WILD Saturday Night #8

It seems that no matter how violent and gory The Zombis get in their matches they continue to get invited back to participate on Saturday Night, which says a lot about the booking on this program. Just two weeks ago they terrified poor emo convert shaDow (the former indie darling DiNk, now burdened with the world’s misery as he trudges towards adulthood. awwwwww) by ripping large chunks of flesh from partner Rodrigo Jorge and then stuffing him in a coffin after the match! I wish I were making this up …

Would-be victims Survival Joe and Randy Scrimps were trotted out to face the slavering undead duo this time around and wound up doing little more than dodge the gnashing fangs of this slavering undead duo. When it became clear that Survival Joe’s monster-fighting skills might just prevent any rending of the flesh by the walking dead the bloodthirsty fans turned on this match, pelting the ring and those within it with sodas, hotdogs and other barely edible items from the concession stand.

This served to anger the mysterious cloaked Zombie Master, who started a voodoo fire outside the ring that somehow gave his minions extra power, extra power that nearly broke through the defenses of poor Joe and Randy! All would have been lost had it not been for the timely appearance of young shaDow and sullen partner of the gathering dark eDo (formerly Tomohiro Ito, who also turned goth recently for unknown reasons), who stormed the ring brandishing crosses and holy water, providing just enough of a distraction to allow the living an escape. Poor referee Gen Hirayama had no choice but to throw the match out, taking time out after to admonish shaDow and eDo for their poor choice of weaponry.

A short time after shaDow and eDo explained their reasons for interfering (something about them being so ensconced in the ebon folds of despair that only they can see the walking dead for what they truly are … the walking dead.) the mysterious Zombie Master reluctantly packed his shambling corpses back into their coffins and escorted them to the back via ox-drawn cart, leaving shaDow to wait for his opponent in the first match of the WILD Junior Heavyweight title tournament! Nice segue, huh?

Anyways, said opponent wound up being the extremely confident Billy Hollywood, accompanied by manager Lou Hoffman and watched from the back entrance by ubermodel MIRYOKO. They say they’re just friends but they’re not really fooling anyone. Personally, I think they make a good couple. I know, I know, ewwwww …

This sentiment was pretty much shared by young shaDow, who took umbrage with the constant barrage of moves involving junk to the face. In fact, shaDow got so worked up by the relentless tea-bagging that he got angrier than anyone would have thought possible for a mopey douche who listens to way too many Cure albums. This anger thoroughly frightened Hollywood so much it probably would have cost him the match had the events of the previous match not reared their ugly head.

Turns out the Zombi attack on Rodrigo Jorge two weeks ago wound up being too much for him, resulting in his demise and return as the World’s First Capoeira Zombie! Set loose by his evil Zombie Master, Jorge Zombi made a beeline for shaDow’s ring second eDo, nearly removing a large chunk of his shoulder with his teeth. Only young shaDow’s keen eye prevented tragedy, but, while he warned his partner of impending doom, he left himself open to attack by Hollywood, who downed shaDow with the Danshoku Driver. Post-match, Billy Hollywood celebrated his advancing in the tournament with MIRYOKO and Lou Hoffman by prancing around the fallen shaDow while eDo fought off the chomping Capoeira Zombi in what can only be described as a thoroughly surreal WILD moment …

Next, it was MIRYOKO’s turn to prove himself in the WILD Jr. Tourney against indie legend Hando. This one was surprisingly lopsided given how smooth MIRYOKO has looked in WILD rings so far, with Hando avoiding the deadly palm strikes of his opponent with ease and using an astonishing mix of high flying moves and slick pinning holds to keep the upper-hand. Hando’s quick victory via Delfin backbreaker sent MIRYOKO crying into the arms of Billy Hollywood and it’s rumored they plan on proving to the league office that Hando’s supposed splicing of frog DNA with his own gave him an unfair advantage in this match. Good luck with that one, fellas …

Earlier in the week La Cosa Nostra and Paradigm appeared on Pro Wrestling Weekly to discuss several issues with crack wrestling reporter Jerry Rig, chief among which was their escalating feud with new WILD World Tag Team Champions The Celtic Bruisers. While they refused to admit to the theft of the Mid-Continental Heavyweight Title on the last episode of WILD Saturday Night, they didn’t even attempt to hide their joy at the situation, all while proclaiming that they were ready to beat the Bruisers for the belts to prove they are the best tag team in all the land.

But then, while Paradigm was boasting about how easily he would take the Junior Heavyweight crown, the interview was interrupted by none other than Ronnie Dod and Aleks Dodstva, who said they were sick and tired of beating scrubs on Saturdays and feel THEY are the next in line for a tag team title shot! The ensuing brawl was broken up through no small amount of effort and it was decided shortly thereafter to let these two forces of nature prove just who is the better team: TONIGHT!

Which leads us to the fourth match of the night, Zannino and Briggs of La Cosa Nostra squaring off against The Dods in a tag match that wound up being about as good as it gets, anywhere! Before the bout La Cosa Nostra mouthpiece Raymond Bianco Jr. informed the crowd that he was so confident the Bruisers would do everything in their power to avoid defending the belts against them that he and his boys took the precaution of “keeping Baker and Gabriel at home”, whatever that means. Don’t want to think they did the unthinkable but we can only hope they want the titles so bad they didn’t actually harm the Bruisers. Cross your fingers, folks!

Turns out the Dods didn’t need the Bruisers’ aid. Ronnie Dod was king-sized here, allowing protégé Aleks just enough opportunity in the ring so as not to give the Italians an opening. Dod absorbed huge amounts of punishment and dealt it back in kind, leaving Briggs and Zannino a bloody mess, but still fighting mad! The last ten minutes was little more than a mad scramble as Ronnie’s pin attempts were repeatedly broken up until, finally, Aleks was able to break past human roadblock, referee Martin Roeg, to knock Zannino out of the ring, allowing Dod to score the pin with a stretch bomb on Briggs! Solid win for the Dods, who stand to make the Celtic Bruisers tag title reign a short one! That is, you know, if they aren’t “taking a dirt nap”.

Continuing the junior title tourney we had Kyle Walker, who has done nothing but impress in his first year as a pro, go up against very dangerous Fusion Dojo star Kikkoman. Possibly the best match of the night depending on what you look for in a wrestling match (if you prefer zombies and emo fags this would probably place second), this one saw Kikkoman look deadly beyond even the standard he has set in his previous two WILD matches. He hit Walker with all of his best moves and scored several near falls, but somehow the rookie held on, showing that famous Walker resolve. Eschewing wrestling moves, Walker chose to counter the assault with punches and elbows, a strategy that worked, really knocking Kikkoman for a loop and enabling him to get a flash pin to advance to the next round.

Finally, in the main event, WILD Junior Veteran and arguably the company’s most exciting star Juan Leche took on “Saturday Night Mastermind” Paradigm in the final junior title tournament quarterfinal. It was expected that La Cosa Nostra members would be littering the outside of the ring to assist their partner but after the beating they took at the hands of the Dods only the lowly Joe Doe was present. I’ll have to pass on the tragic tale of Doe for another time, but rest assured, it’s one that will break your heart. Let’s just say his success as ring second for Paradigm would go a long way towards helping his status within La Cosa Nostra and leave it at that.

But onto the action: Paradigm looked golden here, not needing the aid of La Cosa Nostra in the least, using an array of DDT’s, suplexes and STF’s to pummel and stretch Leche to the brink of defeat. So in charge of the action was Paradigm that he took the time to brag about his success, repeating his T-Shirt’s catchphrase over and over while taunting the fans, all while the nervous Joe Doe broke into a cold sweat and meekly suggested that Paradigm hurry up.

Predictably the stalling and heel braggadocio allowed Leche a window back into the match, turning this one from one-sided squash into a legitimate competition. But even after Leche hit a string of dynamic high-flying moves it was clear some very serious damage had already been done, as he had to take time to recover after nearly every move. The final moments came shortly after hitting a hurracanrana that deposited Paradigm in the center of the ring, leaving Leche tired and breathing hard near the ropes right where Doe was standing. For whatever reason Doe hesitated to strike the extremely vulnerable Paradigm and, when he finally grabbed a chair and lifted it over his head to apply the killing blow, referee Martin Roeg caught him in the act!

With the ref distracted, Paradigm then made his move, rising and advancing on Leche only to have one more obstacle thrown in his path; Gilbert Theunk, recently slid into the ring and brandishing a metal briefcase! Shocked and given no time to react, Paradigm was felled with one mighty swing, allowing Leche to take advantage with a British Fall and a quick cover just as the referee turned around from chewing out Joe Doe! The three-count was, as they say, academic, advancing Leche to the semis against Kyle Walker. Meanwhile, Joe Doe openly wept at the defeat of Paradigm while Theunk taunted the pair of them from outside the ring. We still don’t know what La Cosa Nostra did with the Bruisers but it would appear they made a huge mistake by not including Gilbert Theunk in the “fun”!

1) Zombigeddon [Zombi I O/ Zombie II] ~5:36 Disqualification!~ Survival Joe/ Randy Scrimps

2) WILD JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT – QUARTERFINALS
Billy Hollywood ~14:02 Danshoku Driver~ shaDow

3) WILD JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT – QUARTERFINALS
Hando ~10:54 Delfin Backbreaker > Delfin Clutch~ MIRYOKO

4) Ronnie Dod O/ Aleks Dodstva ~28:52 Stretch Bomb~ La Cosa Nostra [Ted Zannino/ Rick Briggs X]

5) WILD JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT – QUARTERFINALS
Kyle Walker ~16:58 Flying Rolling Pin~ Kikkoman

6) WILD JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT – QUARTERFINALS
Juan Leche ~15:32 British Fall~ Paradigm