WILD Saturday Night #13

Winless but still impressive enough in his appearances on Saturday Night to get called back, Bret Stillman returned this week to face the master of the cross arm breaker, Jason Wesley. Wesley has made quite a name for himself on the independent circuit but has yet to reach his full potential in Pro Wrestling WILD, last week being a prime example as he just didn’t have what it took to down Bobo Gomez in International Title ranking play. Both men have been accused of being too tentative in the ring and that showed in this match, with at least ten minutes devoted solely to feeling the other out.

But eventually Wesley exploded with his bigger, more modern moves, threatening to leave Stillman and his more classic approach in the dust. The “Hard Luck Kid” stuck to his game plan though, refusing to give up to arm holds that would make a lesser man howl in submission, continuing to work the knee of Wesley until getting the shocking win – his first in a WILD ring – with the figure-four leglock. Stillman was near to tears after the victory, and whether or not that was due to the pain radiating through the left arm that hanged limply at his side or getting a win in arguably the toughest promotion on the planet is unknown, but it was a touching scene nonetheless.

Unfortunately scenes of pathos such as these are often short lived on Saturday Night, this one ruined by the appearance of the sadistic lunatic Jester, last seen at the side of the legendary Grand Pumudo, he of the 46 World Championship Belts, Lord of the Impossible, vanquisher of the best every continent in the world has to offer. (Including The Penguin Master in the world’s first ever Iceberg Death match off McMurdo Sound, Antarctica) Jester informed all that he was here speaking on the behalf of his lord and master Pumudo, who has it on good authority that the result of the match they just witnessed was fixed to garner sympathy for Stillman, who clearly had not put in as much time training as the superior Jason Wesley!

Referee Gen Hirayama and Stillman both looked absolutely perplexed at this accusation while Wesley raised a suspicious eye from across the ring, shouting over to Jester that he never actually gave up in the preceding match and that the same ref made a fast count in his match against Gomez the week before! Jester responded to this with a high-pitched giggle so abrasive it makes nails on a chalkboard sound pleasant, then saying Pumudo has witnessed what has gone on in WILD for far too long and has tired of it, vowing change and lending an invitation to any that want to join his revolution. Wesley did not hesitate to accept the handshake of Jester, promising retribution to those that had wronged him before leaving for the back. Pumudo, a man whose talent almost matches his gargantuan ego spawning a stable in Pro Wrestling WILD? Good things can not come from this, I assure you!

A backstage interview segment featuring everyone’s favorite sullen little emo kids Melancholia preceded the next match. WILD reporter Holly Holiday stood in stark contrast to shaDow, eDo and their Elvira-esque valets, the latter figuratively shooting daggers with their eyes at the stereotypical California girl as she asked the boys about their decision to disengage from pursuing LRI: just last week seen as the next target for zombification by The Zombie Master.

“We know the dark overlord of the walking dead still desires these phenomenal athletes,” sighed shaDow, clearly disinterested with having to explain his motives. “But they are entwined in an ever-spiraling torrent of violence with The Dods that will leave them broken, shattered, rendered a bloody pulp; of no use to one seeking fresh bodies to recruit.”

“And besides,” chimed in eDo, taking a break from nibbling lazily at the neck of one of his attendants. “We believe our nemesis is targeting someone new, an Italian, who, as we all know, are predisposed to morbid carnage of the flesh eating kind.”

That Italian, as it turns out, is really a Sicilian: Mr. Sicily himself, David DaVinci! Shortly after the brief interview ended Melancholia made their way to the ring for their match against DaVinci and Danny Dynamite, taking quite some time before actually entering the ring to set and light black candles all along the ring side railing. To say the ceremony was ridiculous would be a huge understatement, but Melancholia seemed to feel it helped, easing their minds about any possible interference by a Zombie Master who has not been seen since his charges were violently dispatched at WSN #11, but whose presence was no less felt.

The candles, coupled with the lilting chants of their black robed sirens at ringside, seemed to work amazingly, as Melancholia looked better in this tag match than they ever have, taking out DaVinci early with accomplished double-teaming and weathering a surprising comeback by Dynamite before wearing him out with quick tags and quicker moves. shaDow was the big star here, setting up victory with a suicide bomb and then a side effect before wrapping Dynamite up with a school boy. Frustrated and trying to assess why they have lost two matches in a row now, DaVinci had little time to ponder as he was swarmed by Melancholia and their sirens post-match, prayed upon and then left stunned in the ring, an ashen cross left on his forehead as a parting gift. Weird …

Week after week Duz Busch makes huge gains beyond the wrestler he was just a month ago: big and strong but lacking the stamina or heart to take his game to the next level. Most of us don’t adhere to our New Year’s resolutions but Duz has in spades, threatening to break out as the next big star in WILD! We still have no idea what prompted his newfound love for the sport, but we do know he is dedicated, much to the chagrin of partner Raz Busch and manager Master P, both of whom would much rather he just take the easy way out and concentrate on a burgeoning career as a hip-hop star!

This week Busch took Bobo Gomez up on his offer to give him a rematch for their match at WSN #11, which ended in a count-out. This time around there would be no count-out, practically assuring a decisive finish. In their previous encounter these two knocked the hell out of each other and it was no different here, just two big dudes pasting each other with the best in their arsenals. Clearly Bobo had the advantage in skill but Duz did not let that stop him from fighting on, garnering him a large measure of fan support in the process. By the time this was over Duz had withstood over a half-dozen MUSO’s, scores of Russian haymakers and even two avalanche belly-to-belly suplexes before falling to a final MUSO.

Going in, Bobo Gomez knew that a win would put him in position to challenge for Dan Sommers’ International Heavyweight title, but he didn’t celebrate this, instead helping Duz to his feet and holding his arm high as the crowd cascaded them with approval, all while Master P and Raz looked on jealously from the locker room entrance …

In the fourth match of the night The Lawgivers looked eager to show off their newly revealed heelish approach against Ronnie Dod and Aleks Dodstva, themselves looking forward to making their way back to a rematch against WILD Tag Team Champions The Celtic Bruisers. Even though VD Dod and Fat Lip had been left in a bad way after The Dod’s demolition of LRI the week before, Stuart Robinson’s flaming cricket bat wielding appearance later in the night and victory over Ronnie on Sunday meant this war was far from over, and precautionary steps were taken in the form of Dods patrolling the perimeter of the ring.

But what they hadn’t counted on was the sheer insanity of Stuart Robinson, evidenced when roughly fifteen minutes into the match he made his way down to the ring, a flaming Molotov cocktail in each hand! Both the Lawgivers and Dods looked up from their rousing battle outside the ring to see this madman approach, the flames from the bottles reflecting in his eyes, making him look all the more like the son of Mephistopheles himself. Wisely, they scattered just before Stuart let fly with the Molotovs, both of them landing in the middle of the ring, setting it ablaze with a triumphant WHOOOSH! A fire team rushed to put out the blaze as Stuart ransacked the area, trashing chairs and tables, tossing garbage this way and that while screaming: “Ya want war, d’ya? YA WANT BLOODY WAR?!?!?!” Security restrained and then dragged Stuart towards the back as he ranted, nearly foaming at the mouth with rage the whole way.

Of course a rather lengthy intermission followed as the ring canvas was replaced and the ropes inspected for safety, giving some time for an interview with “The Technical Masterpiece” Paradigm, who discussed his upcoming match with Ted Zannino, the last of three matches with La Cosa Nostra soldiers. “This is it, I win this one and I’m free, no more debt, the Sword of Damocles removed forever,” smiled Paradigm confidently. “And I owe it all to my genius, my ability to face adversity and overcome it with grace, eloquence and good taste. Like the shirt says, baby …”he pointed to his T-Shirt, on which reads his mantra DAMN I’M GOOD.

Paradigm was then asked what would happen with Gilbert Theunk, the man who possesses the incriminating evidence against the Bianco family, evidence that enabled him to blackmail them into giving him the opportunity to fight his way out from their debt. “They’ve promised Theunk and myself will walk away, free men,” said Paradigm, not a trace of doubt in his voice. “As agreed, when I beat Zannino (the interviewer interrupted with an “IF you beat Zannino” to which Paradigm dismissed with a wave of his hand) tonight we arrange to reveal the location of the briefcase holding the evidence. Gilbert leaves said location and they go and pick up the briefcase, end of transaction!”

When asked if he really thinks it’s going to be that easy Paradigm just let out a disgusted PFFFT! “You know, The Bruisers said the same thing, even offered some help watching over Gilbert – something about not wanting professional rivalries to become tragic or some such bullshit, but c’mon, La Cosa Nostra are businessmen, men of their words, and this is nothing but business.”

Shortly thereafter the match took place and Paradigm never looked better, using a rapid fire pace and advanced technical moves to keep Zannino off balance. Zannino was by no means dominated here, quite the opposite, as he is well-grounded in the more technical aspect of the sport himself. But Paradigm was just something else here, a man who could see salvation and was driving madly towards it with wild abandon. But as is the case with an organization the likes of La Cosa Nostra contingency plans are almost always in the offing, this time in the form of a beautiful girl bearing a slight resemblance to one Joey Knuckles …

Waiting for the right moment, just as the referee passed her line of sight, this auburn haired nymph stood from her seat in the front row and let her trenchcoat slide from her shoulders, revealing the kind of body men die for, covered only by the flimsiest of bikini fabric. You’d have to be neutered not to appreciate such beauty and Gen Hirayama was definitely not, stopping dead in his tracks, staring like a lobotomized construction worker while the poor lass uncomfortably shifted her stance, her eyes locked on the ground. The distraction was momentary but it was all Zannino needed, clocking Paradigm from behind with a pair of brass knuckles and then rolling him up in a small package. The girl, who, upon seeing the deed had been done, put her coat back on and silently left the area. Zannino shouted at the ref, who shook off the daze and spun around to make the three count.

Paradigm was then roused from his unconsciousness with a series of hard slaps across the face, as Zannino demanded to know where Theunk and the evidence were. Paradigm laughed and spat at him, saying all bets were off. “I was hoping you’d say that,” laughed Zannino, knocking him back unconscious with another shot from his brass knuckled fist, then throwing him over his shoulder and carrying him to the back.

The Main Event of the evening saw Kyle Walker and MIRYOKO square off for the umpteenth time, although you’d be a fool to complain about that. This is one of those feuds that has gone on for a long time but every match is a doozy, whether one on one or in tag action. Fact is, they hate each other’s guts and lately MIRYOKO has elevated the psychological warfare against his foe to an art form. Kyle had Swedish masseuse Helga Hunkachunk in his corner while MIRYOKO had no one in his, mandated by WILD management but really meaning nothing given that his security team is comprised of ninjas capable of blending in just about anywhere!

Typical fast paced action from these two, with Walker overcoming MIRYOKO’s mid-match dominance to come back in a big way, appearing as if he would cruise towards victory. As expected, the Ninjas then made their move from their hiding place in the audience but what wasn’t anticipated was the presence of WILD Light Heavyweight Champion Juan Leche, disguised as an old man! He quickly attacked one of the ninjas but was then in turn attacked by an old lady who turned out to be Billy Hollywood! My god, how many twists and turns can one match have?!?!

With Leche and Hollywood battling it out in the audience the Ninjas made their move but found their paths impeded by Helga Hunkachunk. What followed wasn’t pretty, as she bounced them around outside the ring with scary ease, the defense so brutal it even caught the attention of yet another easily distracted referee, Martin Roeg. MIRYOKO quickly took advantage, removing his protective hard porcelain mask – revealing the face of possibly the prettiest man ever seen in the process – and whipping it into the side of Kyle’s head, dropping him like a sack of bricks. A Yokosuka cutter later and that was all she wrote, with Walker losing yet again to the vile tactics of MIRYOKO.

MIRYOKO and his Ninjas beat a hasty retreat shortly after the final bell while Hollywood and Leche continued to fight through the audience and Helga helped Kyle to his feet. Once he was awake Kyle absolutely freaked out, pushing Helga away and demanding a microphone: “I’m sick of this shit, week in and week out you hide behind your Ninjas, hide behind your tricks, hide that pretty little face of yours behind that mask MIRYOKO!” he shouted, crimson faced. “I demand an end to this, to do the only thing that might rid WILD of your presence forever. I want a match where you put the mask that protects that precious face ON THE LINE!! In return … I will bargain my hair! HAIR VS MASK, STEEL CAGE … YOU MAN ENOUGH, PUNK?!?!”

Finally, just as the show was closing out we got footage from a small room backstage of Paradigm being woken up with a bucket of ice cold water, Ted Zannino and Raymond Bianco standing over him with big smiles on their faces. Paradigm demanded to be released, saying what they were doing was a crime. Bianco just laughed: “No, you see, you owe us a substantial amount of money Paradigm. A debt you will pay off in servitude.”

Paradigm shook his head in defiance: “No way man, been there, done that. I got shit on you guys that guarantees you don’t tell me what to do ever again.”

“You don’t seem to understand, young Paradigm,” corrected Bianco, lighting a cigarette and flicking the still lit match at his face. “We know where Theunk and the briefcase are, your days of blackmailing the Family are over.”

“Bullshit”, sneered Paradigm.

Bianco just smiled and made a subtle wave at Zannino, who pulled a laptop out of a satchel on the ground and placed it on a table before Paradigm. On the screen was the exterior of a non-descript two story house out in the country; the horrified look on Paradigm’s face said it all: they knew where Gilbert was …

“How …”asked Paradigm softly.

“In the future you should be more emphatic with your Irish friends when telling them you don’t need their assistance,” replied Bianco. “The china man was sent to provide security, he led our finest triggerman right to him.”

And, adding a perfect exclamation point on this chilling turn of events was the fireball that erupted from the house, decimating it completely, leaving nothing but rubble and a dark plume of smoke in its wake …

Bianco patted his hand on the shoulder of Paradigm, who sat shaking, wide-eyed. “Welcome back, Paradigm…”

1) Bret Stillman ~20:42 Figure-Four Leglock~ Jason Wesley

2) Melancholia [shaDow O/ eDo] ~24:20 School Boy~ David DaVinci/ Danny Dynamite X

3) Bobo Gomez ~25:33 MUSO~ Duz Busch

4) The Lawgivers [WILD Bill/ El Justiciero] ~15:38 No Contest~ Ronnie Dod/ Aleks Dodstva

5) Ted Zannino ~16:26 Small Package~ Paradigm

6) MIRYOKO ~20:49 Yokosuka Cutter~ Kyle Walker