WILD Saturday Night #10

So the big news this week wasn’t the build up towards WILD Resolution ’08, that crazed maelstrom of violence as hated rivals jockey for position, hoping to gain the slightest advantage, the narrowest edge. Nope, it wasn’t even the heinous attack on Pro Wrestling WILD fans committed by Spunk, Brian Lee and Tommy Fiero, an attack that should, by all rights, have driven ticket sales to record depths but, in fact, spiked them to new heights! (Apparently Pro Wrestling WILD fans are masochists) Don’t get me wrong, these things are definitely news worthy, but pale in comparison to what transpired at the Pro Wrestling WILD office Christmas party this Friday past…

Oh man, I wish I were joking. We’ve all been there, counting down the minutes until we can comfortably leave without offending the boss or the sweet old lady in accounting that took the time to hang the decorations with care. Looking the other way as Bob from the copy room dives into a winning rendition of “That’s Life” after one too many trips to the punch bowl, even though there isn’t a karaoke machine anywhere to be seen. Faking your best smile when you receive a mint green reindeer tie from your Secret Santa. Now, imagine all these things and thirty-odd steroid jacked professional athletes packed into a conference room at the local Marriott, drinking the complimentary Old Milwaukee beer and brandied egg nog, trying their best to forget that, just last week, they more than likely tried to kill someone in that very room and you have a recipe for … DISASTER.

Well, kind of. You see, in the contract of each and every Pro Wrestling WILD wrestler there is a stipulation that any violence that takes place at the annual Christmas party is grounds for immediate dismissal. (Holiday season and all!) However, this doesn’t prevent any drunken challenges from being issued, or egos being burned by slurred insults or valets being abducted and violated in the coat room thus leading to future comeuppance once said valet’s meal ticket discovers what has happened. Not that the latter happened (probably more because of lack of attractive valet’s in WILD at the moments more than lack of restraint on the behalf of WILD ne’er do well) but you can bet your bottom dollar the former two instances did, with several having a direct bearing on this week’s WILD Saturday Night schedule!

Yes folks, it’s time for your favorite stars to give the gift of HATE, settle those old differences before starting anew in 2008! (Betcha wish you could do this at your work, huh …)

The very first match of the night featured tag action between the Zombis and Melancholia (shaDow & eDo), the former sporting brand new muzzles as part of an agreement reached with the WILD Board of Directors. Following last week’s craziness (note to reader: READ SHOW #9!) the decision was made to ban the Zombis outright for excessive consumption of human flesh, but Zombie Master worked a little overtime at the Christmas party, buttering them up with a rare Jamaican rum and Cuban cigars while explaining that his charges aren’t REALLY dangerous, more like “Voodoo Zombies” that mistakenly think they have to feed on the living to survive.

It would seem rum and cigars go a long way towards greasing the palms of bureaucrats, as they overturned their earlier decision to ban the Zombis, with the caveat that they wear muzzles until they can be cured of their unfortunate “nibbling fetish”. Of course this did not sit well with Melancholia or their new mentor, professional zombie hunter Autolocus Stern, and when they found out a challenge was immediately issued and subsequently accepted, with the Zombie Master warning them that any attempts at damaging the brains of the Zombis would be met with swift retribution in the form of a lawsuit for “violating the rights of the living impaired”, they were slightly dismayed yet undaunted!

The match turned out to be a short one as the Zombis weren’t really all that competent with their most effective weapon taken away, kind of stumbling about and flailing their arms and spending a lot of time bumping into one another. This was despite the best efforts of the Zombie Master at ringside, who was trying his best to direct his Zombis through voodoo sorcery but failing due to hangover. With Autolocus Stern looking on with great favor shaDow scored the pinfall for his team with a suicide bomb, bringing about much celebration, that is until it was noticed Capoeira Zombi, brought to the ring as a ring second by Zombi Master, had broken free from his dog collar and was loose somewhere in the arena! A panicked search from both sides started immediately, lasting throughout the show and ending when Zombi Master found him hours later playing Dance Dance Revolution in the arcade, muzzle thankfully still intact …

Ronnie Dod and Aleks Dodstva failed to capture the WILD Tag Team Titles from the Celtic Bruisers on the latest installment of WILD TV, something Ronnie would not let Aleks live down at Friday’s party, berating him near constantly for all to hear, including the eavesdropping Fat Lip! Still wearing a cast after having his arm broken by Sit Kwok Fu, a beyond lubricated Fat Lip made a point to come over and mock Dodstva for being a “cracker pussy”, pointing to his own cast and bragging about his ability to wrestle with it! In case you missed the match, Dodstva’s arm was systematically targeted by the Bruisers, leading to a submission victory by Baker via chicken-wing armlock, a point not missed by Fat Lip!

So despite an alliance by association (Fat Lip being in LRI alongside Stuart Robinson and VD Dod, duh) Ronnie encouraged Aleks to defend his good name by kicking the crap out of Fat Lip on Saturday Night! This was a better match than you might expect given the weight difference, with lots of brawling and weapons used throughout. Still, Aleks just plain wore down Fat Lip with his size and took his time to mete out the punishment during the last five minutes of the match, which wound up bringing down VD Dod to pantomime in complaint to Ronnie. Ronnie seemed to agree that squashing a friend of the family wasn’t exactly in the Christmas spirit and told Aleks to wrap things up, which he did with an avalanche hold, after which they all took Fat Lip out to the local strip club. Ho ho ho!

The Christmas Spirit was alive and well in more ways than one at this show, with MIRYOKO having arranged a very special gift for close friend and WILD Jr. Heavy tourney finalist Billy Hollywood: a full body massage by noted Swedish masseuse Helga Hunkachunk atop a scaffold so he could see the Ninja Express decimate his finals opponent Juan Leche and partner Lorenzo Llamas! Awww, what a sweet gift.

The Ninjas really gave Leche and Llamas a fight, using their usual ancient Oriental trickery to great effect: mystical tags, defying the very laws of gravity, you know, ninja shit. Big time comeback late threatened to blow this one wide open in the favor of Leche and Llamas, causing Hollywood to rise up off the massage table, forcing Helga to hold him down and grunt “Massage not done yet, Helga say when massage done”. However just when it seemed Leche was going to win the match he was dropped with the deadly Touch of Death, sending him to the mat writhing in pain and easily pinned.

Llamas attempted to fight off the Ninjas so referee Martin Roeg could inspect the fallen Leche, who looked seriously injured (it was later learned the Touch of Death caused serious damage to a nerve cluster near his heart), but was quickly tossed out of the ring after a flurry of kendo stick strikes. Then MIRYOKO – clad in a kimono with the likeness of Billy Hollywood on it – came out from the back to aid in the forthcoming destruction of Leche, all while Hollywood beamed from ear to ear from atop his perch, exclaiming that this was, indeed, the very best Christmas ever! And, on the surface, it appeared to be … that is until MIRYOKO attacked his own Ninjas with a concealed steel baton and then removed his mask to reveal … KYLE WALKER?!?!?

“I wanted both of you to know that who ever wins that title at Resolution is in my sights!” smiled Walker, signaling to Helga, leading to her lifting a struggling Hollywood above her head in press slam position. “Merry fucking Christmas, Billy, and remember what happens when you fuck with a Walker. DO IT.” With that Helga dropped Billy from the scaffold, sending him crashing through a table at ringside, rendering him a crumpled heap amidst broken TV monitors and table splinters! Walker then brought his face inches away from Leche, who was struggling to get up, fighting to catch his breath. “Looks like I had the balls to take the fight to MIRYOKO and Billy that you never had, huh? So just think what I’ll do to you, Juan, if you win. Train hard and Happy Holidays!” sneered Walker, dropping the mic on Leche’s chest and strutting back to the locker rooms. Holy rogue agent Walker!!

David DaVinci was back this week, having recruited a new partner in his quest for revenge against Da Busch Boyz, who injured the knee of his partner Rhodey Colosso two months back. The partner in question turned out to be Danny Dynamite of Fusion Dojo fame and what a partner he turned out to be, his speed and amazing dropkick ability the perfect compliment to the power of DaVinci! This was a real fight but Da Boyz were clearly gassed early, struggling to keep up with their far better conditioned opponents. Da Busch Boyz new hip hop recording contract may be lining their pockets with green but the bling bling lifestyle that goes along with it has severely hampered their game, resulting in noticeable weight gain and an overall lack of focus! Couple that with the Herculean amounts of champagne they put down at the Christmas party and you have a victory for DaVinci and Dynamite via superkick, leading to much arguing after the match between Da Boyz and their manager Master P!

Paddy Baker can hold his liquor as well as just about anyone, so you know when he gets sloppy drunk he’s probably had enough to float a tugboat. This was the case at Friday’s Christmas party and, since this was an unusually pleasant drunk (he’s usually arguing about Boston area sports teams or picking fights, or both) Gilbert Theunk took the opportunity to explain why he stole the Mid-Continental Heavyweight Championship from him. Basically, Theunk was pretty broken up about his pop’s death and felt the Bruisers had lessened the importance of his life’s work by warring with La Cosa Nostra. Theunk explained that he thought the right thing to do was hold a series of Mid-Continental title bouts in his father’s name, as this title was won by his father several times and those reigns were cherished moments in his career. Baker agreed, they both wept openly and talked about their favorite Virgil Theunk memories late into the night, closing the party with their arms around their shoulders and Baker vowing to start the Mid-Continental defenses this Saturday, against Gilbert.

But, as it turns out, Baker really wasn’t interested in giving Theunk a competitive match, possibly faking how drunk he was to lure him into a fight and then just stretching the fuck out of him for fifteen plus minutes before defeating him with the ultimate ego killer: the body slam. Baker confirmed the ruse afterwards, calling out Sean Gabriel and putting the boots to Theunk for his theft of the belt, all while saying he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about his old man and that if he didn’t want to die he shouldn’t have smoked two packs a day! This little bout of retribution was broken up by La Cosa Nostra and Paradigm, who, upon sensing an opportunity to beat some Bruiser ass, stormed the ring and did just that!

But Paradigm provided the biggest shock of all once the Bruisers were rendered helpless, La Cosa Nostra standing over them in full-on gloat. Grabbing a chair from the outside he proceeded to interrupt their post match beat down speech of dominance with a beat down of his own, shouting that he was done being their bitch, that he was ready to begin his legacy right then and there! Wisely he did not wait around to gloat, perhaps sensing other La Cosa Nostra goons yet unrevealed that may be lurking, pulling one more surprise by grabbing the Mid-Continental title AND the arm of Gilbert Theunk and taking off through the crowd! Jesus, talk about a night of surprises!

The main event this week was easily the biggest that’s ever been on the show and we all have Stuart Robinson and beer to thank for it. With the office party in full swing Spunk, Tommy Fiero and Brian Lee crashed the proceedings, first rendering the hotel lobby a mess in typical rock and roll fashion and then making everyone really uncomfortable at the party itself by playing “I’m not touching you” while holding their fingers inches away from their noses. When that got boring Brian Lee and Tommy Fiero busied themselves with trying to pick up the underage daughters of some of the office workers, swearing that someone must have dropped acid in their drinks last week and that was why they attacked those fans. “Dude, I could have sworn the front row had machetes, I never would have hurt anyone otherwise … so you wanna get Fiero’ed up?” said Fiero to one girl who couldn’t have been much older than 16.

Spunk took the opportunity to stand atop the food table, kicking the punch bowl out of the way and giving a speech about how he had changed the industry and was going to change it again, taking time out between pauses to flick pennies at the ring crew. Just as he started to point out all the shortcomings of each and every wrestler in attendance an inebriated Stuart Robinson stumbled to the front of the crowd and laughed, declaring he had finally found Spunk and that there was no way he was going to dodge him this time, all while fumbling with a Zippo lighter and a can of Aquanet. Just before Stu could do something he would most likely really regret a WILD lawyer jumped in front of him and a laughing Spunk, shouting that physical violence would void his contract! Dejected, Stu then challenged Spunk to a match and surprisingly it was accepted!

Okay, so like I said, HUGE main event, with security brought out at ringside as a precaution and Tommy Lee and LRI banned from the arena, insuring that Spunk and Stuart Robinson would go one on one and this one-sided dispute would finally be resolved! Turns out the match was kind of one-sided as well, with Stuart opening up a gash on Spunk’s forehead really early courtesy of a razor hidden in his glove. The ref caught a glimmer of the weapon and forced Stu to remove his gloves, but the damage had been done, as torrents of the krovvy krovvy streamed down into Spunk’s eyes; we’re talking Muta .9 here folks.

Stu enjoyed the advantage for a good five minutes, keeping his distance with long-range strikes until making the mistake of applying a submission hold, which allowed Spunk to grab hold of Stu’s hair with one hand, raining punches on his face with the other while holding his bloody death mask of a face just inches from Stu’s, growling “You got yer match, what are ya gonna DO WITH IT!?!” Stu struggle free, leaving a wad of hair in Spunk’s fist, which he actually used to plug the wound, stopping the blood and sending the match clearly back in his favor. From there on out it was kicks ahoy, Spunk raining them down with intensity, Stu doing his best to work the legs in an attempt to take this very important part of Spunk’s offense away.

But in the end Spunk’s offense was just too much, and with Stu barely able to stand after taking dozens of tree crushing kicks to the ribs Spunk raised him over his shoulder, taking a few moments to bask in the jeers, and scattered cheers (some coming from fans bearing CERBERUS signs) before driving him into the mat with the MF-1 and making the cover. “There’s your fucking conspiracy theory!” let out Spunk angrily after the match, appearing extremely annoyed with the entire experience as he made his way to the back …

1) Melancholia [shaDow O/ eDo] ~12:33 Suicide Bomb~ Zombi II [Zombi I X/ Zombi II]

2) Aleks Dodstva ~25:06 Avalanche Hold~ Fat Lip

3) Ninja Express [Ninja I/ Ninja II O] ~23:22 Touch of Death~ Juan Leche X/ Lorenzo Llamas

4) David DaVinci/ Danny Dynamite O ~25:15 Super Kick~ Da Busch Boyz [Duz Busch/ Raz Busch X]

5) MID-CONTINENTAL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
(C) Paddy Baker ~17:27 High Angle Bodyslam~ Gilbert Theunk {3rd Successful Defense}

6) Spunk ~11:56 MF-1~ Stuart Robinson