WILD Saturday Night #11

WILD Saturday Night returned this week after the holiday break with another crazy show that had its producers pulling their hair out for fear the censors will pull the plug on the program! Yes, it was that insane but then by now the guys that get booked on WILD Saturday Night have come to realize crazy is what gets you noticed by the match makers on Sundays, so you can’t really blame them for letting it all hang out.

Former pro body builder David DaVinci is a prime example of this mindset, having gotten some measure of revenge over Da Busch Boyz at WSN #10 (with the help of new partner Danny Dynamite) but, having gotten a taste of success, not being satisfied, insisting that Dynamite get some time in on a heavyweight in preparation for tag gold! That heavyweight turned out to be lawman Wild Bill who wound up being not much of a challenge for Dynamite, as he focused far more on the illegality of the ringside DaVinci’s generously lathered body oil than his opponent. End result was an extremely perturbed referee who, presumably tired of the incessant snitching, delivered a fast count after a Dynamite frog splash, ending the match. See kids, this is why you don’t snitch like a bitch!

Some pre-match interview fun preceded the next bout, as Duz Busch completely hijacked a Busch Boyz interview to apologize to the fans for being a “fat piece of shit” and then unfurled a long piece of parchment, off of which he began to recite a gigantic amount of New Year’s resolutions, most centered around losing weight and becoming a better wrestler. Sensing that Duz’s newfound commitment to the grappling arts would hamper Da Boyz’s commitment to the rapping arts, manager Master P ripped Duz’s list of resolutions from his hands and closed the segment, but not before the Big Busch was able to announce he would prove his newfound focus against the dangerous bum fighter Bobo Gomez!

That match came up next, with Raz and Master P at ringside to offer what passes for support in Da Busch Boyz camp (crunking with ringside hos and champagne guzzling, mostly) while Duz put forth an erstwhile effort to be the best wrestler he could be. Problem is Bobo has never been one to focus on the technical aspect of the sport and it was only a matter of minutes before the style he perfected fighting bums drew Duz into a heated brawl. The fighting took both men outside where Master P took notice of the brutality of their exchanges and, fearing for the safety of his cash cow, intervened, creating a barrier between Duz and Bobo by tossing hundreds of twenties on the floor which attracted dozens of greedy booty babes.

Rather than fight through a mass of ass Bobo elected to roll back into the ring to beat the twenty count, winning the match. He then grabbed a microphone and said that anytime Duz wants to come out from hiding behind his celebrity he would be glad to fight him again, which Duz agreed to immediately! Master P and Raz tried to talk him out of this decision, but an angry Duz just pushed past them on his way to the back, shouting that he wasn’t messing around when he announced his resolutions earlier!

Many who watched the special holiday themed WSN #10 commented on the heart warming conclusion to the Aleks Dodstva / Fat Lip match that saw the Dods and LRI make nice and go out for drinks after the show. But what wasn’t caught on cameras was what happened after several (dozen) pitchers of cheap lager were consumed at the local watering hole! Apparently the acerbic tongue of Fat Lip was loosened so much that he let fly with a string of insults mocking the Dod’s wrestling ability and then, when this was all taken in jest, Stuart Robinson chimed in with some choice insults about the Dod’s family tree! The last bit was the straw that broke the camel’s back and a wild bar brawl ensued, broken up only after several squads of police used tear gas and tasers to restore order!

After a tense night in the clink both sides vowed to rip the other’s heads off, leading us to tag action this week between Ronnie and Aleks against Stuart and Fat Lip! So much for all that good will built up during the holidays, eh? As you might expect this wasn’t much of a match at all, more a continuation of the bar brawl that got them locked up in the first place leading to a crazy double count out! Once the final bell rang Caleb and Iggy Dod came down to put the finishing touches on Stu and Fat Lip, only to be stopped by a chair waving VD Dod! Wild eyed and shaking with rage, VD held the confused Dods back while Fat Lip and Stuart retreated, leaving the wrestling world wondering if the Dods and LRI have passed the point of no return! Can WILD withstand such a civil war?!?

Another interview segment came next, this time from an undisclosed, completely darkened, location, done so to hide its subjects whereabouts. A voice introduced itself as Paradigm and then went on to explain his actions at WSN #10, saying that he was tired of being used by La Cosa Nostra and decided to sever any ties with them. He then said that he grabbed Gilbert Theunk at the end of the match because of his success at hiding out from the gangsters for nearly two weeks after stealing the Mid-Continental title, not an easy feat considering that when La Cosa Nostra wants to find someone, they usually do.

Paradigm continued by saying he has no desire to interfere with the Bianco Family criminal enterprise, other than to get satisfaction for the escalating high-interest loans that placed him in their back pocket for so long. In order to eliminate his debt Paradigm proposed a match with every member of La Cosa Nostra, once per show, each victory covering a third of his debt, with the final win meaning complete amnesty for himself and Gilbert. As insurance against a double-cross, Paradigm said that he had acquired enough evidence against the Bianco Family to put them away for a very long time, and that it would be safe in the hands of Theunk, ready to be delivered to the authorities at a moments notice!

The challenge was accepted, with Joey Knuckles stepping up to take on Paradigm. Knuckles, by no means a made La Cosa Nostra soldier and considered as deep, if not deeper, in the pocket of the Bianco Family than Paradigm ever was, put on the best fight his ability would allow him but just couldn’t match the fury of Paradigm, who took out months of abuse in just ten short minutes, tapping Knuckles out with the STF and winning back the first part of his freedom in convincing fashion. Paradigm left the ring and into the locker room triumphantly; completely unaware he was being shadowed by Rick Briggs and Ted Zannino, that is until his followers were jumped by Paddy Baker and Sean Gabriel! La Cosa Nostra was laid out with a quickness, leaving Paradigm standing there dumbfounded, appearing ready to offer thanks until the hard stare returned by the Celtic Bruisers convinced him an alliance was not quite ready to be struck.

Next up MIRYOKO made good (finally) on the promised shot at his Southeastern Junior Heavyweight championship, won at WSN #9 by Lorenzo Llamas. The match itself really wasn’t much, with MIRYOKO clearly outclassing Llamas although it was difficult to understand why, given how amazing the latter looked winning his shot at the title in four-way action a month prior. (It was later learned a poisoned dart had been shot into his neck from a Ninja in the audience) But even with MIRYOKO looking kingly in this title defense he still could have lost very easily, as Kyle Walker made his appearance known late, taking advantage of a fallen ref to hit the champ with a jumping elbow to the face so hard it actually knocked the Japanese Uber-model’s protective facemask halfway off!

Llamas made no move to capitalize on this advantage, struggling to get off the mat and then showing extreme difficulty in standing up. Walker did his best to slap some sense into the challenger so that he could take MIRYOKO’s prized title away from him, but to no avail, seconds later being taken down and out of the ring by MIRYOKO’s ever hiding Ninjas, skulking unseen in the crowd. Moments later the champ recovered and scored the pin after a crazy cyclone and then joined his Ninja security team in their assault on Walker.

Surely doom would have befallen the young Walker had the beatings not been prevented by the unlikely appearance of the very same woman who deposited Billy Hollywood so ruthlessly at WSN #10. Yes, Helga Hunkachunk, all 350 pounds of the Swedish Masseuse, came roaring down to clear house, sending the Japanese Fashion Team scurrying and then throwing the prone figures of both Walker and Llamas on her shoulders, taking them to the back for recovery via the healing power of massage. Well, we hope that’s it, poor Kyle has a match tomorrow!

Another huge main event hits Saturday Night this week, this time featuring Pro Wrestling WILD’s very first ever UN-DEATH match! Before I explain what in the hell that is I should preface the action by explaining what got us to this point. At WSN #10 the war between the Zombis and Melancholia (shaDow and eDo) reached a fevered pitch when the muzzled zombies lost convincingly to the not-crippled-by-rigor-mortis emo youngsters, but allowed one of their own (Capoeira Zombie) to escape his bonds, terrorizing dozens as he shambled through the arena on his way to a Dance Dance Revolution machine. No one was hurt, but this was the final straw for Melancholia mentor and professional zombie hunter Augustus Stern, who publicly vowed bloody retribution!

That retribution came over the Christmas break when Capoeira Zombie was found dead, well, lifeless, ummm, inanimate I guess is the word, in the back of a German disco in Berlin, a crossbow bolt imbedded between his eyes. No prints were found on the bolt but it was pretty clear who the main suspect was. Zombi manager Zombie Master held a press conference shortly thereafter, proclaiming that Augustus Stern’s bigotry would not stand, insisting Stern had in fact killed a living, human being who chose to be placed under the spell of the voodoo zombie, much different than the walking undead of popular fiction, which, we all know, can’t possibly exist. Ahem.

And since this is pro wrestling and none of this shit really makes any sense Zombie Master demanded payback not in a court of law but in a wrestling ring, in the violently bloody UN-DEATH match, to prove once and for all that his Zombi charges can be a walking (un) corpse, wrestle and not try to devour their opponents whole, while gaining revenge for their fallen comrade. Stern quickly accepted and added one more stipulation: the loser leaves town! Oddly, the emo douche boys that are Melancholia appeared far less concerned about being involved in a match that involves electrified, exploding barbed wire and timed explosives positioned at head level around the ring than they did about being in a match that could possibly be their last in Pro Wrestling WILD. Something about not having a large audience to hear about how painful life is, I would imagine.

The match was pretty much what you would expect from a death match, with the still-muzzled zombies engaged in bloody warfare with the emo kids, sending blood, sparks of electricity and explosive blasts high in the air while the censors in back were probably having coronaries thinking about what the FCC would do to them for showing this shit on prime time Saturday Night. Probably not a concern since this garbage airs on Animal Planet 6 for some reason, but a job is a job, you know? In any case, what had been just a steady stream of carnage (but of the superficial kind, I mean, lets be fair, skin grows back) got really nasty, and a real reason to be worried, at the conclusion of the match.

With seconds to go before the time bombs were set to go off Augustus Stern screamed to shaDow and eDo to hit the deck, which they did, leaving the zombies still standing and in the direct line of fire of the explosive devices. With a resounding chorus they all went off at the fifteen-minute mark and, when the smoke cleared, the zombies were amazingly still standing … SANS HEADS! Moments later they collapsed and the shocked ref immediately called for the bell while paramedics and Zombie Master rushed the ring. Obviously you can’t really treat a headless corpse so Zombie Master wailed to the heavens, grieving openly while promising payback with a new zombie army and those who dare discriminate against the life-challenged.

Augustus Stern was quickly apprehended by authorities, who charged him with the murder of Capoeira Zombie aka Rodrigo Jorge and the murders of Zombi I and Zombi II (identities as of yet unknown), citing he had replaced the low explosive devices with claymore mines designed to send forth a torrent of ball bearings to decapitate any one in range. Dude must have some serious skill in munitions! Stern was then dragged away kicking and screaming, begging shaDow and eDo to carry on the fight, that the zombie threat is real, and to keep an eye on who Zombie Master tries to convert next!

Like I said at the top, cRaZy!!



1) Danny Dynamite ~12:26 Frog Splash~ Wild Bill

2) Bobo Gomez ~13:44 Count-Out!~ Duz Busch

3) Ronnie Dod / Aleks Dodstva ~9:42 Double Count-Out!~ Stuart Robinson/ Fat Lip

4) Paradigm ~10:18 STF~ Joey Knuckles

5) SOUTHEASTERN JUNIOR HEAVWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
(C) MIRYOKO ~8:16 Crazy Cyclone~ Lorenzo Llamas {2nd Successful Defense}

6) UN-DEATH MATCH
Melancholia [shaDow / eDo O] ~15:35 Skull Perforating Shrapnel Wounds~ Zombi Flesh Eaters [Zombi I / Zombi II X]