Frustrated with MIRYOKO for the latest in a long line of attacks against him, Kyle Walker vowed shortly after the conclusion of WSN #11 to amp up his training regimen in preparation for an as-of-yet-to-be-scheduled rematch. The young Walker has really plumbed the depths of humiliation against the Japanese uber-model, so it shouldn’t come as any surprise that he’s willing to take advice from any party; anything that will give him the edge!
This week assistance came in the form of the Fabulous Flying Llamas, who – along with Swedish masseuse Helga Hunkachunk – accompanied Walker to the ring for his match against 50 Centavos. Apparently the brothers Llamas feel Walker needs to delve deeper into his flamboyant side and coached him appropriately, encouraging more sashaying, limp-wristedness and contrived flying moves. Unfortunately 50 Centavos is not MIRYOKO, and responded to Kyle’s ungainly attempts at Karat-ghey with the same mix of brawling and high-flying that won him the light heavyweight title in the promotion revered by HGH injected lesbian hentai enthusiasts the world over.
By the time Kyle angrily dismissed the advice of the Llamas and reverted to the style that won him the 2007 Pro Wrestling Weekly Rookie of the Year award it was too late, his stamina reserves drained, leaving him wide open for a ring shaking Muso that continued his losing streak. Immediately after losing Walker cussed out the Llamas, telling them he never wanted to see them again, sparking an argument between the three brothers over just who was responsible for the coaching failure. Shocked and alone save for the shoulder-kneading presence of Helga Hunkachunk (bearing more than a passing resemblance to Conchata Ferrell of Two and a Half Men fame), Kyle made his way to the back, appearing completely at a loss. So confident a month ago, it seems the mind games of MIRYOKO are beginning to take a toll!
David DaVinci and Danny Dynamite were back in tag action after Dynamite proved himself against a heavyweight last week, that man being Wild Bill, who was also back this week seeking revenge with partner El Justiciero by his side! The self-proclaimed Lawgivers – paragons of honor, watchdogs of truth – surprised every one in attendance not five minutes in by turning their backs on the same rules they have fought so hard to enforce on WILD Saturday Night, their hypocrisy marked (probably not coincidently) by the early dominance of DaVinci and Dynamite.
From there on out Wild Bill and El Justiciero proved to be just as adept at getting away with cheating as they did snitching on others doing the same, getting the win on Dynamite with an El Justiciero backslide after Wild Bill stunned him with a mule kick to the family jewels. In a brief post-match interview Lawgiver WILD Bill (making a point to accentuate the use of caps in his first name) responded to criticism that his team had turned on the values they fought so hard to uphold since the beginning of WILD Saturday Night by saying “Only after you’ve mastered the rules as thoroughly as we have are you free to break them at will!”
A bizarre, pre-taped interview segment followed, with Melancholia reporting in from what appeared to be a trendy coffee bar, complete with all the gothic accoutrements: mock Victorian era furniture, dim, red lighting, faded gold leaf wallpaper; like something out of an Anne Rice novel. With Sigur Ros playing softly in the background vampiric beauty queens knelt at their feet, lovingly applying elaborate henna tattoos while shaDow and eDo sipped espresso with all the conviction of death row inmates hours away from execution. Yeah, I know … whatever.
“Last week we shocked your world by bringing the horror of ours to your doorstep. We apologize for subjecting you to a layer of the dark you never should have seen,” droned shaDow, sipping the too hot espresso and reacting to it with a squeaky OW.
“Unfortunately there are those out there, ebon agents of despair, who will stop at nothing to envelop the world of light, your world, in the terror of death,” continued eDo, lazily brushing hair out of eyes. “We may dwell without choice in this place of ennui but do not wish it upon you, o sons and daughters of Apollo.”
“In order to protect you all we must put our accursed talent to good use, to see the dark that you-who-walk-in-light cannot,” shaDow softly said, absent-mindedly stroking his burned lower lip. “The Zombie Master may have lost his agents but strives to begin anew, to reap new somnambulists from the field of battle, ready to make war on those-that-breathe-life.”
“It was with great reluctance that we seek battle with Zombie Master’s newest targets,” eDo said, his voice pained and hesitant as he let the silken hair of one of the tattoo artists fall through his fingers. “Stuart Robinson, Fat Lip and VD Dod. The Zombie Master is no fool, has seen their pain after losing the tag team titles, the war with Clan Dod that they are on the brink of beginning. This is a tribe ripe for conversion, and if we do not make our move now then WILD, the very world itself, will suffer the pain of the undead Los Rudos Infernos!”
Which leads us to the next match, the weird challenge accepted without hesitation by LRI, who after being involved in some really nasty battles over the course of the last few months appeared eager to get in a good workout. Melancholia put on a spirited show here but were really off their game after having faced nothing but shambling zombies over the course of their last several matches. LRI worked their typical match with lots of weaponry and complete disregard for the rules, scaring the living hell out of referee Martin Roeg by threatening his family if he ever dared to so much as initiate a five-count for weapons use. This was vintage LRI, with victory eventually coming by way of a VD Dod silencer on shaDow.
But the fun was hardly over even after the final bell rang, with LRI continuing to humiliate Melancholia. Fat Lip grabbed a tablecloth off the timekeepers table and fashioned a cloak out of it, stumbling about in mock zombie steps while moaning “Emoooooo! Emooooooo!” Meanwhile, in the ring Stuart and VD took great delight in wiping off the makeup on shaDow and eDo’s face with spit, mussing up their hair, delivering Indian burns and giving them hot feet with dozens of matches at once. It appeared LRI were on top of the world, completely giddy, lost in the moment and oblivious to what was coming next … the Army of Dod itself!!
With no warning Caleb, Ronnie, Iggy and Aleks Dodstva charged the ring and laid waste in blitzkrieg fashion, taking no more than a few minutes but, in that time, delivering one of the more brutal beatings ever witnessed in a WILD ring. By the time security arrived to break it up the Dods were already on their way to the back, patting each other on the back and laughing proudly while shocked onlookers struggled to process what they just saw.
A brief intermission of sorts followed as paramedics carefully removed the beaten bodies of LRI, only Stuart having the wherewithal to struggle against his bonds and attempt to escape, to exact vengeance, only to be forced back onto his gurney by concerned medical officials. It was learned that, during this time, a furious member of the board of directors, already under fire for the controversial un-death match from a week before, suspended Caleb and Ronnie Dod on the spot for leading an assault “so brutal it threatens to lead to the FCC revoking our broadcast license”. Considering the fifth match of the night was a very important rankings match for tag title consideration involving the Dods and Da Busch Boyz, this was a costly suspension indeed!
And so, in light of what just occurred the next match came as a bit of salvation, a technical masterpiece made all the more amazing considering Bobo Gomez was one of its participants! Indie stud Jason Wesley made his first WSN appearance in quite some time, forcing the brawl happy Gomez into a wrestling match whether he wanted to or not, concentrating on the arm as he is known for and appearing as if he would score the upset on this top contender for the WILD International Heavyweight Championship! In the end though Gomez’s strength advantage proved too much and he put away Wesley with a superplex into a Muso into an Original Brainbuster, getting cheers from the fans and a handshake from Wesley afterwards.
With the events of the Dods and LRI taking up a large portion of the program Da Busch Boyz were rushed out quickly after the conclusion of the previous match, forcing an encounter between Duz Busch and Bobo Gomez, who was making his way towards the back. Surprisingly – given their wild fight last week - no blows were exchanged, not even a harsh look, as Bobo shook his head in appreciation of Duz while giving him a friendly pat on the back! This exchange did not sit well with Raz Busch or Master P, though, evidence by the glare they shot the departing Bobo and the ribbing they gave Duz for “fraternizing with the enemy”.
Next Iggy Dod and Aleks Dodstva made their way to the ring, strangely not suspended for their role in the attack on LRI earlier in the night, but perhaps this was to prove a point to the Dod army as a whole: that “lesser talents” like these two were incapable of success without their Dod superiors. Iggy and Aleks didn’t fare too poorly, however, keeping this tag match interesting right until the very end, when the trickery of Da Busch Boyz won out, courtesy of a coordinated attack by Master P and Raz Busch; P swinging a platinum record into the back of the head of the irish-whipped Dodstva while Raz struck from the front with a flying kneel kick.
Despite victory and an assured higher ranking in the tag division Duz Busch publicly called out Raz and Master P, telling them he’s tired of having to use tricks to win matches, that both he and his brother are more than capable of winning on their own merits if they just train hard, eat right, etc etc etc. This led to a huge argument, one that the Dods decided they should capitalize on but just as they started to advance on the unwary Busch Boyz who should come from the back but a bandaged, bruised and still bleeding Stuart Robinson! A flaming cricket bat with barbed wire wrapped around it held high above his head, Stuart limped with purpose towards his enemies, sending them scattering like cowards through the crowd! Stuart Robinson may not have gotten vengeance on this day, but he’s shown the Dods he ain’t going down without a fight!!!
The main event was a repeat of the scenario involving Paradigm and La Cosa Nostra from last week, with Paradigm demanding a chance to earn his financial freedom by battling his way through Raymond Bianco Jr.’s soldiers one by one. Normally La Cosa Nostra would just steamroll Paradigm for failing to pay his debts, but it just so happens that Paradigm’s ally Gilbert Theunk is in possession of evidence that could send the Bianco family to prison for a very long time! Last week, after Paradigm defeated the first mafia soldier - Joey Knuckles -Ted Zannino and Rick Briggs made an effort to tail him to the hidden location of Theunk and the evidence, but were attacked by the Celtic Bruisers en route, that attack then paid back on Sunday night against Baker, courtesy of a pair of brass knuckles!
So this week Paradigm took on the second of the three La Cosa Nostra members he has to battle through: Rick Briggs. With no seconds allowed at ringside this one was definitely in the favor of the technically refined Paradigm, who took a bit of punishment by way of Briggs concrete like punches but, overall, overwhelmed him with pure wrestling skill. However La Cosa Nostra are nothing if not crafty, working around the “no seconds” rule by planting Joey Knuckles in the audience as a peanut vendor. When it appeared Paradigm was set to go over in this one Knuckles made his move, working towards the front row where he threw a bag of loaded peanuts at the head of Paradigm, only to miss, catching Briggs right behind the ear. A final cut later and Paradigm had his victory, slipping off into the crowd before giving anyone a chance tail him.
After the match in a backstage interview Knuckles was on the receiving end of a verbal raping by Bianco, Zannino and Briggs, told he is incompetent, his daughter threatened and then told he has one more chance to prove himself or else “it’s curtains, see.” Knuckles begged and pleaded for forgiveness, on his knees bawling and shaking with fear for his family and his own life. Bianco stepped up and began patting him softly on the head: “First, there is punishment. Through mutual friends I have secured a match for you tomorrow against WILD International Heavyweight Champion Dan Sommers. If you’re lucky he will end the match quickly. This is for failing me this week.”
“Oh God no, anyone but him,” begged Knuckles, lower lip quivering, his hands clasped in prayer.
Bianco ignored him and handed him a postcard sized piece of paper. “On this piece of paper is the address of an enemy of the family,” he grinned, snakelike. “I would like you to pay them a visit and instruct them in the finer points of Bianco hospitality. You don’t want to fail, Mr. Knuckles. Capisce?”
Shaking, tears streaking down his face, the beaten shell of a man that is Joey Knuckles just lowered his head and shook it slowly up in down, understanding his task – and the ramifications of failing it - quite clearly …
1) 50 Centavos ~17:11 Muso~ Kyle Walker
2) The Lawgivers [WILD Bill/ El Justiciero O] ~22:11 Backslide Hold~ David DaVinci/ Danny Dynamite X
3) LRI [VD Dod O/ Stuart Robinson] ~18:17 Silencer~ Melancholia [shaDow X/ eDo]
4) Bobo Gomez ~18:07 Original Brainbuster~ Jason Wesley
5) Da Busch Boyz [Duz Busch/ Raz Busch O] ~24:58 Flying Kneel Kick~ Dod “B” Team [Aleks Dodstva X/ Iggy Dod]
6) Paradigm ~14:39 Final Cut~ Rick Briggs
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