WILD Saturday Night #3

There must be something in the water at the WILD Arena because competitors with no prior history with each other have been tearing each other apart every week! The first match of the night continued that trend, as crusty, old rudo Pedro Guterez brought out the worst in clean-cut Bret Stillman. He did this by giving Stillman a nasty headbutt early on, opening a sizable gash above his forehead that he continued to widen by biting and digging his un-manicured fingernails into the wound!

In an attempt to survive Stillman abandoned his “work-the-leg-to-set-up-the-figure-four” strategy, even taking Guterez out of the ring for some rule breakin’ action! But it was too little too late as Guterez, unbound by the same rules he is forced to abide by in MPLL, gleefully used a pair of jumping piledrivers to get the win. The post-modern art made by the impact of a bloody head being drilled into the mat was just icing on the cake …

Lawman Wild Bill was back again this week with a new partner - El Justiciero - and more determined than ever to make sure WILD athletic contests are run without incident! To insure this he first deputized El Justiciero and then took five minutes instructing referee Martin Roeg on the finer points of professional wrestling officiating. This tutorial seemed to have worked (although the fans were a bit pissed at the delay), that is until late in the tag match that followed.

Seems Bill got a little frustrated with his inability to do much of anything against meat cannon Havok and his speedy pin-breaking-up partner 50 Centavos, resorting to the use of a sledge hammer on Havok to get the edge! Needless to say Roeg did his profession proud by not seeing a damn thing (distracted by teenage girls) but 50 Centavos sure did, and the match ran out of time as heated debate that had a bunch of trouble clearing the language barrier dominated the final moments.

She-bully Cynthia San Martino finally got hers this week in tag action as Tiger Girl 2 and Tigress Mask came out unified and focused, chasing her out of the ring very early on! San Martino’s partner Azumi Oonishi didn’t fare much better, barely giving her partner enough time to recover and mount a second offensive. In fact it wasn’t enough time, as San Martino submitted via chicken wing arm lock to Tigress Mask, who was polite enough not to rub the win into the face of the woman who humiliated her the week before.

But we found out that San Martino is about as honorable in defeat as she has been in victory, which is to say “not at all”. While rubbing some feeling back into her arm she cussed out poor Oonishi, calling her weak and dim-witted and then, when not satisfied with the clueless look she got as a response (Oonishi doesn’t speak English, or at least pretends not to), proceeded to stomp her into the mat! Jesus, what in the hell is this chick’s problem? Tiger Force for the save, yada yada yada …

Last week saw Rhodey Colosso and David DaVinci take down the Busch Boyz in tag action but at a hefty price, as Raz Busch re-injured Colosso’s knee by swinging a padlocked chain into it. This week was all about revenge, as Sicilian body builder DaVinci sought to give Raz his comeuppance! Which he did, but it sure wasn’t easy, as for every lariat he threw (and there were a lot!) Raz had a strike to the groin at the ready. Now you would think taking multiple shots to the gonads would impair just about anyone, but somehow DaVinci was able to trudge through the punishment, perhaps speaking volumes about how he got his physique in the first place.

Duz Busch was on the outside and helping out as well, as was crutches bound Colosso, who spent most of his time hobbling about trying to prevent Duz from tossing chairs in the ring when the referee wasn’t watching. The whole thing was pretty fucking funny actually, that is until DaVinci submitted Raz with a latch lock, prompting Duz to switch focus to the big lug that was chasing him, tripping him with microphone cord and then slamming home the ringside steps to his good knee! Oh the humanity! DaVinci rushed to the aid of his wailing partner while those vile Busch Boyz laughed all the way to the back. Bastards!

On their way to the ring for the fifth match of the evening Kyle Walker could be heard excitedly warning partners Juan Leche and Matt D about the dangers of their opponents: VWA Six-Man Tag Team champions Nippon Hou Hou Chi^Mu (Japan Fashion Team as crudely translated through an array of sources). He mentioned bizarre fashion model MIRYOKO in particular as being far more vicious than his effete appearance would suggest, not to mention the mysterious ninja that flank him at all times (Ninja Express, sporting the always fashionable basic black). Leche smiled in response to all of this and patted him on the head but said he wasn’t in the least bit worried.

Turns out he should have been, as the Ninjas tagged in and out several times without the referee’s knowledge while MIRYOKO did serious damage with a variety of chops and palm strikes. True to form Walker exploded with rage at seeing his team losing and went into hero mode, driving back the Ninja threat and getting several near falls on MIRYOKO before wearing himself out, getting a stitch and succumbing to a Ninja I abdominal nerve hold. Then MIRYOKO modeled some new stirrups and pissed a lot of beer-drinkin’, pork rind eatin’, pro rasslin’ fans off.

Next up WILD TV Champ Sit Kwok Fu fought for the honor of old wrestlers everywhere against Paradigm in a non-title bout. Of course Paradigm protested, saying he was being denied the right to start his title collection, but this here match was about respect, or rather teaching Paradigm to have some for his elders.

This was a furiously fast-paced match that could have gone either way but didn’t, as Kwok Fu went against type by braining Paradigm with a chair on the outside and finished him off with a powerbomb. After taking some time to recover Paradigm leapt up and went on a rant, saying that this was what was wrong with WILD, that a law breaking miscreant like Kwok Fu holds titles while a purist, a student of “WRESTLING” gets labeled a bad guy! He continued to say that even when he uses the enemies tactics he is branded an even viler villain, and that he just can’t get a break!

A gruff voice came over the house PA in response. “But one thing we Bruisers will never do is beat down an old man with cancer, and that’s why you’re gonna get yours!” Out came Paddy Baker walking alongside Virgil Theunk, who in just a week’s time already appears to have lost a good ten-twenty pounds. But despite this he was still smiling, perhaps because of the hair clippers he held in his hand! Paradigm eyed them and tried to leave the ring, only to find all sides blocked; to the right stood Sean Gabriel, to the left Sit Kwok Fu and behind him, despite injuries incurred at the hands of Dan Sommers, Angelo Sabatini!

Paradigm dropped to his knees and begged for mercy but was told by Baker that he would get none, that he was going to find out what it’s like to go through chemotherapy! All sides closed on Paradigm and his arms were held back, his head held prone and the clippers fired up. Paradigm struggled mightily against the odds but couldn’t free himself, not without help anyways …

And help came, three men with slicked back hair, clad in tracksuits and sporting concrete filled rubber hoses, completely surprising the Bruisers with a swift beating that left the audience in shock! Realizing surprise would only take them so far against superior numbers these, these GOOMBAHS grabbed a surprised but grateful Paradigm and fled towards the back! I almost don’t want to write it until it’s been confirmed but … has Paradigm enlisted the aid of the mob? Christ!

Believe it or not there was a main event after what transpired and it was a big one! Confident that Aleks Dodstva was ready to take the next stop towards Dodination of his foes, Ronnie Dod asked the WILD booking committee to schedule them against anyone they saw fit in tag team action. But while walking to the ring that confidence quickly turned to uncertainty when they saw their opponents: Pure Technical Fuckin’ Wrestling’s Martin Fairbairn and Park Young Tae!

Big fighting erupted almost immediately and Ronnie clearly got the worst of his exchange with Martin, winding up bloodied and exhausted. The “green” Dodstva fared much better than his tutor, proving, at least in this match, that he was the better-conditioned athlete, holding up his end in the ring and saving Ronnie’s skin more than a few times.

But when it came time for Ronnie to return the favor he couldn’t be counted on, as he supported his weight by draping himself over the top rope, breathing heavily while “encouraging” Aleks to hang in there against Young-Tae, that he would find an opening in his blistering martial arts attack soon. Unfortunately he couldn’t, and Dodstva wound up getting pinned with a school boy roll up in the middle of the ring, a situation that Ronnie might have been able to make a save on had he felt like budging a muscle. Dodstva did not look happy after the match, looking sullen and refusing to exchange anything more than one word responses with Dod, who kept trying to tell him “learning to lose is an important part of your training!”

1) Pedro Guterez ~15:08 Martinete~ Bret Stillman

2) 50 Centavos/ Havok ~30:00 Time-Up Draw!~ El Justiciero/ Wild Bill

3) Tiger Girl 2/ Tigress Mask O ~16:20 Chicken Wing Armlock~ Cynthia San Martino X/ Azumi Oonishi

4) David DaVinci ~23:53 Macaroni Vice~ Raz Busch

5) Nippon Hou Hou Chi^Mu [MIRYOKO/ Ninja I O/ Ninja II] ~20:04 Abdominal Asiatic Spike~ Juan Leche/ Kyle Walker X/ Matt D

6) Sit Kwok Fu ~15:25 Powerbomb~ Paradigm

7) Martin Fairbairn/ Park Young-Tae O ~27:26 School Boy~ Ronnie Dod/ Aleks Dodstva X