WILD Saturday Night #9

A huge show kicked off with a match featuring the talent-enhancing skills of Bret Stillman and Jay Gold, and what a match it was! Okay, it really wasn’t that great, downright snooze inducing depending on who you ask, but there were lots of finisher quality moves used with wild abandon by Jay Gold, and that’s what you kids like, right? It took two powerbombs, three double-arm DDT’s and three final answers to put away Stillman, who is still trying to claw his way from “plucky underdog” to “moderately competitive”. Keep trying kid, you’ll get there!

Right after the first match we got word that Bingo 1 superstar JD Delphin had arrived at the arena and was eagerly looking forward to catching some WILD Saturday Night action! However it seems he was having a bit of difficulty getting from the back to the arena floor, despite being given concise directions by senior janitor Scrubby Hardbristle! Unfortunately Scrubby, a ripple-soused bluesman in his off time, can be a bit hard to understand so poor JD missed the second match after wandering into the boiler room and accidentally locking himself in.

And boy did he miss some fun, in the form of some kind of Zombi recruiting seminar being led by none other than the mysterious cloaked Zombie Master himself! Amazingly some fans were actually being lured in by the promise of eternal life (not caring about the whole mindless automaton and endless hunger for human flesh thing, apparently) and began filing into the ring to be inducted into the cult! Just as a trio of witless rasslin’ fans were about to be “converted” at the hands of Capoeira Zombi, Zombi I and II salvation came in the form of shaDow and eDo!! God Bless those emo kids, although they still aren’t quite sure how to fight the evil Zombi menace, as evidenced by the wolfsbane necklaces and silver daggers they wore…

Surprisingly an all-out brawl did not spring forth from this interruption, with the Zombie Master instead taking the opportunity to ask shaDow to face one of his Zombi horde!! “It is time for us to put aside our misconceptions about the undead, to realize that they have the right to compete just like the living!” implored the Zombie Master. And even though this was all probably said to gain more “disciples” for the cult, shaDow still decided after some brief soul searching that perhaps he had been too hasty in ridding the world of the undead, that maybe they were hurting inside just as deeply as he, and decided to grant the Zombie Master’s minion a match. We operate on many levels of compassion here, folks.

So Zombi I was chosen to fight shaDow, although it really wasn’t much of a wrestling match, your usual Zombi fare actually with the living participant doing his best to avoid being bitten by the undead one. (Some habits are hard to break, it seems) shaDow is of nimble stock though, and managed to avoid having his flesh eaten while working towards victory via small package hold, but the real drama happened outside the ring! You see, while his partner was battling inside the ring eDo was attacked by Zombi I and Capoeira Zombi, who had broken free from their bonds!

Doom surely would have befallen poor eDo had it not been for the efforts of a timely crowd jumper, clad in a cloak, leather body armor and a hockey mask! In a flash it looked like this portion of the Zombi menace would be extinguished forever, as he jumped in between them and eDo, forced them back a couple of feet with a well-placed boot to the chest and then prepared to deliver the coup de grace with a handheld pick axe! But then, just as this weapon was being brought home to rest in the skull of Capoeira Zombi the Zombie Master dove in to the rescue, taking the spike in his shoulder!! WILD Security was on the scene seconds later, dragging both sides away while the horribly injured Zombie Master ranted on and on about the rights of the living impaired …

Although the last match probably had enough excitement to carry you all over for the rest of the week WILD Saturday Night pressed on with tag team action! It seems Tommy Fiero was so disgusted with the 0-3 performance of his lackey Biff Mongo in the VWA’s Pure Sport League – where he had been entered to weed out those not sympathetic to Fiero’s cause – he ordered him to “grow a pair” on Saturday Nights! Left to his own devices, Mongo promptly got himself booked against the returning Busch Boyz (d’oh!), back from a recording engagement in the Big Apple. When told by WILD management he would need a partner the multiply concussed former hockey goon Mongo then sought out the services of Survival Joe (double d’oh!), his reasoning being that if he is tough enough to fight monsters then he is tough enough to fight Da Busch Boyz.

The match itself wound up being better than you might have thought, but that may have had something to do with the bling-bling lifestyle Da Boyz brought back with them from NYC, in the form of big booty hoes feeding them caviar smeared fat back and Ciscane (Cisco, Cristal Champagne and Grapefruit Juice; no, I don’t know why they’d drink such a foul concoction) throughout the match. Holla! The excess allowed Mongo and Joe way more offense than they might have normally gotten, but Da Boyz are not stupid, and ended this one the moment they started to appear disadvantaged, with big Duz taking down Joe with an original STO.

It has been pretty well documented that MIRYOKO was more than a little upset at losing in the first round of the WILD Junior Heavyweight title tournament, so this week he decided to inflate his sagging ego by offering a shot of his Southeastern Junior Heavyweight Championship to the winner of a four man elimination match. Given that the title in question is of limited prestige the only reason we can come up with for anyone going for it is the opportunity to beat the shit out of prissy MIRYOKO. Whatever the reason, dozens of competitors from around the independent scene reportedly lined up to take part in this match, but only 50 Centavos, Wataru Araya, Lorenzo Llamas and Danny Dynamite were chosen. When asked why he picked these four, MIRYOKO only winked and giggled.

So, with Billy Hollywood at his side to provide commentary (and ogle the competitors … okay, mostly ogle the competitors.) these four exciting juniors had themselves a match that wowed all in attendance with a bevy of death-defying moves. Lorenzo Llamas proved to be the stoutest of all, however, eliminating all three men all by his lonesome through a combination of pure athleticism and trickery. After the match MIRYOKO and Hollywood congratulated the victor by inappropriately fondling him in the center of the ring, causing Lorenzo to back off, explaining in a thick Cuban accent: “Hay mang, I may be a leetle frooty but chu guyz are SEEK.” Insulted, MIRYOKO brought down the wrath with his Ninja Security Force, leaving the #1 contender to the Southeastern Junior Heavyweight title in a crumpled heap in the middle of the ring.

We got word from backstage after this match that JD Delphin was freed from the boiler room after Scrubby Hardbristle wandered past and heard his frantic pounding on the door! Scrubby then tried to give more concise directions but JD would have none of it, ignoring him and finding his way to the laundry rooms. There, he asked for directions to the arena floor from a vapid, teen-aged member on a smoke break from Corny’s Stuff On A Stick, who, in stoner speak, explained that JD had to “go down that hallway, go down, go down, ummmmm, go down some more, and go left, and it’s right there.” Unfortunately these less than stellar directions wound up leading JD back out to the parking lot …

Next up was a backstage interview with Gilbert Theunk, who has been quite a thorn in the side of Paradigm and La Cosa Nostra as of late! Booked against Paradigm one-on-one this week, Theunk vowed to once and for all to make his opponent pay for what he did to his father (deceased legend Virgil Theunk) while sending a warning to La Cosa Nostra by making an example of their golden boy. When asked what was in the contents of the steel briefcase handcuffed to his wrist, Theunk just winked and smiled before saying it was something that will bring La Cosa Nostra to its knees!

This led to another backstage segment (WEEEE!) with La Cosa Nostra mouthpiece Raymond Bianco Jr. telling Paradigm that he needs to distract Theunk long enough so that Joey Knuckles can get his hands on that briefcase AND take a dive! This last bit really riled Paradigm up, but he was calmly told that he is favored in Vegas to win this match against newcomer Theunk by a large margin, and losing would go a long way towards paying back his rather sizable debt to La Cosa Nostra. Paradigm agreed, leaving for the arena in a huff, most likely realizing that he will probably be in debt to these guys for the rest of his life …

After all this we finally got some wrestling and it did not disappoint! Not more than a few seconds after Theunk securely fastened his briefcase to the ringside railing he and Paradigm tore into each other and put on a classic in the process! Paradigm did good on the first task assigned to him by Bianco Jr., as the action was so intense Theunk could only focus on the task at hand or be destroyed, allowing Joey Knuckles to sever the handcuff chain with a hacksaw and steal away with the coveted briefcase.

Unfortunately for Paradigm his competitive spirit prevented him from fulfilling his second task: taking a dive. Theunk’s combination of nasty London street fighting and mat wrestling finally pushed Paradigm over the edge, triggering an instinctual survival mode that resulted in his fighting back with a fury, spiking Theunk with a cradle piledriver and getting the win with a Northern Lights Suplex Hold. Almost immediately after the bell rung Paradigm realized what he had done though, the look of terror on his face saying it all: that the contents of that briefcase had better be something monumental.

The booking committee (read: me) struggled to find a suitable main event this week, as the originally planned segment/bout was unable to gain approval due to a dropped IM. Oh well, the booking committee (read: me) is nothing if not adaptable and after much pondering (extra cup of coffee) a suitable replacement was conceived, proving once again that the WILD booking committee (read: me) is worth its weight in Triscuits.

So what we got was the bread and butter of Saturday Night: Tag Team action! With Ronnie Dod and Aleks Dodstva facing The Celtic Bruisers this Sunday, thus proving that there really is a pot of gold at the end of the tag team rainbow on Saturday Nights, teams have been lining up to prove they are just as capable as anyone to challenge for tag gold. This week Ted Zannino and Rick Briggs of La Cosa Nostra stepped up to prove their salt against The Lawgivers: Wild Bill and El Justiciero.

Not surprisingly the winless Lawgivers offered little in the way of competition, looking good here and there but ultimately spending way too much time pointing out all the rule infractions to the referee. Considering their opponents are mafia thugs you can just imagine how much time was spent tugging on the shirt of ref Gen Hirayama and whining about eye pokes and closed fist punches. And while Zannino and Briggs were dominating in the ring, Paradigm stood watch over Joey Knuckles while he was trying, unsuccessfully, to open the metal briefcase with a sledgehammer.

Predictably Gilbert Theunk tried to steal back the briefcase but was stopped by Paradigm, resulting in a brawl outside the ring so violent it sent Knuckles to the relative safety of the opposite side, clutching the briefcase to his chest. Seeing the disturbance, La Cosa Nostra made quick work of their opponents, downing Wild Bill with a spike piledriver, and marched to the aid of Paradigm. All appeared extremely grim for young Theunk until The Celtic Bruisers, thought to be off training for their big tag team title match this Sunday, ran out from the back to aid Theunk!

Mayhem ensued, with all six men battling in and out of the ring, using chairs, the ring bell, the barricade, tables, microphone wire, you name it in an attempt to END their foes! So violent was the fighting that not even WILD security dared step in, instead standing off near the entrance until the guys tired each other out! Sensing an opportunity to win the favor of La Cosa Nostra, the deeply indebted Joey Knuckles then stepped into the fray, swinging the metal briefcase high above his head and smacking Paddy Baker over the back with it!

What followed was, in a word, shocking! After having battered the case for the last ten minutes with a sledgehammer, Knuckles had weakened the clasp enough so that all it took was one good strike on an angry Irishman to open it, spilling its contents to the mat for all to see … the Mid-Continental Heavyweight Championship! Yes kids, Gilbert Theunk was the thief all along, but what was his motivation? Much as we’d love to know, that would have to wait for another week, for the second the briefcase’s contents became known he hightailed it through the crowd, leaving both the Celtic Bruisers AND La Cosa Nostra stunned!

Oh yeah, about twenty minutes after the end of the show JD Delphin made his way into the arena, finally, escorted by a member of the ring crew just as the last fan filed out. He stood for a long moment in disbelief then angrily threw down his program, jumbo soda and popcorn before storming off. Oh well, at least he knows how to get here for next week’s show, right?



1) Jay Gold ~16:29 Final Answer~ Bret Stillman

2) shaDow ~10:54 Small Package Hold~ Zombi I

3) Da Busch Boyz [Raz Busch/ Duz Busch O] ~20:34 Original STO~ Biff Mongo/ Survival Joe X

4) Lorenzo Llamas won a Four Man Elimination Match
Lorenzo Llamas ~13:27 Llama Driver~ Danny Dynamite
Lorenzo Llamas ~16:27 Samurai Driver ’84 (Araya) > Barmian Stamp ~ 50 Centavos
Lorenzo Llamas ~20:04 Superkick~ Wataru Araya

5) Paradigm ~20:37 Northern Lights Suplex Hold~ Gilbert Theunk

6) La Cosa Nostra [Ted Zannino O/ Rick Briggs] ~15:52 Spike Piledriver~ The Lawgivers [Wild Bill X/ El Justiciero]