Jihad (who, we’d like to point out, still cashes his checks here), Stillman looked great, improving as usual while damn near pulling this one out. Jihad was in rough shape when all was said and done, limping after taking tons of knee damage and bruised all over after trying to take the fight outside, only to see Stillman out-brawl him there! He finally had to resort to a kick to the gut with his loaded, pointy boot, setting up the win with his Persian Crab maneuver, after which he beat feet to get as far away from Stillman as possible!
With another win, their second in a row, this time over MPLL’s Pedro Guterez and Jay Gold, the Spunk Pro team of Ken Shields and Tomohiro Ito is beginning to turn some heads in Pro Wrestling WILD. But some of this newfound attention may wind up being undesirable, especially in the case of Da Busch Boyz, who took it upon themselves to make another appearance mid-match as part of their “Petition for Recognition” thing. The distraction very nearly caused Shields and Ito to lose, leading to a near altercation after the match that was stopped by WILD security, finally earning their pay after what happened earlier in the night.
A short time later La Cosa Nostra, sans Paradigm, called out Paddy Baker from the center of the ring, saying the grumpy Irish tough had to be made accountable for some rather sizable gambling debts. Baker made his way out accompanied by Sit Kwok Fu and laughed off the demands, asking where their “boss” was (referring to Paradigm). Raymond Bianco Jr. said Paradigm had merely contracted La Cosa Nostra to provide him a service, a service which was to be paid with monies earned by beating the spread against Baker last week. Since Baker won, said monies were not paid and, therefore, Baker was to be held responsible.
When Baker queried once again as to the whereabouts of Paradigm, Bianco just laughed and said he was out shoe shopping. Could he mean … nah, that’s just too evil!
Baker refused to pay shit, saying he worked way too hard for his money to pay for the mistakes of some ignorant whelp, telling Bianco his thugs would have to beat the cash out of him. Bianco’s response was both chilling and expected: “That can be arranged …”
Cue impromptu tag team action, with Baker and Kwok Fu taking on the debuting Rick Briggs and Ted Zannino of La Cosa Nostra! The match was exactly what you might expect, with Briggs and Zannino making up for their wrestling skill with concrete like punches that swelled up the faces of their opponents like rotten sausages. Amazingly, despite the punishment, the Celtic Bruisers persevered, with Kwok Fu in particular showing just how far he has come since tagging with Baker and Gabriel. Baker himself, continuing to astound despite his age, pulled victory from the jaws of defeat with an inverted piledriver on Zannino in the middle of a confusing melee. Paddy and Sit beat a hasty retreat while Bianco yelled at his boys, and you just know this war is far from over …
Main event time, with Martin Fairbairn seeking revenge against Ronnie Dod for the role he played in last week’s demolition of Park Young Tae. This was just a fucking street fight from the word go as Martin sought to beat the apology he would never otherwise get from the corpulent Ron Kwan Do master. All seconds had been barred from ringside, which makes sense given both the nature of this burgeoning feud AND the nature of the factions to which they belong, but someone forgot to exclude Da Busch Boyz (really, them again?) and entourage, who came to the ring through the crowd doin’ their petition for recognition thang.
This turned out to be a ruse, showing they have balls the size of small moons, jumping Dod and Fairbairn in the middle of their match, stomping away at them with steel toed Timberlands and Fungo bats! The attack was swift, with Master P declaring Da Busch Boyz as “Da Big Dawgs in da Yard” over and over again on a cell phone that was somehow piped through the arena’s PA system. And then, just as swift as it had begun Da Boyz took off from where they came, just avoiding certain retribution at the hands of whatever Dods and PTFW members had been witness to the attack from the backstage monitors.
Something tells me Da Busch Boyz are going to regret this …
1) Kikkoman ~16:02 Sleeper Drop~ 50 Centavos
2) Juan Leche O/ Kyle Walker ~22:18 Leche Splash~ Ninja Express [Ninja I/ Ninja II X]
3) Da Busch Boyz [Raz Busch O/ Duz Busch] ~19:49 Backdrop Hold~ The Lawgivers [Wild Bill/ El Justiciero X]
4) Ayatollah Ali Jihad ~21:54 Persian Crab~ Bret Stillman
5) Ken Shields/ Tomohiro Ito O ~21:29 German Suplex Hold~ Pedro Guterez X/ Jay Gold
6) Celtic Bruisers [Paddy Baker O/ Sit Kwok Fu] ~26:28 Inverted Piledriver~ La Cosa Nostra [Rick Briggs/ Ted Zannino X]
7) Martin Fairbairn ~12:06 No Contest!~ Ronnie Dod
Scant moments after Kikkoman triumphantly left the ring and headed for the back his progress was halted by none other than the effeminate one: MIRYOKO! Blaring techno music and androgynous female models covered in glitter (think “Simply Irresistible”) tossing streamers about accompanied his entrance, making for a scene that would (and did) make any red blooded rasslin’ fan angrier than a barrel of hornets falling off Niagara Falls. Amidst the cascade of fan-thrown garbage MIRYOKO, through an interpreter, chastised WILD for its poor record keeping, deriding the board of directors for not knowing who the WILD Junior Heavyweight Champion is. But MIRYOKO’s solution to this was simple; award HIM the title so he can lead Pro Wrestling WILD into a golden age of high fashion and elegant violence.
Enter Juan Leche and Kyle Walker, even angrier than a barrel of hornets falling off Niagara Falls. In the past few weeks both men have been shown up by MIRYOKO but their appearance here suggested they were not ready to see WILD’s juniors ruled by this … fag, can I say fag? I’ll say fag. Problem is Leche and Walker are engaged in a bit of a friendly rivalry of their own, so instead of presenting a unified front they spent precious moments trying to decide just who would speak on the behalf of Pro Wrestling WILD. Precious moments that were put to great use by MIRYOKO’s bodyguards, the lurking Ninja Express! Mua ha ha.
But Walker, having seen this tactic used the week before at a VWA Lite show, thought quick on his feet, refusing to engage the Ninjas in what would have amounted to a street fight, instead retreating to the other side of the ring (and suggesting Leche do the same), grabbing a mic and demanding satisfaction in an officially sanctioned match! The fans roared their approval and a member of the WILD booking committee, conveniently sitting in the front row, ordered a tag match to take place right then and there! Hooray for coincidences!
Clearly still not confident of his young partner’s abilities, Leche wound up doing most of the work in this one while Walker – having faced the Ninjas many times in his young career – shouted out warnings from the corner. Somehow this worked for them, leading to a Juan Leche win via Leche Splash despite the usual Ninja trickery. However, even in victory, Leche and Walker found something to argue about, resulting in them getting Pearl Harbored by MIRYOKO and the Ninjas anyways, who, after the swift beating, claimed the boots of Leche and the shiny shirt of Walker as trophies.
The team of Wild Bill and El Justiciero returned this week, now wishing to be known as The Lawgivers. They took the time before the next match to install security cameras around the ring, a smart move given the tendencies of their opponents: Da Busch Boyz! This precaution actually prevented cheating for the most part, resulting in what almost became the first clean match ever wrestled by Da Boyz o’ Busch, that is until their manager Master P “just happened” to walk in front of one camera with a large sign that said “Number 3 Ain’t Good ‘Nuff 4 Me!” (Referring, we presume, to da Busch Boyz low spot on the card) This enabled Duz Busch to nail El Justiciero, enabling bro Raz to get the win via backdrop hold.
People ask why Bret Stillman, he of the antiquated move set and two match losing streak, keeps getting booked on Saturday Night. The answer is simple: this kid is super talented TNT just waiting to detonate! Despite another loss this week, this time to the America hating Ayatollah Ali Jihad (who, we’d like to point out, still cashes his checks here), Stillman looked great, improving as usual while damn near pulling this one out. Jihad was in rough shape when all was said and done, limping after taking tons of knee damage and bruised all over after trying to take the fight outside, only to see Stillman out-brawl him there! He finally had to resort to a kick to the gut with his loaded, pointy boot, setting up the win with his Persian Crab maneuver, after which he beat feet to get as far away from Stillman as possible!
With another win, their second in a row, this time over MPLL’s Pedro Guterez and Jay Gold, the Spunk Pro team of Ken Shields and Tomohiro Ito is beginning to turn some heads in Pro Wrestling WILD. But some of this newfound attention may wind up being undesirable, especially in the case of Da Busch Boyz, who took it upon themselves to make another appearance mid-match as part of their “Petition for Recognition” thing. The distraction very nearly caused Shields and Ito to lose, leading to a near altercation after the match that was stopped by WILD security, finally earning their pay after what happened earlier in the night.
A short time later La Cosa Nostra, sans Paradigm, called out Paddy Baker from the center of the ring, saying the grumpy Irish tough had to be made accountable for some rather sizable gambling debts. Baker made his way out accompanied by Sit Kwok Fu and laughed off the demands, asking where their “boss” was (referring to Paradigm). Raymond Bianco Jr. said Paradigm had merely contracted La Cosa Nostra to provide him a service, a service which was to be paid with monies earned by beating the spread against Baker last week. Since Baker won, said monies were not paid and, therefore, Baker was to be held responsible.
When Baker queried once again as to the whereabouts of Paradigm, Bianco just laughed and said he was out shoe shopping. Could he mean … nah, that’s just too evil!
Baker refused to pay shit, saying he worked way too hard for his money to pay for the mistakes of some ignorant whelp, telling Bianco his thugs would have to beat the cash out of him. Bianco’s response was both chilling and expected: “That can be arranged …”
Cue impromptu tag team action, with Baker and Kwok Fu taking on the debuting Rick Briggs and Ted Zannino of La Cosa Nostra! The match was exactly what you might expect, with Briggs and Zannino making up for their wrestling skill with concrete like punches that swelled up the faces of their opponents like rotten sausages. Amazingly, despite the punishment, the Celtic Bruisers persevered, with Kwok Fu in particular showing just how far he has come since tagging with Baker and Gabriel. Baker himself, continuing to astound despite his age, pulled victory from the jaws of defeat with an inverted piledriver on Zannino in the middle of a confusing melee. Paddy and Sit beat a hasty retreat while Bianco yelled at his boys, and you just know this war is far from over …
Main event time, with Martin Fairbairn seeking revenge against Ronnie Dod for the role he played in last week’s demolition of Park Young Tae. This was just a fucking street fight from the word go as Martin sought to beat the apology he would never otherwise get from the corpulent Ron Kwan Do master. All seconds had been barred from ringside, which makes sense given both the nature of this burgeoning feud AND the nature of the factions to which they belong, but someone forgot to exclude Da Busch Boyz (really, them again?) and entourage, who came to the ring through the crowd doin’ their petition for recognition thang.
This turned out to be a ruse, showing they have balls the size of small moons, jumping Dod and Fairbairn in the middle of their match, stomping away at them with steel toed Timberlands and Fungo bats! The attack was swift, with Master P declaring Da Busch Boyz as “Da Big Dawgs in da Yard” over and over again on a cell phone that was somehow piped through the arena’s PA system. And then, just as swift as it had begun Da Boyz took off from where they came, just avoiding certain retribution at the hands of whatever Dods and PTFW members had been witness to the attack from the backstage monitors.
Something tells me Da Busch Boyz are going to regret this …
1) Kikkoman ~16:02 Sleeper Drop~ 50 Centavos
2) Juan Leche O/ Kyle Walker ~22:18 Leche Splash~ Ninja Express [Ninja I/ Ninja II X]
3) Da Busch Boyz [Raz Busch O/ Duz Busch] ~19:49 Backdrop Hold~ The Lawgivers [Wild Bill/ El Justiciero X]
4) Ayatollah Ali Jihad ~21:54 Persian Crab~ Bret Stillman
5) Ken Shields/ Tomohiro Ito O ~21:29 German Suplex Hold~ Pedro Guterez X/ Jay Gold
6) Celtic Bruisers [Paddy Baker O/ Sit Kwok Fu] ~26:28 Inverted Piledriver~ La Cosa Nostra [Rick Briggs/ Ted Zannino X]
7) Martin Fairbairn ~12:06 No Contest!~ Ronnie Dod
10.20.2007
WILD Saturday Night #4
Well here we are at the four week mark of WILD Saturday Night, a landmark in time that, if you and I - my cherished readers - were a young couple sowing the seeds of a fledgling relationship, might be cause for some kind of tender celebration involving rose petals, truffles and malt liquor. But since we’re not you’ll just have to acknowledge this milestone with an “Hmmmm, so he’s still doing this shit, eh?”
On to the first match: a six-man tag featuring The Fabulous Flying Llamas and MPLL’s Los Diablos Del Satan. This was a rudo vs. rudo affair judging by the way both teams behaved (wanton disregard for the rules, you know the drill) but the MPLL team appeared to be many more rudo, having lied about the weights of two of their members! El Demonio and son were billed as juniors, getting them booked in this all-junior tag encounter, but were clearly not, practically busting the seams out of their ill-fitting evil suits. And, being of the rudo persuasion, they used this size advantage to great effect, singling out the smallest Llama throughout the match until dispatching him with a choke slam.
Next up Cynthia San Martino took on Azumi Oonishi in what started as a unique clash of styles but ended up a total rout, as San Martino mauled her more technically inclined opponent. But even in victory San Martino wasn’t happy, throttling poor Oonishi for having the temerity to resist what was, in her mind, supposed to have been payback for Oonishi’s supposed failure to support San Martino in tag action the week before! Why the nerve of that kid, daring to resist domination at the hands of a piggish fascist!
Spunk Pro members Ken Shields and Tomohiro Ito were back this week, this time in tag action against the completely random pairing of Jimmy Cliff and Angolan Capoeira Ace Rodrigo Jorge. Cliff was very unhappy about the booking and was sullen from the start, but only grew more upset as Jorge completely hogged the spotlight, putting on what amounted to a Capoeira exhibition while kicking the crap out of Shields and Ito. This resulted in Cliff half-heartedly participating from there on out, doing absolutely nothing to stop the Ito/ Shields double teams against Jorge that ultimately turned the tide and won the match for, errr Team Spunk Pro.
Moving right along, the jamz were off the chain, yo, as the newly blinged Busch Boyz made a dope entrance accompanied by new manager Master P. Yes, that Master P, and with him was a bevy of big booty biatches crunkin along to the phat … phatness. Once the bass from the entrance music stopped ripping holes in the very fabric of space and time da Busch Boyz had themselves a match against Bret Stillman and Sonny Siguri while Master P and the rest of the gang asked people at ringside to sign the “Petition for Recognition”.
It seems the … excuse me, DA Boyz feel that, “affer jackin’ dat mongloid busta”, they are in line for some tag team accolades and will gather up enough signatures to prove the fans think the same. Never mind that, aside from general thuggery, da Boyz need serious work on their ring skills, evidenced with their inability to put away their opponents this week until Duz blew what appeared to be a large amount of white powder Master P later insisted was NOT yay into the eyes of Bret Stillman, enabling Raz to finish him off with a big body bomb.
But the celebration did not end there, with da Boyz procuring some more signatures through less than admirable means while P waved a huge “Petition for Recognition” sign over his head, that is until Ronnie Dod and protégé Aleks Dodstva made their way to the ring for the next bout. Apparently in a sour mood, Dodstva took one look at the sign and tore it up, almost sparking a fight between the Dods and da Boyz! Master P was able to hold his clients back with the promise of Cristal and catastrophe was avoided, at least for this week!
With that nonsense out of the way the next match was able to happen, a bit of a rematch from the week before, with Aleks Dodstva looking to get revenge for having been pinned by PTFW’s Park Young Tae. And revenge he got, hammering around the much smaller Young Tae with ease, prompting corner man Ronnie to steal someone’s sign and write “DODS RULE” on the back of it. But once again poor conditioning played a factor, as Young Tae was able to outlast the pummeling and mount a counter-attack on the now winded Dodstva.
Desperate for a break, Dodstva used up whatever reserves he had to toss Young Tae over the top rope, landing him in a heap at the feet of Ronnie Dod. Aleks then distracted referee Martin Roeg by assaulting him with his thick Russian accent, confusing him to the point that he didn’t even notice the beating Ronnie was giving to Young Tae outside! By the time Roeg administered the twenty count it was too late, the spunky Korean kid now beaten unconscious at the hands of a certified Ron Kwan Do master.
Of course you would think Dodstva would have been pleased to have his arm raised in victory, but he wasn’t, screaming to Ronnie that he was supposed to have rolled Park back in the ring! Ronnie screamed back something about Aleks not being ready yet, honestly it was hard to tell with them yelling over one another, and the entire interchange left them wide open to a sneak attack by a chair-wielding Jimmy Cliff. Kind of late to the party but hey, better late than never, right?
VWA enigma MIRYOKO, the bizarre male model who refuses to wrestle without a face mask and only strikes with an open hand so as not to break a nail, made his second straight WILD Saturday Night appearance next, prancing about in the center of the ring. A ringside MC announced the action, taking time to focus on the centerpiece of MIRYOKO’s outfit: the VWA Six-Man Tag Team Championship. This impromptu fashion show drove the fans nuts and something had to be done if they were going to stick around for the main event.
Answering the call was Kyle Walker, who has had considerable experience against MIRYOKO. He stepped from the back and appeared ready to decry the actions of MIRYOKO until from behind him stepped Juan Leche! Leche grabbed the mic from out of Walker’s hand and patted him on the head, telling him more OVERALL experience was needed to thwart this invader, before dashing to the ring. Kyle stood dumbstruck at what happened and then left for the back, shaking his head in disbelief …
Well it turns out Leche didn’t have what it takes to down MIRYOKO either, despite giving his all in what turned out to be one of the best juniors matches seen in WILD in a long time. Despite losing, Leche showed why he is one of the best in the business, scoring several near falls before ultimately falling to a nasty combination of a reverse throw into a gokuraku gatame, a move MIRYOKO calls the Tight Fit. There was much applause for both men after the match, which MIRYOKO mistakenly believed was all for him, posing while the MC put him over as the next WILD Junior Heavyweight Champ.
Thank god for Juan Leche and his dropckick, particularly the one he planted in the back of MIRYOKO, knocking him over the top rope and sparing the fans what was sure to be many agonizing moments of male modeling. The near debacle post match does raise a pretty interesting question though: who in the hell IS the WILD Junior Heavyweight Champ and how squeamish is he about fighting an androgynous freak?
After Paradigm narrowly averted having his head shaved last week by The Celtic Bruisers, thanks to the interference of the track suit clad Italians - since identified as La Cosa Nostra (Rick Briggs, Ted Zannino and capo Raymond Bianco Jr.) - the bookers of Pro Wrestling WILD had no choice but to try to end this rapidly escalating feud as quickly as possible. Their solution, a lumberjack match pitting Paradigm against Paddy Baker, probably won’t achieve this goal but it sure was entertaining!
What could have been a cluster fuck of epic proportions wound up being one of the best matches seen in the short history of WILD Saturday Night, and a large part of that is due to the outstanding officiating of referee Martin Roeg. Somehow this man, who better resembles a truck driving bowler than a ref, was able to catch several infractions on both sides of the ball, preventing both the Bruisers (Gabriel, Kwok Fu and honorary Bruiser The Masked Grappler, most likely present due to taking offense to Paradigm’s crusade to end all things old) and La Cosa Nostra from interfering. At one point he even dragged Paradigm, recently tossed outside into Baker’s corner, out of the arms of the Grappler and Kwok Fu!
The action in the ring all came down to the strengths of the participants; the athleticism of Paradigm vs. the grit and determination of Baker. In the end, stubborn resolve won out, even though it appeared Paradigm had the match won. After nailing a prone Baker in the back with a frog splash he went for what appeared to be a sickle hold, only to get kicked right in the mouth by Baker, a move that appeared to be more instinct than anything else. Paradigm spat out a mouthful of blood, and a tooth along with it, taking precious seconds to probe his mouth to see which one of his chompers was missing. This gave Baker just enough time to close in, moving much faster than you would expect for a middle-aged alcoholic, surprising Paradigm with the inverted piledriver that won the match.
Paradigm cried foul after the match, saying it should have been stopped due to excessive bleeding, pointing to his bloody maw. He then ordered La Cosa Nostra to advance on the Bruisers, who were by now helping an exhausted Baker to the back, nursing him to health along the way with shots of Bushmills. But advance they did not, instead entering the ring to begin dialogue with Paradigm. With Zannino and Briggs flanking him Capo Bianco Jr. calmly spoke, but his voice was so low he could not be heard! Thankfully a few fans said later that Paradigm’s end of the conversation was audible, shedding some much needed light on the entire interchange. It seems Paradigm profusely apologized for the loss and promised a much bigger gate next week! Oh man, what has this young superstar gotten himself into?
1) Los Diablos Del Satan [El Demonio/ El Hijo del Demonio O/ Super DEVIL Mask] ~17:23 Golpe del Infierno~ The Fabulous Flying Llamas [Bobby Llamas/ Lorenzo Llamas/ Llamas Jr. X]
2) Cynthia San Martino ~9:39 Vader Hammers~ Azumi Oonishi
3) Ken Shields/ Tomohiro Ito O ~29:20 Johnny Spike~ Jimmy Cliff/ Rodrigo Jorge X
4) Da Busch Boyz [Raz Busch O/ Duz Busch] ~20:25 Big Body Bomb~ Bret Stillman X/ Sonny Siguri
5) Aleks Dodstva ~14:04 Count-Out!~ Park Young Tae
6) MIRYOKO ~15:58 Tight Fit~ Juan Leche
7) Paddy Baker ~24:38 Inverted Piledriver~ Paradigm
On to the first match: a six-man tag featuring The Fabulous Flying Llamas and MPLL’s Los Diablos Del Satan. This was a rudo vs. rudo affair judging by the way both teams behaved (wanton disregard for the rules, you know the drill) but the MPLL team appeared to be many more rudo, having lied about the weights of two of their members! El Demonio and son were billed as juniors, getting them booked in this all-junior tag encounter, but were clearly not, practically busting the seams out of their ill-fitting evil suits. And, being of the rudo persuasion, they used this size advantage to great effect, singling out the smallest Llama throughout the match until dispatching him with a choke slam.
Next up Cynthia San Martino took on Azumi Oonishi in what started as a unique clash of styles but ended up a total rout, as San Martino mauled her more technically inclined opponent. But even in victory San Martino wasn’t happy, throttling poor Oonishi for having the temerity to resist what was, in her mind, supposed to have been payback for Oonishi’s supposed failure to support San Martino in tag action the week before! Why the nerve of that kid, daring to resist domination at the hands of a piggish fascist!
Spunk Pro members Ken Shields and Tomohiro Ito were back this week, this time in tag action against the completely random pairing of Jimmy Cliff and Angolan Capoeira Ace Rodrigo Jorge. Cliff was very unhappy about the booking and was sullen from the start, but only grew more upset as Jorge completely hogged the spotlight, putting on what amounted to a Capoeira exhibition while kicking the crap out of Shields and Ito. This resulted in Cliff half-heartedly participating from there on out, doing absolutely nothing to stop the Ito/ Shields double teams against Jorge that ultimately turned the tide and won the match for, errr Team Spunk Pro.
Moving right along, the jamz were off the chain, yo, as the newly blinged Busch Boyz made a dope entrance accompanied by new manager Master P. Yes, that Master P, and with him was a bevy of big booty biatches crunkin along to the phat … phatness. Once the bass from the entrance music stopped ripping holes in the very fabric of space and time da Busch Boyz had themselves a match against Bret Stillman and Sonny Siguri while Master P and the rest of the gang asked people at ringside to sign the “Petition for Recognition”.
It seems the … excuse me, DA Boyz feel that, “affer jackin’ dat mongloid busta”, they are in line for some tag team accolades and will gather up enough signatures to prove the fans think the same. Never mind that, aside from general thuggery, da Boyz need serious work on their ring skills, evidenced with their inability to put away their opponents this week until Duz blew what appeared to be a large amount of white powder Master P later insisted was NOT yay into the eyes of Bret Stillman, enabling Raz to finish him off with a big body bomb.
But the celebration did not end there, with da Boyz procuring some more signatures through less than admirable means while P waved a huge “Petition for Recognition” sign over his head, that is until Ronnie Dod and protégé Aleks Dodstva made their way to the ring for the next bout. Apparently in a sour mood, Dodstva took one look at the sign and tore it up, almost sparking a fight between the Dods and da Boyz! Master P was able to hold his clients back with the promise of Cristal and catastrophe was avoided, at least for this week!
With that nonsense out of the way the next match was able to happen, a bit of a rematch from the week before, with Aleks Dodstva looking to get revenge for having been pinned by PTFW’s Park Young Tae. And revenge he got, hammering around the much smaller Young Tae with ease, prompting corner man Ronnie to steal someone’s sign and write “DODS RULE” on the back of it. But once again poor conditioning played a factor, as Young Tae was able to outlast the pummeling and mount a counter-attack on the now winded Dodstva.
Desperate for a break, Dodstva used up whatever reserves he had to toss Young Tae over the top rope, landing him in a heap at the feet of Ronnie Dod. Aleks then distracted referee Martin Roeg by assaulting him with his thick Russian accent, confusing him to the point that he didn’t even notice the beating Ronnie was giving to Young Tae outside! By the time Roeg administered the twenty count it was too late, the spunky Korean kid now beaten unconscious at the hands of a certified Ron Kwan Do master.
Of course you would think Dodstva would have been pleased to have his arm raised in victory, but he wasn’t, screaming to Ronnie that he was supposed to have rolled Park back in the ring! Ronnie screamed back something about Aleks not being ready yet, honestly it was hard to tell with them yelling over one another, and the entire interchange left them wide open to a sneak attack by a chair-wielding Jimmy Cliff. Kind of late to the party but hey, better late than never, right?
VWA enigma MIRYOKO, the bizarre male model who refuses to wrestle without a face mask and only strikes with an open hand so as not to break a nail, made his second straight WILD Saturday Night appearance next, prancing about in the center of the ring. A ringside MC announced the action, taking time to focus on the centerpiece of MIRYOKO’s outfit: the VWA Six-Man Tag Team Championship. This impromptu fashion show drove the fans nuts and something had to be done if they were going to stick around for the main event.
Answering the call was Kyle Walker, who has had considerable experience against MIRYOKO. He stepped from the back and appeared ready to decry the actions of MIRYOKO until from behind him stepped Juan Leche! Leche grabbed the mic from out of Walker’s hand and patted him on the head, telling him more OVERALL experience was needed to thwart this invader, before dashing to the ring. Kyle stood dumbstruck at what happened and then left for the back, shaking his head in disbelief …
Well it turns out Leche didn’t have what it takes to down MIRYOKO either, despite giving his all in what turned out to be one of the best juniors matches seen in WILD in a long time. Despite losing, Leche showed why he is one of the best in the business, scoring several near falls before ultimately falling to a nasty combination of a reverse throw into a gokuraku gatame, a move MIRYOKO calls the Tight Fit. There was much applause for both men after the match, which MIRYOKO mistakenly believed was all for him, posing while the MC put him over as the next WILD Junior Heavyweight Champ.
Thank god for Juan Leche and his dropckick, particularly the one he planted in the back of MIRYOKO, knocking him over the top rope and sparing the fans what was sure to be many agonizing moments of male modeling. The near debacle post match does raise a pretty interesting question though: who in the hell IS the WILD Junior Heavyweight Champ and how squeamish is he about fighting an androgynous freak?
After Paradigm narrowly averted having his head shaved last week by The Celtic Bruisers, thanks to the interference of the track suit clad Italians - since identified as La Cosa Nostra (Rick Briggs, Ted Zannino and capo Raymond Bianco Jr.) - the bookers of Pro Wrestling WILD had no choice but to try to end this rapidly escalating feud as quickly as possible. Their solution, a lumberjack match pitting Paradigm against Paddy Baker, probably won’t achieve this goal but it sure was entertaining!
What could have been a cluster fuck of epic proportions wound up being one of the best matches seen in the short history of WILD Saturday Night, and a large part of that is due to the outstanding officiating of referee Martin Roeg. Somehow this man, who better resembles a truck driving bowler than a ref, was able to catch several infractions on both sides of the ball, preventing both the Bruisers (Gabriel, Kwok Fu and honorary Bruiser The Masked Grappler, most likely present due to taking offense to Paradigm’s crusade to end all things old) and La Cosa Nostra from interfering. At one point he even dragged Paradigm, recently tossed outside into Baker’s corner, out of the arms of the Grappler and Kwok Fu!
The action in the ring all came down to the strengths of the participants; the athleticism of Paradigm vs. the grit and determination of Baker. In the end, stubborn resolve won out, even though it appeared Paradigm had the match won. After nailing a prone Baker in the back with a frog splash he went for what appeared to be a sickle hold, only to get kicked right in the mouth by Baker, a move that appeared to be more instinct than anything else. Paradigm spat out a mouthful of blood, and a tooth along with it, taking precious seconds to probe his mouth to see which one of his chompers was missing. This gave Baker just enough time to close in, moving much faster than you would expect for a middle-aged alcoholic, surprising Paradigm with the inverted piledriver that won the match.
Paradigm cried foul after the match, saying it should have been stopped due to excessive bleeding, pointing to his bloody maw. He then ordered La Cosa Nostra to advance on the Bruisers, who were by now helping an exhausted Baker to the back, nursing him to health along the way with shots of Bushmills. But advance they did not, instead entering the ring to begin dialogue with Paradigm. With Zannino and Briggs flanking him Capo Bianco Jr. calmly spoke, but his voice was so low he could not be heard! Thankfully a few fans said later that Paradigm’s end of the conversation was audible, shedding some much needed light on the entire interchange. It seems Paradigm profusely apologized for the loss and promised a much bigger gate next week! Oh man, what has this young superstar gotten himself into?
1) Los Diablos Del Satan [El Demonio/ El Hijo del Demonio O/ Super DEVIL Mask] ~17:23 Golpe del Infierno~ The Fabulous Flying Llamas [Bobby Llamas/ Lorenzo Llamas/ Llamas Jr. X]
2) Cynthia San Martino ~9:39 Vader Hammers~ Azumi Oonishi
3) Ken Shields/ Tomohiro Ito O ~29:20 Johnny Spike~ Jimmy Cliff/ Rodrigo Jorge X
4) Da Busch Boyz [Raz Busch O/ Duz Busch] ~20:25 Big Body Bomb~ Bret Stillman X/ Sonny Siguri
5) Aleks Dodstva ~14:04 Count-Out!~ Park Young Tae
6) MIRYOKO ~15:58 Tight Fit~ Juan Leche
7) Paddy Baker ~24:38 Inverted Piledriver~ Paradigm
10.13.2007
WILD Saturday Night #3
There must be something in the water at the WILD Arena because competitors with no prior history with each other have been tearing each other apart every week! The first match of the night continued that trend, as crusty, old rudo Pedro Guterez brought out the worst in clean-cut Bret Stillman. He did this by giving Stillman a nasty headbutt early on, opening a sizable gash above his forehead that he continued to widen by biting and digging his un-manicured fingernails into the wound!
In an attempt to survive Stillman abandoned his “work-the-leg-to-set-up-the-figure-four” strategy, even taking Guterez out of the ring for some rule breakin’ action! But it was too little too late as Guterez, unbound by the same rules he is forced to abide by in MPLL, gleefully used a pair of jumping piledrivers to get the win. The post-modern art made by the impact of a bloody head being drilled into the mat was just icing on the cake …
Lawman Wild Bill was back again this week with a new partner - El Justiciero - and more determined than ever to make sure WILD athletic contests are run without incident! To insure this he first deputized El Justiciero and then took five minutes instructing referee Martin Roeg on the finer points of professional wrestling officiating. This tutorial seemed to have worked (although the fans were a bit pissed at the delay), that is until late in the tag match that followed.
Seems Bill got a little frustrated with his inability to do much of anything against meat cannon Havok and his speedy pin-breaking-up partner 50 Centavos, resorting to the use of a sledge hammer on Havok to get the edge! Needless to say Roeg did his profession proud by not seeing a damn thing (distracted by teenage girls) but 50 Centavos sure did, and the match ran out of time as heated debate that had a bunch of trouble clearing the language barrier dominated the final moments.
She-bully Cynthia San Martino finally got hers this week in tag action as Tiger Girl 2 and Tigress Mask came out unified and focused, chasing her out of the ring very early on! San Martino’s partner Azumi Oonishi didn’t fare much better, barely giving her partner enough time to recover and mount a second offensive. In fact it wasn’t enough time, as San Martino submitted via chicken wing arm lock to Tigress Mask, who was polite enough not to rub the win into the face of the woman who humiliated her the week before.
But we found out that San Martino is about as honorable in defeat as she has been in victory, which is to say “not at all”. While rubbing some feeling back into her arm she cussed out poor Oonishi, calling her weak and dim-witted and then, when not satisfied with the clueless look she got as a response (Oonishi doesn’t speak English, or at least pretends not to), proceeded to stomp her into the mat! Jesus, what in the hell is this chick’s problem? Tiger Force for the save, yada yada yada …
Last week saw Rhodey Colosso and David DaVinci take down the Busch Boyz in tag action but at a hefty price, as Raz Busch re-injured Colosso’s knee by swinging a padlocked chain into it. This week was all about revenge, as Sicilian body builder DaVinci sought to give Raz his comeuppance! Which he did, but it sure wasn’t easy, as for every lariat he threw (and there were a lot!) Raz had a strike to the groin at the ready. Now you would think taking multiple shots to the gonads would impair just about anyone, but somehow DaVinci was able to trudge through the punishment, perhaps speaking volumes about how he got his physique in the first place.
Duz Busch was on the outside and helping out as well, as was crutches bound Colosso, who spent most of his time hobbling about trying to prevent Duz from tossing chairs in the ring when the referee wasn’t watching. The whole thing was pretty fucking funny actually, that is until DaVinci submitted Raz with a latch lock, prompting Duz to switch focus to the big lug that was chasing him, tripping him with microphone cord and then slamming home the ringside steps to his good knee! Oh the humanity! DaVinci rushed to the aid of his wailing partner while those vile Busch Boyz laughed all the way to the back. Bastards!
On their way to the ring for the fifth match of the evening Kyle Walker could be heard excitedly warning partners Juan Leche and Matt D about the dangers of their opponents: VWA Six-Man Tag Team champions Nippon Hou Hou Chi^Mu (Japan Fashion Team as crudely translated through an array of sources). He mentioned bizarre fashion model MIRYOKO in particular as being far more vicious than his effete appearance would suggest, not to mention the mysterious ninja that flank him at all times (Ninja Express, sporting the always fashionable basic black). Leche smiled in response to all of this and patted him on the head but said he wasn’t in the least bit worried.
Turns out he should have been, as the Ninjas tagged in and out several times without the referee’s knowledge while MIRYOKO did serious damage with a variety of chops and palm strikes. True to form Walker exploded with rage at seeing his team losing and went into hero mode, driving back the Ninja threat and getting several near falls on MIRYOKO before wearing himself out, getting a stitch and succumbing to a Ninja I abdominal nerve hold. Then MIRYOKO modeled some new stirrups and pissed a lot of beer-drinkin’, pork rind eatin’, pro rasslin’ fans off.
Next up WILD TV Champ Sit Kwok Fu fought for the honor of old wrestlers everywhere against Paradigm in a non-title bout. Of course Paradigm protested, saying he was being denied the right to start his title collection, but this here match was about respect, or rather teaching Paradigm to have some for his elders.
This was a furiously fast-paced match that could have gone either way but didn’t, as Kwok Fu went against type by braining Paradigm with a chair on the outside and finished him off with a powerbomb. After taking some time to recover Paradigm leapt up and went on a rant, saying that this was what was wrong with WILD, that a law breaking miscreant like Kwok Fu holds titles while a purist, a student of “WRESTLING” gets labeled a bad guy! He continued to say that even when he uses the enemies tactics he is branded an even viler villain, and that he just can’t get a break!
A gruff voice came over the house PA in response. “But one thing we Bruisers will never do is beat down an old man with cancer, and that’s why you’re gonna get yours!” Out came Paddy Baker walking alongside Virgil Theunk, who in just a week’s time already appears to have lost a good ten-twenty pounds. But despite this he was still smiling, perhaps because of the hair clippers he held in his hand! Paradigm eyed them and tried to leave the ring, only to find all sides blocked; to the right stood Sean Gabriel, to the left Sit Kwok Fu and behind him, despite injuries incurred at the hands of Dan Sommers, Angelo Sabatini!
Paradigm dropped to his knees and begged for mercy but was told by Baker that he would get none, that he was going to find out what it’s like to go through chemotherapy! All sides closed on Paradigm and his arms were held back, his head held prone and the clippers fired up. Paradigm struggled mightily against the odds but couldn’t free himself, not without help anyways …
And help came, three men with slicked back hair, clad in tracksuits and sporting concrete filled rubber hoses, completely surprising the Bruisers with a swift beating that left the audience in shock! Realizing surprise would only take them so far against superior numbers these, these GOOMBAHS grabbed a surprised but grateful Paradigm and fled towards the back! I almost don’t want to write it until it’s been confirmed but … has Paradigm enlisted the aid of the mob? Christ!
Believe it or not there was a main event after what transpired and it was a big one! Confident that Aleks Dodstva was ready to take the next stop towards Dodination of his foes, Ronnie Dod asked the WILD booking committee to schedule them against anyone they saw fit in tag team action. But while walking to the ring that confidence quickly turned to uncertainty when they saw their opponents: Pure Technical Fuckin’ Wrestling’s Martin Fairbairn and Park Young Tae!
Big fighting erupted almost immediately and Ronnie clearly got the worst of his exchange with Martin, winding up bloodied and exhausted. The “green” Dodstva fared much better than his tutor, proving, at least in this match, that he was the better-conditioned athlete, holding up his end in the ring and saving Ronnie’s skin more than a few times.
But when it came time for Ronnie to return the favor he couldn’t be counted on, as he supported his weight by draping himself over the top rope, breathing heavily while “encouraging” Aleks to hang in there against Young-Tae, that he would find an opening in his blistering martial arts attack soon. Unfortunately he couldn’t, and Dodstva wound up getting pinned with a school boy roll up in the middle of the ring, a situation that Ronnie might have been able to make a save on had he felt like budging a muscle. Dodstva did not look happy after the match, looking sullen and refusing to exchange anything more than one word responses with Dod, who kept trying to tell him “learning to lose is an important part of your training!”
1) Pedro Guterez ~15:08 Martinete~ Bret Stillman
2) 50 Centavos/ Havok ~30:00 Time-Up Draw!~ El Justiciero/ Wild Bill
3) Tiger Girl 2/ Tigress Mask O ~16:20 Chicken Wing Armlock~ Cynthia San Martino X/ Azumi Oonishi
4) David DaVinci ~23:53 Macaroni Vice~ Raz Busch
5) Nippon Hou Hou Chi^Mu [MIRYOKO/ Ninja I O/ Ninja II] ~20:04 Abdominal Asiatic Spike~ Juan Leche/ Kyle Walker X/ Matt D
6) Sit Kwok Fu ~15:25 Powerbomb~ Paradigm
7) Martin Fairbairn/ Park Young-Tae O ~27:26 School Boy~ Ronnie Dod/ Aleks Dodstva X
In an attempt to survive Stillman abandoned his “work-the-leg-to-set-up-the-figure-four” strategy, even taking Guterez out of the ring for some rule breakin’ action! But it was too little too late as Guterez, unbound by the same rules he is forced to abide by in MPLL, gleefully used a pair of jumping piledrivers to get the win. The post-modern art made by the impact of a bloody head being drilled into the mat was just icing on the cake …
Lawman Wild Bill was back again this week with a new partner - El Justiciero - and more determined than ever to make sure WILD athletic contests are run without incident! To insure this he first deputized El Justiciero and then took five minutes instructing referee Martin Roeg on the finer points of professional wrestling officiating. This tutorial seemed to have worked (although the fans were a bit pissed at the delay), that is until late in the tag match that followed.
Seems Bill got a little frustrated with his inability to do much of anything against meat cannon Havok and his speedy pin-breaking-up partner 50 Centavos, resorting to the use of a sledge hammer on Havok to get the edge! Needless to say Roeg did his profession proud by not seeing a damn thing (distracted by teenage girls) but 50 Centavos sure did, and the match ran out of time as heated debate that had a bunch of trouble clearing the language barrier dominated the final moments.
She-bully Cynthia San Martino finally got hers this week in tag action as Tiger Girl 2 and Tigress Mask came out unified and focused, chasing her out of the ring very early on! San Martino’s partner Azumi Oonishi didn’t fare much better, barely giving her partner enough time to recover and mount a second offensive. In fact it wasn’t enough time, as San Martino submitted via chicken wing arm lock to Tigress Mask, who was polite enough not to rub the win into the face of the woman who humiliated her the week before.
But we found out that San Martino is about as honorable in defeat as she has been in victory, which is to say “not at all”. While rubbing some feeling back into her arm she cussed out poor Oonishi, calling her weak and dim-witted and then, when not satisfied with the clueless look she got as a response (Oonishi doesn’t speak English, or at least pretends not to), proceeded to stomp her into the mat! Jesus, what in the hell is this chick’s problem? Tiger Force for the save, yada yada yada …
Last week saw Rhodey Colosso and David DaVinci take down the Busch Boyz in tag action but at a hefty price, as Raz Busch re-injured Colosso’s knee by swinging a padlocked chain into it. This week was all about revenge, as Sicilian body builder DaVinci sought to give Raz his comeuppance! Which he did, but it sure wasn’t easy, as for every lariat he threw (and there were a lot!) Raz had a strike to the groin at the ready. Now you would think taking multiple shots to the gonads would impair just about anyone, but somehow DaVinci was able to trudge through the punishment, perhaps speaking volumes about how he got his physique in the first place.
Duz Busch was on the outside and helping out as well, as was crutches bound Colosso, who spent most of his time hobbling about trying to prevent Duz from tossing chairs in the ring when the referee wasn’t watching. The whole thing was pretty fucking funny actually, that is until DaVinci submitted Raz with a latch lock, prompting Duz to switch focus to the big lug that was chasing him, tripping him with microphone cord and then slamming home the ringside steps to his good knee! Oh the humanity! DaVinci rushed to the aid of his wailing partner while those vile Busch Boyz laughed all the way to the back. Bastards!
On their way to the ring for the fifth match of the evening Kyle Walker could be heard excitedly warning partners Juan Leche and Matt D about the dangers of their opponents: VWA Six-Man Tag Team champions Nippon Hou Hou Chi^Mu (Japan Fashion Team as crudely translated through an array of sources). He mentioned bizarre fashion model MIRYOKO in particular as being far more vicious than his effete appearance would suggest, not to mention the mysterious ninja that flank him at all times (Ninja Express, sporting the always fashionable basic black). Leche smiled in response to all of this and patted him on the head but said he wasn’t in the least bit worried.
Turns out he should have been, as the Ninjas tagged in and out several times without the referee’s knowledge while MIRYOKO did serious damage with a variety of chops and palm strikes. True to form Walker exploded with rage at seeing his team losing and went into hero mode, driving back the Ninja threat and getting several near falls on MIRYOKO before wearing himself out, getting a stitch and succumbing to a Ninja I abdominal nerve hold. Then MIRYOKO modeled some new stirrups and pissed a lot of beer-drinkin’, pork rind eatin’, pro rasslin’ fans off.
Next up WILD TV Champ Sit Kwok Fu fought for the honor of old wrestlers everywhere against Paradigm in a non-title bout. Of course Paradigm protested, saying he was being denied the right to start his title collection, but this here match was about respect, or rather teaching Paradigm to have some for his elders.
This was a furiously fast-paced match that could have gone either way but didn’t, as Kwok Fu went against type by braining Paradigm with a chair on the outside and finished him off with a powerbomb. After taking some time to recover Paradigm leapt up and went on a rant, saying that this was what was wrong with WILD, that a law breaking miscreant like Kwok Fu holds titles while a purist, a student of “WRESTLING” gets labeled a bad guy! He continued to say that even when he uses the enemies tactics he is branded an even viler villain, and that he just can’t get a break!
A gruff voice came over the house PA in response. “But one thing we Bruisers will never do is beat down an old man with cancer, and that’s why you’re gonna get yours!” Out came Paddy Baker walking alongside Virgil Theunk, who in just a week’s time already appears to have lost a good ten-twenty pounds. But despite this he was still smiling, perhaps because of the hair clippers he held in his hand! Paradigm eyed them and tried to leave the ring, only to find all sides blocked; to the right stood Sean Gabriel, to the left Sit Kwok Fu and behind him, despite injuries incurred at the hands of Dan Sommers, Angelo Sabatini!
Paradigm dropped to his knees and begged for mercy but was told by Baker that he would get none, that he was going to find out what it’s like to go through chemotherapy! All sides closed on Paradigm and his arms were held back, his head held prone and the clippers fired up. Paradigm struggled mightily against the odds but couldn’t free himself, not without help anyways …
And help came, three men with slicked back hair, clad in tracksuits and sporting concrete filled rubber hoses, completely surprising the Bruisers with a swift beating that left the audience in shock! Realizing surprise would only take them so far against superior numbers these, these GOOMBAHS grabbed a surprised but grateful Paradigm and fled towards the back! I almost don’t want to write it until it’s been confirmed but … has Paradigm enlisted the aid of the mob? Christ!
Believe it or not there was a main event after what transpired and it was a big one! Confident that Aleks Dodstva was ready to take the next stop towards Dodination of his foes, Ronnie Dod asked the WILD booking committee to schedule them against anyone they saw fit in tag team action. But while walking to the ring that confidence quickly turned to uncertainty when they saw their opponents: Pure Technical Fuckin’ Wrestling’s Martin Fairbairn and Park Young Tae!
Big fighting erupted almost immediately and Ronnie clearly got the worst of his exchange with Martin, winding up bloodied and exhausted. The “green” Dodstva fared much better than his tutor, proving, at least in this match, that he was the better-conditioned athlete, holding up his end in the ring and saving Ronnie’s skin more than a few times.
But when it came time for Ronnie to return the favor he couldn’t be counted on, as he supported his weight by draping himself over the top rope, breathing heavily while “encouraging” Aleks to hang in there against Young-Tae, that he would find an opening in his blistering martial arts attack soon. Unfortunately he couldn’t, and Dodstva wound up getting pinned with a school boy roll up in the middle of the ring, a situation that Ronnie might have been able to make a save on had he felt like budging a muscle. Dodstva did not look happy after the match, looking sullen and refusing to exchange anything more than one word responses with Dod, who kept trying to tell him “learning to lose is an important part of your training!”
1) Pedro Guterez ~15:08 Martinete~ Bret Stillman
2) 50 Centavos/ Havok ~30:00 Time-Up Draw!~ El Justiciero/ Wild Bill
3) Tiger Girl 2/ Tigress Mask O ~16:20 Chicken Wing Armlock~ Cynthia San Martino X/ Azumi Oonishi
4) David DaVinci ~23:53 Macaroni Vice~ Raz Busch
5) Nippon Hou Hou Chi^Mu [MIRYOKO/ Ninja I O/ Ninja II] ~20:04 Abdominal Asiatic Spike~ Juan Leche/ Kyle Walker X/ Matt D
6) Sit Kwok Fu ~15:25 Powerbomb~ Paradigm
7) Martin Fairbairn/ Park Young-Tae O ~27:26 School Boy~ Ronnie Dod/ Aleks Dodstva X
10.06.2007
WILD Saturday Night #2
Show kicked off with “Maulin’” San Martino womanhandling her competition for the second week in a row, this time taking down Tigress Mask. The dainty feline’s submission skills were effective in taking away San Martino’s jackhammer like punches, but did nothing to stop her head, which she used to add a few crimson splotches to the Tigress’s Bazooka Joe bubble gum colored outfit. A reverse chokeslam, a carrying tackle and a stump puller later and it was all she wrote, save for San Martino’s verbal parting shot: “Real women don’t wear pink!”
Law abiding officer of the peace Wild Bill was of little use to Mike Duff against rogues Mike Phillips and Jake Jackson in the next bout, refusing to break even one rule while the opposition figuratively wiped their asses with the WILD rule book! Duff tried his best to fight fire with fire as this one got increasingly out of hand, but ultimately threw up his hands in frustration. From here on out Wild Bill did his best Walker Texas Ranger impression, trying his darndest to win this one clean for all the Ovaltine drinking boys and girls, resulting in his being on the receiving end of scads of double teams leading up to a loss at the hands of Jackson. Wild Bill was so upset about the loss he actually tried to write referee Gen Hirayama a citation for not enforcing the rules!
Jobber to the Stars Joe Doe made good use of the abdominal stretch and the headlock to drag his match with indie stud Jason Wesley out way longer than anyone would have expected. Even after Wesley firmly took over the offensive side of things Doe would not give up, at least until the big guns were pulled out: an avalanche arm cross! Doe stubbornly refused an MRI after the match, even though observers could literally hear tendons gnashing as he attempted to show no serious injury had been done to his arm. Wacky jobbers …
Juan Leche and Kyle Walker took on a pair of Zombies in the fourth match of the night, but as Leche’s submission victory via bow and arrow lock proved these weren’t actually real zombies at all. No, because zombies are incapable of feeling pain and, therefore, would not have any reason to give up to an agonizing stretch. If that weren’t enough proof that Zombi I and Zombi II are not members of the living dead, consider that Kyle Walker was bitten multiple times during the match and is, as of this writing, feeling “chipper and full of pep!”
After fighting to a double count-out the week before the teams of Colosso/ DaVinci and the thugalicious Busch Boyz were scheduled to fight again, only this time with no disqualifications and no count-outs! It should come as no surprise then that this became essentially a Texas Tornado match almost immediately, with ref Martin Roeg just trying to stay out of the way until needed. This was absolute madness for fifteen plus, with both teams using anything not bolted down to smash their opponents with!
The end came about in a blur, as while Duz Busch was fading fast in the clutches of a Colosso bear hug his brother Raz took a padlock weighted length of chain and swung it into the surgically repaired knee (injury courtesy of the VWA’s Ninja Express) of Colosso, dropping him like that one fabled statue that was really tall and fell onto some Greek island. DaVinci was quick to prevent Raz from doing any more damage, and Duz, still in Colosso’s grip, was declared unable to continue. The Busch Boyz may have lost this bout but as Colosso’ bellows of pain suggested as he writhed on the mat, it’s possible they took the war in one fell swoop!
Match number six saw Aleks Dodstva accompany Ronnie Dod for a lesson in how to dismantle those that are not Dod, with that role being played by golden armed arena football quarterback Ken Shields. Shields took exception to being propped up as Dod fodder and almost immediately broke the nose of Ronnie with a solid punch, but that was about all he did, getting steamrolled after that with a quickness. From the outside, Aleks watched on with focused awe …
WILD TV Champion Sit Kwok Fu was the standout amongst a stellar field of talent in the next bout, an epic six-man tag featuring he, Jimmy Cliff and Angelo Sabatini against VD Dod, Fat Lip and the resurgent Paradigm! The straight shooting Sabatini looked a little bit out of place amongst this motley crew, but it’s believed he took such offense to Paradigm’s comments about older wrestlers he fervently petitioned to be booked here!
In the end it turns out that age is not always the benchmark for stamina, as while everyone else had beaten themselves into exhaustion Sabatini still appeared quite hale, evidenced when he drove VD Dod and Fat Lip out of the ring with one mighty push. At that exact moment Sit Kwok Fu was rolling through a Paradigm German Suplex to apply a Boston Crab, getting payback for losing to Paradigm the week before.
Paradigm flipped out after losing, berating the departing LRI members for their lousy teamwork and equating their performances with that of the “washed-up old men that plague this promotion”. But while ranting away he forgot his enemies were in the vicinity, and this time it was Angelo Sabatini who spun him around by the shoulder, knocking him out of the ring with a mighty wallop. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand the scowling Paradigm shot a look up at Sabatini, who responded with a jerk, as if he was about to launch himself out of the ring. Paradigm didn’t wait around to see what would happen next, diving into the crowd and hightailing it away from danger …
A very special main event closed out the evening, as Paddy Baker made his way out to the ring to address the audience. In somber tones he briefly talked about his wrestling history, starting out in the National Wrestling Federation in 1968, epic battles with the likes of Jerry Billo, Moonshiner Magee, Larry York. But he said that as tough as those guys were none of them held a candle to Virgil Theunk.
He says Theunk came to the promotion from England around the same time he did and they took an immediate disliking to each other, and their enmity showed every time they stepped into the ring with each other. Over the years he estimated they’ve fought hundreds of times, all over the world for several different promotions. But they never fought over anything as hard as the Mid-Continental title, at one point in the 70’s trading the title six times back and forth during epic encounters.
Baker then told the audience that Theunk collapsed at a VWA show earlier in the week and that after being looked after doctors have diagnosed him with an aggressive form of colon cancer. He then said Theunk is going to undergo treatment soon and, knowing this, called him with one simple request: a shot at the Mid-Continental title, “before I can’t wrestle anymore, mate”. Baker bowed his head after saying this and wiped away a tear. “I never liked that limey snake but goddamned if I don’t respect the hell out of him. I’d give him the title if he asked for it.”
This brought out Virgil Theunk, the mat legend, looking a bit peaked but still healthy enough to compete in what was sure to be a friendly exhibition. And it started out that way but after just a few minutes memories of their old rivalry escalated the action from basic mat work to something far more aggressive. While Baker threw elbows and European uppercuts Theunk put every ounce of his being into every submission hold he applied until finally he had nothing left, allowing Baker to power out of a Stranglehold Alpha and put Theunk away with the inverted piledriver.
Baker helped Theunk up after the match and they shook hands, then hugged while the fans showed their approval. Baker then told Theunk to hold on just one minute, signaling for a photographer to enter the ring while reaching over the ropes for his title, perhaps preparing for a timeless photo opportunity. But abruptly the applause changed to jeers and as Baker turned around he saw why: Paradigm, steel chair in hand, had just laid out Theunk and then charged at Baker, clocking him over the head before he could react!!
Baker tumbled out of the ring and the crazed Paradigm followed, smacking him a few more times with the chair and then trying to choke the life out of him with a length of cable, all the while screaming about mandatory retirement ages and how filthy the elderly are. Sean Gabriel, Angelo Sabatini and Sit Kwok Fu dashed down to the ring to the rescue, driving Paradigm off into the crowd once again while the stunned crowd looked on …
1) Cynthia San Martino ~9:10 Schoolyard Stretch~ Tigress Mask
2) Mike Phillips/ Jake Jackson O ~20:58 School Boy~ Mike Duff/ Wild Bill X
3) Jason Wesley ~20:59 Avalanche Arm Cross~ Joe Doe
4) Juan Leche O/ Kyle Walker ~15:34 Bow and Arrow Lock~ Not Really Zombis [Zombi I/ Zombi II X]
5) Rhodey Colosso O/ David DaVinci ~17:21 Bear Hug~ The Busch Boyz [Raz Busch/ Duz Busch X]
6) Ronnie Dod ~6:57 Twisting Belly to Belly~ Ken Shields
7) Sit Kwok Fu O/ Jimmy Cliff/ Angelo Sabatini ~24:03 Boston Crab~ VD Dod/ Fat Lip/ Paradigm X
8) MID-CONTINENTAL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
(C) Paddy Baker ~11:33 Inverted Piledriver~ Virgil Theunk {1st Successful Defense}
Law abiding officer of the peace Wild Bill was of little use to Mike Duff against rogues Mike Phillips and Jake Jackson in the next bout, refusing to break even one rule while the opposition figuratively wiped their asses with the WILD rule book! Duff tried his best to fight fire with fire as this one got increasingly out of hand, but ultimately threw up his hands in frustration. From here on out Wild Bill did his best Walker Texas Ranger impression, trying his darndest to win this one clean for all the Ovaltine drinking boys and girls, resulting in his being on the receiving end of scads of double teams leading up to a loss at the hands of Jackson. Wild Bill was so upset about the loss he actually tried to write referee Gen Hirayama a citation for not enforcing the rules!
Jobber to the Stars Joe Doe made good use of the abdominal stretch and the headlock to drag his match with indie stud Jason Wesley out way longer than anyone would have expected. Even after Wesley firmly took over the offensive side of things Doe would not give up, at least until the big guns were pulled out: an avalanche arm cross! Doe stubbornly refused an MRI after the match, even though observers could literally hear tendons gnashing as he attempted to show no serious injury had been done to his arm. Wacky jobbers …
Juan Leche and Kyle Walker took on a pair of Zombies in the fourth match of the night, but as Leche’s submission victory via bow and arrow lock proved these weren’t actually real zombies at all. No, because zombies are incapable of feeling pain and, therefore, would not have any reason to give up to an agonizing stretch. If that weren’t enough proof that Zombi I and Zombi II are not members of the living dead, consider that Kyle Walker was bitten multiple times during the match and is, as of this writing, feeling “chipper and full of pep!”
After fighting to a double count-out the week before the teams of Colosso/ DaVinci and the thugalicious Busch Boyz were scheduled to fight again, only this time with no disqualifications and no count-outs! It should come as no surprise then that this became essentially a Texas Tornado match almost immediately, with ref Martin Roeg just trying to stay out of the way until needed. This was absolute madness for fifteen plus, with both teams using anything not bolted down to smash their opponents with!
The end came about in a blur, as while Duz Busch was fading fast in the clutches of a Colosso bear hug his brother Raz took a padlock weighted length of chain and swung it into the surgically repaired knee (injury courtesy of the VWA’s Ninja Express) of Colosso, dropping him like that one fabled statue that was really tall and fell onto some Greek island. DaVinci was quick to prevent Raz from doing any more damage, and Duz, still in Colosso’s grip, was declared unable to continue. The Busch Boyz may have lost this bout but as Colosso’ bellows of pain suggested as he writhed on the mat, it’s possible they took the war in one fell swoop!
Match number six saw Aleks Dodstva accompany Ronnie Dod for a lesson in how to dismantle those that are not Dod, with that role being played by golden armed arena football quarterback Ken Shields. Shields took exception to being propped up as Dod fodder and almost immediately broke the nose of Ronnie with a solid punch, but that was about all he did, getting steamrolled after that with a quickness. From the outside, Aleks watched on with focused awe …
WILD TV Champion Sit Kwok Fu was the standout amongst a stellar field of talent in the next bout, an epic six-man tag featuring he, Jimmy Cliff and Angelo Sabatini against VD Dod, Fat Lip and the resurgent Paradigm! The straight shooting Sabatini looked a little bit out of place amongst this motley crew, but it’s believed he took such offense to Paradigm’s comments about older wrestlers he fervently petitioned to be booked here!
In the end it turns out that age is not always the benchmark for stamina, as while everyone else had beaten themselves into exhaustion Sabatini still appeared quite hale, evidenced when he drove VD Dod and Fat Lip out of the ring with one mighty push. At that exact moment Sit Kwok Fu was rolling through a Paradigm German Suplex to apply a Boston Crab, getting payback for losing to Paradigm the week before.
Paradigm flipped out after losing, berating the departing LRI members for their lousy teamwork and equating their performances with that of the “washed-up old men that plague this promotion”. But while ranting away he forgot his enemies were in the vicinity, and this time it was Angelo Sabatini who spun him around by the shoulder, knocking him out of the ring with a mighty wallop. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand the scowling Paradigm shot a look up at Sabatini, who responded with a jerk, as if he was about to launch himself out of the ring. Paradigm didn’t wait around to see what would happen next, diving into the crowd and hightailing it away from danger …
A very special main event closed out the evening, as Paddy Baker made his way out to the ring to address the audience. In somber tones he briefly talked about his wrestling history, starting out in the National Wrestling Federation in 1968, epic battles with the likes of Jerry Billo, Moonshiner Magee, Larry York. But he said that as tough as those guys were none of them held a candle to Virgil Theunk.
He says Theunk came to the promotion from England around the same time he did and they took an immediate disliking to each other, and their enmity showed every time they stepped into the ring with each other. Over the years he estimated they’ve fought hundreds of times, all over the world for several different promotions. But they never fought over anything as hard as the Mid-Continental title, at one point in the 70’s trading the title six times back and forth during epic encounters.
Baker then told the audience that Theunk collapsed at a VWA show earlier in the week and that after being looked after doctors have diagnosed him with an aggressive form of colon cancer. He then said Theunk is going to undergo treatment soon and, knowing this, called him with one simple request: a shot at the Mid-Continental title, “before I can’t wrestle anymore, mate”. Baker bowed his head after saying this and wiped away a tear. “I never liked that limey snake but goddamned if I don’t respect the hell out of him. I’d give him the title if he asked for it.”
This brought out Virgil Theunk, the mat legend, looking a bit peaked but still healthy enough to compete in what was sure to be a friendly exhibition. And it started out that way but after just a few minutes memories of their old rivalry escalated the action from basic mat work to something far more aggressive. While Baker threw elbows and European uppercuts Theunk put every ounce of his being into every submission hold he applied until finally he had nothing left, allowing Baker to power out of a Stranglehold Alpha and put Theunk away with the inverted piledriver.
Baker helped Theunk up after the match and they shook hands, then hugged while the fans showed their approval. Baker then told Theunk to hold on just one minute, signaling for a photographer to enter the ring while reaching over the ropes for his title, perhaps preparing for a timeless photo opportunity. But abruptly the applause changed to jeers and as Baker turned around he saw why: Paradigm, steel chair in hand, had just laid out Theunk and then charged at Baker, clocking him over the head before he could react!!
Baker tumbled out of the ring and the crazed Paradigm followed, smacking him a few more times with the chair and then trying to choke the life out of him with a length of cable, all the while screaming about mandatory retirement ages and how filthy the elderly are. Sean Gabriel, Angelo Sabatini and Sit Kwok Fu dashed down to the ring to the rescue, driving Paradigm off into the crowd once again while the stunned crowd looked on …
1) Cynthia San Martino ~9:10 Schoolyard Stretch~ Tigress Mask
2) Mike Phillips/ Jake Jackson O ~20:58 School Boy~ Mike Duff/ Wild Bill X
3) Jason Wesley ~20:59 Avalanche Arm Cross~ Joe Doe
4) Juan Leche O/ Kyle Walker ~15:34 Bow and Arrow Lock~ Not Really Zombis [Zombi I/ Zombi II X]
5) Rhodey Colosso O/ David DaVinci ~17:21 Bear Hug~ The Busch Boyz [Raz Busch/ Duz Busch X]
6) Ronnie Dod ~6:57 Twisting Belly to Belly~ Ken Shields
7) Sit Kwok Fu O/ Jimmy Cliff/ Angelo Sabatini ~24:03 Boston Crab~ VD Dod/ Fat Lip/ Paradigm X
8) MID-CONTINENTAL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
(C) Paddy Baker ~11:33 Inverted Piledriver~ Virgil Theunk {1st Successful Defense}
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